DECENCY

A decent person does not treat another person poorly.  Nor does a decent person turn his back on a person in need.  And a decent person does not break up with you without letting you know about it.  Period.  End of story.

VENUS STATIONARY DIRECT

You know what today is, right?  Today is the last day of this current cycle of phase 3 of Venus in retrograde.  And you know what that means, right?  Yeah, neither do I.

So I Googled it and found this on the "Darkstar Astrology" website.  Of course I only copied and pasted the stuff I want to apply to me (and some random stuff I can't pronounce and don't understand).  But it might make me look smart.

I love where it says that the negative aspects of our relationships and own weaknesses in how we love has peaked.  No shit.  Like 73 times already since the end of April.  I'm flippin' worn out.  And my face is on permanent puff from all the lame ass crying I've been doing.  It's a miracle I can see out of my eyes.  (Little brother, do not say a word!)  

I'll let you know how this story ends...read the last sentence below in the first paragraph below.  Hard to imagine any evolution when the other half of the relationship has, for all intents and purposes, fallen off the face of the earth.  My earth anyway.

All I'm really hoping for is the opening up of communication channels, as suggested in the second paragraph.  And the affectionate sharing of thoughts.  See, I foolishly continue to hold out hope.  'Tard.

On June 27, Venus stations direct at 7°29′ Gemini on the fixed star Hyadum II, the same spot the journey started. Back then, Venus was conjunct the South Node and square Chiron. Now the only tight aspect is Venus quincunx Pluto. So we could say the pain at confronting the negative aspects of our relationships, and our own weaknesses in how we love has now peaked. This final phase is about adjusting to a new dynamic in relationships, the give and take, and then settling at a new power sharing arrangement. Venus is love, Pluto is transformation, the quincunx is an aspect of karmic readjustment. Our relationships and how we love each other and ourselves is evolving.

 

From July 2 to 16, Mercury sextile Venus again opens up the communication channels in our relationships. We had this aspect back in early May before Venus had turned retrograde. Now, in the final direct phase, it gives a much longer than usual time for affectionate sharing of thoughts, and for the resolving of the tension which has been ongoing for some time now. This will likely climax around July 5 with Venus at 8 degrees Gemini sextile Uranus.

The 28-Day Curse

Major emotional set back this weekend.  But guess what?  Oh, yeah...you're way ahead of  me.  I started my fucking period!  I started getting weirdly emotional on Thursday.  Couldn't figure out why.  I'd actually been holding up pretty well.  YES - I still miss the hell outta him.  Geez...it's only been a few weeks since his last email (the no-show let down one).  And, recall if you will, that I'm still holding on AND I'm a 'tard.  But still...I was actually really looking forward to seeing him.  I love him, okay?  Give me a break!  Was hoping maybe something would be cleared up.  Like maybe he'd have an epiphany and realize he loved me too.  Bahahahaaa!  But I digress...

Anyway, Thursday, I ended up going to Happy Hour with a good friend of mine.  She's very understanding...also a Leo.  We compare notes.   And we laugh.  So the night went by quickly and I was doing okay.  Went home and got a decent night's sleep.

Friday fucking sucked!  Anger at no response/resolution started kicking in.  Big time!  Confusion surrounded me.  Who to turn to?   Well, the person responsible for the pain and confusion, of course.  More emails and voicemails.  Now, I'm sure he doesn't listen to them or read them.  But still...I should not be sending them.  He doesn't care.  I have no control.  Seriously!  It's like I'm helpess. 

So, my period actually started on Saturday.  Wonderful.  There's been no stopping the emotional rollercoaster since then.  Wheeeeee...what a fun ride.  There's also been no stopping the voicemails or emails either.  God knows he will never answer his phone if he sees it's my number, meaning I will continue to call.  I leave ultra-pathetic messages and then I listen to them and then I erase them and start all over.  I do that about 7 times until I think it sounds just right.  Then I hit the dreaded send button.  And then I kick myself because I remember something really clever.  So I call back and do it again.  And then I kick myself for even doing it at all in the first place!  'Tard. 

Guess he's mad at a voicemail I may have left a couple of weeks back.  When I may have raised my voice.  And may have used a tone.  May have yelled into the phone something along the lines of, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!?!?"  Oh well, he'll get over it!  He's a grown man.  And he's dealing with a grown woman.  These things happen.  His overblown ego can't deal with that though.  I can hear him in his King Phillip voice..."Who does she think she is speaking to me that way?  Unacceptable, indeed."

So, I'm currently deciding if I really do need therapy or if I just need to let this cycle pass?  And if I let this cycle pass and I go all batshit psycho again in about 28 days?  Yep, therapy.

The thing is, I totally know he has no interest.  But the mere fact that he won't provide me with closure is enough to send me over the edge.  It's just enough to make me hold out hope.  Who doesn't see the simple answer there is to PROVIDE RESOLUTION!!!  Seriously, he acts like a fucking 15 year old boy by NOT providing a simple answer, and then I act like a 15 year old girl and get all stupid.  Really?  I need meds.

Someday I'll tell you about all the red flags.  You'll laugh at just how amazingly fucking stupid I really am.  
   

MYSTIC CRYSTAL REVELATIONS

Well, duh!  No wonder my relationship is sucking so badly.  Venus is in retrograde.  Of course.  I mean, who knew?  Certainly not me.  A sweet friend of mine suggested this was the reason that things are not going smoothly right now and to just let things ride for a bit until the phase ends.  Uh, sure.  Why not?  

Great.  I've already pretty much told him (via emails - remember...he won't have a grown-up, real person conversation with me) that I am through!         

This phase of the planetary movement (or whatever it is) will be ending on June 27th.  Yes, soon harmony, understanding, sympathy and trust will abound.  Peace will guide the planets, love will steer the stars.  Blah, blah, blah.  (Okay...yes.  I Googled it.)

Apparently, this is an extra special Venus in retrograde period (which started on May 15th and ends June 27th).  There was the solar eclipse on May 20th and the Transit of Venus on June 5th, both occurring smack dab in the middle of this Venus in retrograde period.  I saw both with my special eyes, in case you were curious. 

So stand by for the dawning of the Age of Aquarius...or the reawakening of the Cancer I've been dealing with. 



(Note:  Some lyrics and the title of this post were "borrowed" from the 5th Dimension's "Age of Aquarius" and slightly changed - I like to give credit where it's due so I don't get in trouble.)

LET HIM GO!

Wish I'd seen this BEFORE I made a huge jackass out of myself...LOL!!! 

THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS

Now that I'm really single I'm actually starting to focus on ME.  My main goal is to shove as much money as possible into my "I'm Finally Going to Buy a House" fund.   I just went through a small spending phase, but I have my summertime wardrobe now and that should last for a few years unless I have a significant weight gain or loss.  Not too likely.  So...let the savings begin.

I know what I want and I know what I have to do to get it.  It'll take some hard work, but I've never shied away from that.  It'll take some sacrifice.  I'm familiar with that as well.

I'm excited.  If I buy a house in the community I'm thinking I want to retire in, I will no longer have to listen to the old man who lives above, with his incessant smoker's cough.  I won't have to smell my next door neighbor's boiling "Pot of Goat."  I won't have to blast my air purifier at night just to drown out the sounds of the neighbors slamming into the walls or banging their pots and pans around at 5AM every morning and 11PM every night.

Oh, how I'll miss the crowing of the retarded rooster next door.  His alarm clock is seriously fucked up.

No more shared water heater.  I risk a 3rd degree burn or possible frostbite every time I take a shower.  I jump around in there a lot due to the changes in temp - bringing a hint of realism to the phrase, "I'm just going to jump in the shower."   It's not pretty and it's not safe.

I won't have to avert my eyes from, or try to avoid completely, the tattooed speed-freaks that live across the way and always want to engage me in some sketchy, nonsensical conversation about nothing. 

I'll have my own little front entryway that I can decorate for the holidays.  Not garishly, of course.  I'll have my own backyard and patio where I can sit and relax and read with no chance of anyone bothering me.  I can invite people over when I want to, and they can stay as long or as little as we both feel is appropriate.  But they will be welcomed and comfortable and safe.   

I am excited about the possibilities my new-found freedom is bringing me.  Oh, there will be times I will still miss what's-his-name, but that too shall pass. 

HEALING IN PROGRESS...

Right now I just want my mind to shut the hell up.

My soul is trying to speak to me.

And I really need to listen to it.

DEFINITION OF CRAZY

So, I still haven't spoken to my "boyfriend" - term used super loosely because at this point I am soooo over it all and really consider him more a stranger than anyone I ever knew.  Guess I should say he hasn't spoken to me. 

I got an email...yes, an email...from him last weekend saying he'd be in town and we'd get together on that coming Friday.  He said he didn't know what the future held for us and he didn't know where we'd meet yet but "we'd" figure it out.  Hmmm, today is Monday.  Friday was a few days ago.  Still haven't heard a word from him.  There is no "we" in any of this.  Crazy thoughtless selfish cowardly bastard.

I finally called him and left a message (he refuses to actually answer my calls) and told him to not contact me via email ever again.  They are meaningless.  Also told him that unless he could muster the courage and decency to speak with me in person to apologize/explain this fucked up nightmare he created, then to not bother ever speaking with me again.  This simply means we will never speak again. 

I only wanted closure so I could move forward.  After nearly 5 years together, that is not an unreasonable request.  I have finally realized that, while closure/resolution would be nice, it is certainly not necessary.   

I read some of the old emails I sent him a few years ago.  Same shit, different day.  Time to change it up and stop the crazy, vicious cycle.   At a great emotional cost to me, I tried to continue fighting a losing battle.  Hey, wake up!  The war is finally over!! 

"EMBARK"ing on a New Journey

Okay, I've found the home of my dreams.  I can't actually afford to purchase it for about another 8-10 years, but that's okay.  I have the purchase of the home sort of lined up with my retirement.  I am motivated.  I will be saving like crazy now.  If at all possible, I am aiming to purchase even sooner.  But since it's in a new retirement community, I will be somewhat dependent upon the, uh, health, so to speak, of the current owner.

I LOVE the floor plan.  Love it!!!  The model is called Embark.  It's not big.  But it's big enough.  For me.  I will have a place for family and friends to come and stay a while...and feel welcome!  I will have a kitchen where I can bake all the Christmas cookies I want to, and won't be hindered by lack of counter space.  I will no longer struggle with where to hang my clothes - the walk-in closet is perfect.  I can finally get rid of the many storage tubs I have...and the ones I keep will fit easily into the garage.  I will have a manageable yard that I can turn into my very own Eden.  And maybe a place for a small dog to play.  No shared walls with noisy neighbors.  Oh, happiness.   

There probably won't be room for any man to live with me.  For now that sounds devine!  For right now, after this past relationship and its magnificent "non-ending," it really IS all about me.

Yes, it's my 10-year plan.  I know lots can happen in that time.  But it's my dream and my plan and my goal.

Now...SAVE, SAVE, SAVE!!!