BREATHE...IT'S OVER

Here's the latest drama regarding the saga of "me" and "him."  IT'S OVER!!!  FINALLY!

I know that may sound funny now, after all this time.  But the truth is these past three months have been helacious!  Do I love the asshole?  Sadly, I still do.  But I imagine that will fade rather quickly this time around. 

Out of the blue, about two weeks ago, I got two emails from him.  They were sent at the beginning of my work week so I chose to NOT read them until the work week was done, in the event I got...that's right...let's all say it together...EMOTIONAL. 

Well, having NOT read the emails, I was unaware and unprepared for the first phone call I had received from him in 2 1/2 months.  My walls were waaaaay up high and very thick.  I was less than warm and fuzzy.  I was cautious and slightly cold.  I had NO idea why he was calling me.  I now have an idea, but I didn't have a clue at that time.

He asked how the weather was (so I knew he was back up north).  He wished me a BELATED birthday.  My birthday is in a few days.  In fact, it is 11 days after his.  That faux pas did not set well with me.  This would have been our 5th birthday celebration together.  I know.  It's very difficult to remember something like that, and I should be kinder, gentler, and more forgiving.  Ummm, yeah...NO!

He asked how I was doing.  I said I was okay.  I was still angry and in a decent amount of emotional pain.  I told him he managed to bring out the ugly in me.  He did say he had noticed that.  Things were somewhat cordial at this point.  But turning quickly.  He got a bit pissy.

Then he asked me if he should not have called me.  Hell, I don't even know why he was calling - but I told him he should have called me when he said he was going to.  He immediately got defensive and said that would have been difficult since he had been so sick.  What?  What the hell was he talking about?  I had no idea until later.

Oh, it went even more downhill from there, if possible. 

He then (wrongly) assumed that I wanted us to go our separate ways.  I responded with, "I thought you went your separate way back in November."   Yeah, I wasn't really being easy on him.  He didn't like that much.  Oh well, it was how I felt.   And after the crap he's put me through these past several months, I had every right to be bitchy.  In fact, he should have expected nothing less.

With an attitude he had developed rather quickly, he said, "I'm sorry I called."  I simply said, "I'm sure you are."  I'm pretty sure he was thinking I was going to relent and backtrack and apologize and become softer.  Nope...I just hung up.  I get stubborn just like he does at times.  Should I have hung up on him?  Probably not.  But I wasn't going to beg him to stay on the phone either.  Should he have maybe been more direct and actually TOLD me the purpose of the call?  Yes.  Don't call me after a few months of not even bothering to answer any of my calls and expect ME to guide the conversation.  Don't test the waters.  Use that spine and tell me what you called for.  Yeah, no such luck.

So...I opened the emails.  He missed me.  He hadn't given up on us.  He was finally coming out of his "cave."  Well, maybe I wish I'd have read those first.  Our conversation may have gone differently.  I'll never know. 

I feel kind of bad.  But only kind of.  The second email stated that he was sorry he wasn't calling that night but he was sick to his stomach and was going to bed.  So, he made himself physically ill just thinking about calling me.  But still, I only feel kind of bad.  Think about it.  Calling me was so difficult for him, yet he worked up the courage to do it.  Yet he never told me why he was calling.  And he's made me feel pretty crappy for quite some time now, so my sympathy for him was not as strong as maybe it could have been.  Does any of that make sense?  Oh, who cares.  It's my story.

I did try to call later to apologize for hanging up.  He had already gone back into his cave, I guess.  He had already resorted to avoidance.  God, he is so flippin' frustrating!  I tried a few more times and sent a few emails.  I was really getting tired of it all.   His immaturity is completely exhausting.  And it fuels mine.

So, fast forward two weeks.  I get an email from him asking me to not call him anymore.  He said I cannot make him love me.  Huh?  I thought he did love me because that's what he told me.  But I certainly was not trying to make him love me.  I may have been trying to make him respond to me, but I have no interest in trying to make a man love me.  Nor do I have any desire to be with a man who does not love me.  And now I know.  He does not love me.  He wishes he did...it would make life easier (???) but he does not.  Sorry.

What the fuck?  It was like a short Dr. Seuss story minus the rhyme.

His email has been blocked and his number purged from my phone.  I have, in a sense, deleted him from my life.  The memories will fade in time.  What a total waste of time these past three months have been.  Game over.

On the bright sde, I will NEVER have to hear him use the term "share toy" again.  Story for another day.

THIS OTHER GIRL'S HAIR

Okay, so a friend and I at work were talking about her hair one day and how she was worried that it looked like this other girl's hair.  It doesn't.  Not even remotely.  But she was concerned.  And rightly so, if she was having those thoughts.  Her hair is pretty and shiny and she has nothing to worry about.  Nothing like this other girl's hair.  I did suggest some hair colors she could ask for at the salon if she was going in to get it colored and for some bizarro reason decided she really wanted it to look like this other girl's hair.

Here's some of the selection:

Weathered Broom Stick

Broken Twig

Old Wooden Fence

Tumbleweed

Camel's Butt

50 Shades of Hay

Touch of Old Gray Mare

Rusted Dust Pan

Strawberry Blah

Betty GRAY-ble

50 SHADES OF WASTE OF MY TIME

So I heard all the fuss about E. L. James' "50 Shades of Grey."  Well, who hasn't, right?  As luck would have it, one of the ladies I work with was just finishing up the book and told me she'd lend it to me as soon as she was done with it.
I'm a big reader and can go through a good book super fast.  I look forward to indulging that simple pleasure for about 20 minutes or so almost nightly before I go to sleep. 

Anyway, she lends me the book and I start in on it that night.  I cheated though.  I read several of the online reviews before I borrowed it.  The reviews mostly said the book was awful, but I figured I'd give it a shot and make up my own mind.

Well, what a seriously stupid effing book it turned out to be.  A complete and total waste of my time.  Thank God I didn't pay for that crap.  I did read up to, and including, the much talked about Chapter 8...well, I merely skimmed Chapter 8, it was so retarded I couldn't bear to read every stupid word of it.  Or even one more.

First off, I could not get beyond the utter Britishness of the main female character - yes, the author is from London or somewhere where they are British.  Problem is, the main female character is supposed to be from somewhere like Georgia, I think, where they are not at all British.  And she is living in the Pacific Northwest, which is not a particularly British-speaking part of the United States, is it?  At least not when last I visited.  I tried my best to relocate, in my mind, the story to a London town, of which I've been to exactly none.  It made it difficult for me to see this story in my head, as I like to do when I read a good book.

And then, the plot (term used extremely loosely) of the story is so lame.  Young plain'ish looking virgin just entering the real world meets slightly older gorgeous hunk of a humanitarian billionaire man who never works and all they do is fuck (blushing).  That's about all I know.  Maybe there is no plot or storyline.  It was just too stupid for me to read anymore of it.

I didn't spend a dime of my money on it and not too much of my time, thankfully.  And this was actually the first book in the Trilogy of Trash!  Yes, there are two others out there!  Lord help us - there must be a world of sex-starved, low-readers out there.  This really is an awful book.  Most of the reviews were "spot on" accurate!

SERIOUSLY? WHO DOESN'T LOVE FART JOKES!?

Well, besides my parents.

What are you waiting for?  Check out this blog! 

http://whofartedphotos.blogspot.com/                (free plug)

Don't just look at the pictures.  Read it.  Take it all in.  All of it.  Even the labels.

Freaking genius.  Wish I'd thought of this!  I've passed the link around the office and I can totally tell who's actually perusing it by the uncontrolled outbursts and the attempts at stifled laughter.

But then I'm really immature and so is my little brother. 

PARADIGM SHIFT

Well, well, well...guess who emailed me?  Yep!  When I got back to my desk after lunch yesterday, there it was just waiting for me to devour it.  But I didn't.  My heart didn't even skip a beat like it used to do when we were "together" and I'd get an email from him and felt like a schoolgirl in love.  

It's just sitting in my in-box...not even taunting me.  No, really, Bob...it's not.

I used to tell him, "If you are going to send me an email that might upset me, please, please, please do not send it on a Monday or in the middle of the day while I'm at work.  Please."  I really don't want to get any kind of bad news while I'm sitting at my desk and have hours to go before I can leave and have to pretend that those aren't tears...I have allergies.  No...I do.

So, what does he do?  Sends it at noon...on a Monday.  Really?

All I know is that it's quite short.  Truth is, I'm not really all that curious...which speaks volumes about the strides I am making in my own emotional healing.  He couldn't talk to me when I needed him to.  He sent me emails full of things he couldn't follow through on.  And he can't pick up the phone now to have a real adult "big person" conversation, so it really can't be all that important. 

Some friends have said to delete it immediately without reading it.  Others have said to open it immediately (they're more curious than I am).   And others have said to put it aside and save it for another day.  Although, to be honest, I'm leaning towards deletion.  But I think I'll just put it aside for now.  There is no need to make any decision on it today.  Or tomorrow.  Or even next week. 

Another friend said I should forward it to all of my friends and allow them to respond to him.  In any way they see fit.  No, I won't do that - but the idea is somewhat genius, if juvenile.  And would have been something I might have considered if I was a recently and unexpectedly dumped schoolgirl in love.

I'm not a schoolgirl.


UPDATED EMAIL ALERT:  07/11/12 - another email was received last night (about 7:30pm) - which also has remained unopened for the time being.

RUN, FORREST, RUN

Great - now I'm having dreams about this guy.  I'm trying to get him to sit down and talk to me but he keeps coming up with excuses to AVOID the "talk."  Even in the dreams!  It's awful.  A simple adult conversation would have resolved all of this.  Maybe the dreams are a way of getting it out of my system.

I will never understand a grown man who is unable and/or unwilling to address the situation he has created.   Even if he has to stand there and take what he deserves.  Deal with it.

That's right, big man, run away.

DIRE STRAITS

Well, your house was re-listed for rent yesterday.  Yes, I checked.  No rental income for April, May, June, July, and possibly August, depending on how quickly it rents.  That's a loss of somewhere between $15,000.00 - $20,000.00.  With the potential for that to go higher if you don't get renters in there fast.  The agonizing wait begins.

You had to pay an attorney to get the grifters out.  You have a property manager to pay.  You have a listing agent to pay.  You've had to pay for repairs to your home.  You still have to pay your mortage on that house and your rent in Jackson Hole.  You have a storage unit with all your belongings in it out in Banning that you have to pay for or risk losing your things.  You have property taxes to pay.  Not to mention your daily living expenses and two dogs to feed.

You said you depleted your savings prior to moving to Jackson Hole.

Your timeshare payment is coming due.   

You have a business with slow paying clients.  If they are even paying at all.  You have materials to buy in order to get the jobs done.  You have to pay the folks you contracted to do the work.  You have to pay your quarterly taxes.  You can't meet these obligations if you have no income from your clients.  It's probably not the best time, in this crappy economy, to drum up new clients.

You have two large dogs that can't stay at home and take care of themselves, so you have to travel to and from Jackson Hole via your automobile to check on things down here (home, family, business).  That can get expensive, factoring in gas, food and lodging for each trip.  And it's wear and tear on the car, which already has its share of miles on it.

Your father recently had a heart attack followed by heart valve surgery that nearly took his life.  You've had to spend time down here in California staying at your mom's during that difficult period.  That didn't help anything.  She was, in your words, a nightmare.  But at least now you have a better understanding of why.

Your girlfriend has been a raging lunatic brought on by lack of communication from you.  She inundated you with voicemails and emails while she was overcome with confusion and heartache and no real understanding of your avoidance of her.  She hit every emotion imaginable, from sadness to anger to compassion to sheer panic.  All the highs and lows and everything in between.  It has taken her nearly two months to be able to step outside of her own grief and figure out, on her own, the dire straits you are probably really in.  Because you never communicated to her what was happening or what you needed, even if it was space. 

The damage is done.  And still I hope it's not too late.  While suspecting that it is.

I hope someday you can understand that I was unaware of the possible devastating effects this has all had on you.  You did not confide in me the severity of your situation.  A short, vague email which did not convey much information at all was what I received.  How was I supposed to understand?  How was I supposed to provide you with support?  I'm guessing that at this point you are in the struggle of your lifetime trying to stay afloat financially.  And that is where your focus has been, is now, and will be for a while.  Survival. 

I am sorry that you are going through all of this.  I would never wish this on anyone.  It's a lot to handle each of these issues individually, and overwhelming, to say the least, to get hit with all of them at one time.  It would be enough to drive even the strongest of individuals to a breaking point.  You admittedly, historically, can handle only one issue at a time.  No wonder you have not wanted to deal with a relationship.  I do understand that, even though I'm still guessing at this situation, for the most part, as you've still not spoken with me.  And even though I would have done anything in the world to help you through it all.

I realize that you probably can't just move back in to your beautiful home at this point either, even if you wanted to.  You have no steady income from which to pay your mortgage and other financial obligations.  You need that rental income now to provide you with the income necessary to keep your head above water until somehow things turn around. 

Maybe you'll stay up there forever.  Maybe you'll rent or buy a place in the desert.  Maybe someday you'll come back.  I have no idea.  I'm still dealing with your lack of communication.  I'm dealing with my grief at the loss of "us."  And I'm trying so hard to understand it all.

Again, I am sorry you are going through this.  But I didn't cause your dire straits.  I contributed, perhaps, to your level of frustration by my relentless hounding of you while I was trying desperately to find some understanding, answer, resolution, closure...anything, really, to what was happening to us.  Maybe someday you will be able to step outside of your troubles and see that I was not your enemy.  I just wanted to understand. 

Communication is key.  It's critical.  With one single, simple phone call, I could have been your greatest support system and the least of your problems.

I MISSED YOU

I'm trying so hard to not be angry - but the fact is, I am.  Yes, I know you are numb to the entire world and don't feel anything...good for you.  But not, really.  It's kind of sad.  We talked about that 2 1/2 years ago.  How it's sad.  I can't seem to find that NUMB button on me...I'd turn it on in a hot second if I could.  But I still believe in love and all that crap.  I really do.  It's what I want so I am trying to heal and learn from this.  Not sure what I can learn though.  I've no idea what happened - hard to find the lesson in that. 

So here I am all permanently puffy-faced and teary-eyed and broken-hearted trying to stop the raging shitstorm in my head.  Is this what happens when you love someone?  I was not clingy or jealous (maybe once or twice).  Not demanding (or overly so).  Typically patient and supportive (typically).  Not looking for someone to pay my way through life.   Just someone to share it with me.  I was honest and clear with my desires.  No hidden agenda.  I'm gainfully employed, not bad looking, in pretty good shape.  Sometimes funny, fairly intelligent.  Can hold a conversation with some knowledge of what's currently going on in the world.  And have an opinion on it.  Have no giant hangups about sex.   I'm thoughtful and kind.  And I can cook.   Seriously...WTH?   I think I just wrote my singles ad.

I missed you.  You moved away and I missed you.  I had a brief moment of insecurity.  And I expressed it.  Exposed it.  And then the world as we know it went to shit.   You were so cold to me the last time we spoke.  "No initiative," you said, when I asked why you didn't call me back.  It was not a normal message for me to have left you.  A show of concern would have been more appropriate than the disdain and utter disgust you showed.  I missed you.  That was all. I was having a hard time with you being so far away.  Let's put it behind us and move forward.  Except that never actually happens.  It never gets put behind us.   It never gets forgotten.  It just grows. 

I'd rather address these seemingly little issues.  Figure out the why's and the what's and the let's see how we can fix it so it doesn't happen again.  So they don't grow.  And come back to destroy us.  Because they always do.  The little things.

I missed you.