Thursday, August 16, 2012


Okay, this is a serious question.  No, seriously.  It is.  What the hell is a fucking SHARE TOY?  Bueller?  Bueller?  Anyone?

Yeah, see?  You have no idea, do you?  No, you don't.  It's not in Webster's Dictionary.  It's not in the Urban Dictionary.  It's not even part of anyone's flippin' vocabulary!  Except his.  It was bad enough when he said it in conversations with me.  But it was bloody embarrassing when he used that term in public.  Made me cringe!  Oh God, I was fearful he'd say it in front of my father.  But since he rarely spent time with my family, there was little-to-no chance that my dad would ever hear that inane meaningless utterance come from a grown man's mouth.  Share toy.  Really.  Sounds obscene.

Say it to yourself right now.  Go ahead, say it.  Share toy.  No one's listening.  Share toy.  Share toy.  Share toy.  Just say it out loud and ask yourself, "What image does that conjure?"   Well, I'll tell ya, it has nothing to do with some rubbery plastic device you might see in a porn movie (if you were to watch them...hey, I'm not judging).  It sounds like it could be.  Maybe.  I guess.  But it's not.

I've come to learn what he means by that expression.  I'll try to explain.  Say we're in a restaurant ("we're in a restaurant") and we order appetizers that we are going to split.  Yep...share toy.  Or a delicious dessert that is just too big for one of us after a big meal.  You got it.  Share toy.  God, how ridiculous and retarded.  And just plain stupid and wrong. 

Share toy. 

He almost ruined a trip to Kauai for me by using that term while engaged in conversation with a couple we did not know but accidentally bumped into as they were coming out of a restaurant that we were going in to.  He asked them about the menu.  They told us that the food was good and all served tapas-style.  Yes, little appetizers.  Uh oh, you already see where this is headed, don't you?  Down that dangerous road called 'humiliation.'  God, I prayed for him not to say it.   I prayed and begged in silence.  But...wait for it...wait for it..."Oh, share toys."   He said it like it was the most natural response in the world.  Oh, horror of horrors!  I almost died on the spot.  The couple just looked at him with blank expressions.  I could almost hear the man thinking, "What the fuck did he just say?"  They had NO idea what the hell he was talking about.  And they turned and walked away without another word.  Well, really, what could they have said to that?  Really.  Share toys?

I always figured maybe he got the term from some stupid little blonde cute-as-a-button girlfriend that may have said it to him in a little squeeky Mini-Mouse'ish voice.  "Ooooh, look..a share toy...heeheehee."  And she was probably just so damned hot that it didn't matter what blather she spewed, he would take it and accept it as real.  Because he has a penis.

A man might accept a woman saying it...because of said dick...but no man in the history of the world would ever actually repeat it.  Out loud.  To another human being.  No.  Never!  NEVER!!!    

I don't make this shit up.

You're still here?  It's over.  Go home.  Go.

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