THERAPY 'R' ME

Yep, it's been a while since I've blogged.  I know I talk all tough and everything but, honestly, I am really struggling with the situation I've been going through.  I decided on therapy.  Damn - she can't prescribe meds though.  I'll work on that one. 

I've been journaling so much I think I brought on premature arthritis in my writing hand.  It got all swollen, sore and claw-like.  Great.  I now have a hideous writer's bump on my middle finger with a nice little HUGE callous on it.  And I still don't have all the crap out of my head!!! 

I'm making a little scrapbook of motivational sayings.  Oh, so crafty.  And I'll probably throw it out before I ever finish it.  I'm reading self-help books like they're going out of style.  I even read them in the book store so I don't have to pay for any more of them (and so the cashier doesn't see me buying them and confirm what a loser in love I am).  I've written letters to him (that I will eventually burn but will never send).  I've talked to my friends so much they are beginning to avoid me (love you, Kristi!). 

My family is so over him.  They don't want to hear that I'm hung up on someone that is not hung up on me (I'm a 'tard).  My dad will immediately cut me off if I mention his name.  My dad thinks I should be as strong as he is.  I'm not.  I mean, I'm not weak.  But my dad is Mr. Unemotional.  And that is an understatement.

I cannot wait to get beyond this.  It's quite a bit more painful than the first go around.  Love sucks!  Losing love sucks even more. 

So, wish me luck on the therapy.  I'm gonna need it!

BREATHE...IT'S OVER

Here's the latest drama regarding the saga of "me" and "him."  IT'S OVER!!!  FINALLY!

I know that may sound funny now, after all this time.  But the truth is these past three months have been helacious!  Do I love the asshole?  Sadly, I still do.  But I imagine that will fade rather quickly this time around. 

Out of the blue, about two weeks ago, I got two emails from him.  They were sent at the beginning of my work week so I chose to NOT read them until the work week was done, in the event I got...that's right...let's all say it together...EMOTIONAL. 

Well, having NOT read the emails, I was unaware and unprepared for the first phone call I had received from him in 2 1/2 months.  My walls were waaaaay up high and very thick.  I was less than warm and fuzzy.  I was cautious and slightly cold.  I had NO idea why he was calling me.  I now have an idea, but I didn't have a clue at that time.

He asked how the weather was (so I knew he was back up north).  He wished me a BELATED birthday.  My birthday is in a few days.  In fact, it is 11 days after his.  That faux pas did not set well with me.  This would have been our 5th birthday celebration together.  I know.  It's very difficult to remember something like that, and I should be kinder, gentler, and more forgiving.  Ummm, yeah...NO!

He asked how I was doing.  I said I was okay.  I was still angry and in a decent amount of emotional pain.  I told him he managed to bring out the ugly in me.  He did say he had noticed that.  Things were somewhat cordial at this point.  But turning quickly.  He got a bit pissy.

Then he asked me if he should not have called me.  Hell, I don't even know why he was calling - but I told him he should have called me when he said he was going to.  He immediately got defensive and said that would have been difficult since he had been so sick.  What?  What the hell was he talking about?  I had no idea until later.

Oh, it went even more downhill from there, if possible. 

He then (wrongly) assumed that I wanted us to go our separate ways.  I responded with, "I thought you went your separate way back in November."   Yeah, I wasn't really being easy on him.  He didn't like that much.  Oh well, it was how I felt.   And after the crap he's put me through these past several months, I had every right to be bitchy.  In fact, he should have expected nothing less.

With an attitude he had developed rather quickly, he said, "I'm sorry I called."  I simply said, "I'm sure you are."  I'm pretty sure he was thinking I was going to relent and backtrack and apologize and become softer.  Nope...I just hung up.  I get stubborn just like he does at times.  Should I have hung up on him?  Probably not.  But I wasn't going to beg him to stay on the phone either.  Should he have maybe been more direct and actually TOLD me the purpose of the call?  Yes.  Don't call me after a few months of not even bothering to answer any of my calls and expect ME to guide the conversation.  Don't test the waters.  Use that spine and tell me what you called for.  Yeah, no such luck.

So...I opened the emails.  He missed me.  He hadn't given up on us.  He was finally coming out of his "cave."  Well, maybe I wish I'd have read those first.  Our conversation may have gone differently.  I'll never know. 

I feel kind of bad.  But only kind of.  The second email stated that he was sorry he wasn't calling that night but he was sick to his stomach and was going to bed.  So, he made himself physically ill just thinking about calling me.  But still, I only feel kind of bad.  Think about it.  Calling me was so difficult for him, yet he worked up the courage to do it.  Yet he never told me why he was calling.  And he's made me feel pretty crappy for quite some time now, so my sympathy for him was not as strong as maybe it could have been.  Does any of that make sense?  Oh, who cares.  It's my story.

I did try to call later to apologize for hanging up.  He had already gone back into his cave, I guess.  He had already resorted to avoidance.  God, he is so flippin' frustrating!  I tried a few more times and sent a few emails.  I was really getting tired of it all.   His immaturity is completely exhausting.  And it fuels mine.

So, fast forward two weeks.  I get an email from him asking me to not call him anymore.  He said I cannot make him love me.  Huh?  I thought he did love me because that's what he told me.  But I certainly was not trying to make him love me.  I may have been trying to make him respond to me, but I have no interest in trying to make a man love me.  Nor do I have any desire to be with a man who does not love me.  And now I know.  He does not love me.  He wishes he did...it would make life easier (???) but he does not.  Sorry.

What the fuck?  It was like a short Dr. Seuss story minus the rhyme.

His email has been blocked and his number purged from my phone.  I have, in a sense, deleted him from my life.  The memories will fade in time.  What a total waste of time these past three months have been.  Game over.

On the bright sde, I will NEVER have to hear him use the term "share toy" again.  Story for another day.

I MISSED YOU

I'm trying so hard to not be angry - but the fact is, I am.  Yes, I know you are numb to the entire world and don't feel anything...good for you.  But not, really.  It's kind of sad.  We talked about that 2 1/2 years ago.  How it's sad.  I can't seem to find that NUMB button on me...I'd turn it on in a hot second if I could.  But I still believe in love and all that crap.  I really do.  It's what I want so I am trying to heal and learn from this.  Not sure what I can learn though.  I've no idea what happened - hard to find the lesson in that. 

So here I am all permanently puffy-faced and teary-eyed and broken-hearted trying to stop the raging shitstorm in my head.  Is this what happens when you love someone?  I was not clingy or jealous (maybe once or twice).  Not demanding (or overly so).  Typically patient and supportive (typically).  Not looking for someone to pay my way through life.   Just someone to share it with me.  I was honest and clear with my desires.  No hidden agenda.  I'm gainfully employed, not bad looking, in pretty good shape.  Sometimes funny, fairly intelligent.  Can hold a conversation with some knowledge of what's currently going on in the world.  And have an opinion on it.  Have no giant hangups about sex.   I'm thoughtful and kind.  And I can cook.   Seriously...WTH?   I think I just wrote my singles ad.

I missed you.  You moved away and I missed you.  I had a brief moment of insecurity.  And I expressed it.  Exposed it.  And then the world as we know it went to shit.   You were so cold to me the last time we spoke.  "No initiative," you said, when I asked why you didn't call me back.  It was not a normal message for me to have left you.  A show of concern would have been more appropriate than the disdain and utter disgust you showed.  I missed you.  That was all. I was having a hard time with you being so far away.  Let's put it behind us and move forward.  Except that never actually happens.  It never gets put behind us.   It never gets forgotten.  It just grows. 

I'd rather address these seemingly little issues.  Figure out the why's and the what's and the let's see how we can fix it so it doesn't happen again.  So they don't grow.  And come back to destroy us.  Because they always do.  The little things.

I missed you.

GUESSWORK & GAMES

I seriously hate when people say "vacay" (random thought) - but I'm not much in the mood to really care right now.  I'm going on one.  A solo vacay. 

Dipshit hasn't called at all.  Not even to say adios.  I did receive a short email with a brief update on his dad.  I sent a follow up email (remember...I'm a 'tard) and got no response.  Shocker.  His dad could be dead for all I know.  I mean, I hope not.  But the surgery was serious and I guess there were complications but I'm dealing with someone who has horrendous communication skills.  I should say I "was" dealing with him.  I just can't do it anymore.  The little snippets of hope he tosses out there are no longer big enough for even me to latch on to.  Yes, of course I hope his dad is recovering and doing well.  Yes, I get that is important.  Yes, I get it. 

I have most of my vacation planned out.  Rooms are reserved.  Even some tours are booked - and I don't even really like tours all that much.  But it's something to do that will keep me from sitting in a hotel room, hundreds of miles from home, and being more pathetic than I'm being now.  If that's even possible. 

I may be a very sensitive person (Mom says I always have been).  And I may be very emotional (hard for me to hide how I'm feeling).  I don't fall in love easily, but when I do I usually fall hard.  But I am NOT a weak person.  I am not dishonest.  And I try not to hurt those I care about.  And if I think something is worth fighting for, I will fight to the end.  I also (eventually) realize when I'm fighting a losing battle.  I may end up with the battle scars while my "foe" may be unscathed.  That's okay.  I know I was honest and true to myself and to them, and I won't apologize for that.  I also would not leave someone I care about in a painful limbo situation.  I believe very much in resolving issues and moving forward - even if it's painful for one or both parties.  Dragging it out is far more painful.  And why?  What's the point of avoiding it?  Really?  Deal with it and move on for Christ's sake!  I've been given nothing to really deal with but more assumptions.  Fuck assumptions.  I'm done with the guesswork and games.  Time for me to take the reins and steer my life in a more positive direction.  Away from Dipshit.

I am not weak.  I will survive.  

'TARD I AM

I am so anxiety ridden right now.  I feel like I'm going to vomit.  WHY AM I SUCH A FREAKING SPAZ????

Crap!  I bring this sh*t on myself.  Should have walked years ago...and then months ago...and now I'm going to be so heartbroken because I am so invested now.  What an emotional 'tard I am.

And all I wanted was a normal relationship - but I don't know what that is!!  And I love this guy - but can't be with him if he's going to stay up north.  Can't go through 6 more months of that.  Or three more months.  On that I'm firm.   And I can't be with him if he decides he doesn't want to be with me.  Duh!!  And that would hurt.  No one wants to be rejected.  Seriously. 

So now I'm just waiting...and I hate that.  And I feel like I'm going to to vomit.  Did I mention that?

WHY AVOIDANCE?

Just a fleeting thought that is nagging at me right now...why do people avoid things.  I would never in a million years turn my back on, ignore or avoid someone I cared about in their time of need.  If I know someone I care about is in pain and they need me, I'm there for them.  Period!  If it's a rocky relationship, they may not exactly like what I have to say - but I would never just leave them answerless.  I'm having a helluva time understanding how this man can so easily ignore and avoid me, someone he said he loved and cared about.  Yeah, I know I need to move on.  Thank God for blogging.  It's sort of like sending that email but not.  It's safe.  It gets the feelings and thoughts out of my head yet I am not getting weak and begging someone for an answer I'll never get.  Trying to hang on to some of that dignity I've lost over the past 4+ years.  This is just the start of it all.  The healing process is long and painful in itself.  Weird, isn't it?  That healing hurts.  I guess I have to get it all out in the open in order for it to be addressed and, in a sense, dress the wound.  I'll never understand any of this.  The behavior is really very foreign to me.

Avoidance is not a solution.  It leaves things hanging to be handled later, when time has worked to make the situation fester and become larger than it was.  It creates barriers, walls.  People who once cared for each other become strangers.  Hearts ache until they finally break.  Avoidance doesn't mend anything or resolve issues.  It's cowardly.  If you've created a situation that has become ugly or painful because of your actions, then you do have some moral sense of obligation to right it, in the best way you can.  To the best of your ability.  That certainly doesn't mean that everything will become rosy again. It just means that you try to fix what you have broken.  Mend it.  Try to leave it as whole as you found it.  Relationships sometimes end.  Too often, maybe.  But if both parties have been open and honest, then no one really gets blindsided.  There are fewer surprises.  Fewer hurts.  Avoidance is cowardly.

I didn't handle this ending well.  I yelled and screamed and cursed and called names.  I can't take them back.  I did it out of pain.  It was a reaction to being caught completely unaware.  There are no more sorrys.  What's done is done and I need to move forward.  At least he knows how I feel.  I didn't avoid him.  I have NO idea what's going on with him.  I have to stop thinking about it.  It will stop hurting one day.                 

PLAN B

The countdown to vacation time has begun.  Less than two weeks away.  Beats the hell outta me where I'll be going, but I'm currently working on Plan B because Plan A has yet to return a phone call.  What the fuck?  Yeah, sorry for swearing.  Get used to it.

First of all, I'm completely confused as to why HE is mad at ME?  And secondly, why he said we'd put last weekend's weird phone call behind us and that he'd call but hasn't.  He knows the one way to drive me absolutely batshit insane is to make himself completely inaccessible.  He may not even be doing it intentionally, but that he's doing it at all is completely 100% wrong and, even more than that, it's fucked up.  He knows he'll have to deal with it sooner or later.  These things don't go away quietly.

Avoidance of a situation is such chicken shit.  Really.  Grow a pair.  Unless, of course, you really don't care.  And then the absolute least one could do is send an "adios" email.  Just out of common courtesy.  But don't leave a person you "say" you love and care about just hanging in endless limbo.  That is cruel.  It's torture.  And it's very junior high school.  

We've been together over 4 years.  To not bother to make a promised call or to return a call is really so immature.  So thoughtless.  Inconsiderate.  To leave someone dangling off the side of the bridge without any idea if there's a safety net way down there is just crap.

I cannot deal with "guessing" what the hell is happening or what he's thinking.  Yeah, yeah, yeah...it's right in front of my face, right?   Well, I handle it better if I'm TOLD the situation.  I like things straight up!  Shouldn't have to guess at this point.  My currently messed up head will conjure up all sorts of variables and what-ifs.  It's not like it's a first date and I'm waiting, hoping for that second call and it doesn't come.  I get that one.  This is an established relationship where we've talked about spending our lives together.  Where we're discussing where we want to settle down.  Working on that next step.  You know what I'm talking about.

If the commitment-phobe can't take the next big-boy step, then he should at least be able to address the situation like an adult.

Wish I could grow a pair.