WINNING

Every now and then a song is just what you need to hear over and over and loud and clear.  This is one among many of my archived faves...an oldie but a goodie...and fitting for the current circs.  The list of many is for another day.  But it includes Kelly Clarkson's "What Doesn't Kill Ya Makes Ya Stronger" and Sara Bareillies' "King of Anything."   I welcome suggestions for this category, too.  I do.  Really.

Random interjection:  A lady I work with asked me today if I had talked to "the jerk."  I said no.  She replied, "Good.  You're a fun person...you're a lot of fun to be around.  You need to find that person you think is a lot of fun to be around.  He's out there.  Go find him."  Hmmm, I think I will.       

 Go ahead...sing along.  You know the words!  Everyone does. 

THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKIN'

Nancy Sinatra

You keep saying you've got something for me.
Something you call love, but confess.
You've been messin' where you shouldn't have been a messin'
and now someone else is gettin' all your best.

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do.
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.  Yeah...

You keep lying when you oughta be truthin'
and you keep losin' when you oughta not bet.
You keep samin' when you oughta be a changin'.
Now what's right is right, but you ain't been right yet.

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do.
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

You keep playin' where you shouldn't be playin'
and you keep thinkin' that you´ll never get burned.  Ha!
I just found me a brand new box of matches yeah
and what he knows you ain't had time to learn.

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do.

One of these days these boot are gonna walk all over you.

Are you ready boots?  Start walkin'!

PARADIGM SHIFT

Well, well, well...guess who emailed me?  Yep!  When I got back to my desk after lunch yesterday, there it was just waiting for me to devour it.  But I didn't.  My heart didn't even skip a beat like it used to do when we were "together" and I'd get an email from him and felt like a schoolgirl in love.  

It's just sitting in my in-box...not even taunting me.  No, really, Bob...it's not.

I used to tell him, "If you are going to send me an email that might upset me, please, please, please do not send it on a Monday or in the middle of the day while I'm at work.  Please."  I really don't want to get any kind of bad news while I'm sitting at my desk and have hours to go before I can leave and have to pretend that those aren't tears...I have allergies.  No...I do.

So, what does he do?  Sends it at noon...on a Monday.  Really?

All I know is that it's quite short.  Truth is, I'm not really all that curious...which speaks volumes about the strides I am making in my own emotional healing.  He couldn't talk to me when I needed him to.  He sent me emails full of things he couldn't follow through on.  And he can't pick up the phone now to have a real adult "big person" conversation, so it really can't be all that important. 

Some friends have said to delete it immediately without reading it.  Others have said to open it immediately (they're more curious than I am).   And others have said to put it aside and save it for another day.  Although, to be honest, I'm leaning towards deletion.  But I think I'll just put it aside for now.  There is no need to make any decision on it today.  Or tomorrow.  Or even next week. 

Another friend said I should forward it to all of my friends and allow them to respond to him.  In any way they see fit.  No, I won't do that - but the idea is somewhat genius, if juvenile.  And would have been something I might have considered if I was a recently and unexpectedly dumped schoolgirl in love.

I'm not a schoolgirl.


UPDATED EMAIL ALERT:  07/11/12 - another email was received last night (about 7:30pm) - which also has remained unopened for the time being.

I MISSED YOU

I'm trying so hard to not be angry - but the fact is, I am.  Yes, I know you are numb to the entire world and don't feel anything...good for you.  But not, really.  It's kind of sad.  We talked about that 2 1/2 years ago.  How it's sad.  I can't seem to find that NUMB button on me...I'd turn it on in a hot second if I could.  But I still believe in love and all that crap.  I really do.  It's what I want so I am trying to heal and learn from this.  Not sure what I can learn though.  I've no idea what happened - hard to find the lesson in that. 

So here I am all permanently puffy-faced and teary-eyed and broken-hearted trying to stop the raging shitstorm in my head.  Is this what happens when you love someone?  I was not clingy or jealous (maybe once or twice).  Not demanding (or overly so).  Typically patient and supportive (typically).  Not looking for someone to pay my way through life.   Just someone to share it with me.  I was honest and clear with my desires.  No hidden agenda.  I'm gainfully employed, not bad looking, in pretty good shape.  Sometimes funny, fairly intelligent.  Can hold a conversation with some knowledge of what's currently going on in the world.  And have an opinion on it.  Have no giant hangups about sex.   I'm thoughtful and kind.  And I can cook.   Seriously...WTH?   I think I just wrote my singles ad.

I missed you.  You moved away and I missed you.  I had a brief moment of insecurity.  And I expressed it.  Exposed it.  And then the world as we know it went to shit.   You were so cold to me the last time we spoke.  "No initiative," you said, when I asked why you didn't call me back.  It was not a normal message for me to have left you.  A show of concern would have been more appropriate than the disdain and utter disgust you showed.  I missed you.  That was all. I was having a hard time with you being so far away.  Let's put it behind us and move forward.  Except that never actually happens.  It never gets put behind us.   It never gets forgotten.  It just grows. 

I'd rather address these seemingly little issues.  Figure out the why's and the what's and the let's see how we can fix it so it doesn't happen again.  So they don't grow.  And come back to destroy us.  Because they always do.  The little things.

I missed you.

The 28-Day Curse

Major emotional set back this weekend.  But guess what?  Oh, yeah...you're way ahead of  me.  I started my fucking period!  I started getting weirdly emotional on Thursday.  Couldn't figure out why.  I'd actually been holding up pretty well.  YES - I still miss the hell outta him.  Geez...it's only been a few weeks since his last email (the no-show let down one).  And, recall if you will, that I'm still holding on AND I'm a 'tard.  But still...I was actually really looking forward to seeing him.  I love him, okay?  Give me a break!  Was hoping maybe something would be cleared up.  Like maybe he'd have an epiphany and realize he loved me too.  Bahahahaaa!  But I digress...

Anyway, Thursday, I ended up going to Happy Hour with a good friend of mine.  She's very understanding...also a Leo.  We compare notes.   And we laugh.  So the night went by quickly and I was doing okay.  Went home and got a decent night's sleep.

Friday fucking sucked!  Anger at no response/resolution started kicking in.  Big time!  Confusion surrounded me.  Who to turn to?   Well, the person responsible for the pain and confusion, of course.  More emails and voicemails.  Now, I'm sure he doesn't listen to them or read them.  But still...I should not be sending them.  He doesn't care.  I have no control.  Seriously!  It's like I'm helpess. 

So, my period actually started on Saturday.  Wonderful.  There's been no stopping the emotional rollercoaster since then.  Wheeeeee...what a fun ride.  There's also been no stopping the voicemails or emails either.  God knows he will never answer his phone if he sees it's my number, meaning I will continue to call.  I leave ultra-pathetic messages and then I listen to them and then I erase them and start all over.  I do that about 7 times until I think it sounds just right.  Then I hit the dreaded send button.  And then I kick myself because I remember something really clever.  So I call back and do it again.  And then I kick myself for even doing it at all in the first place!  'Tard. 

Guess he's mad at a voicemail I may have left a couple of weeks back.  When I may have raised my voice.  And may have used a tone.  May have yelled into the phone something along the lines of, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!?!?"  Oh well, he'll get over it!  He's a grown man.  And he's dealing with a grown woman.  These things happen.  His overblown ego can't deal with that though.  I can hear him in his King Phillip voice..."Who does she think she is speaking to me that way?  Unacceptable, indeed."

So, I'm currently deciding if I really do need therapy or if I just need to let this cycle pass?  And if I let this cycle pass and I go all batshit psycho again in about 28 days?  Yep, therapy.

The thing is, I totally know he has no interest.  But the mere fact that he won't provide me with closure is enough to send me over the edge.  It's just enough to make me hold out hope.  Who doesn't see the simple answer there is to PROVIDE RESOLUTION!!!  Seriously, he acts like a fucking 15 year old boy by NOT providing a simple answer, and then I act like a 15 year old girl and get all stupid.  Really?  I need meds.

Someday I'll tell you about all the red flags.  You'll laugh at just how amazingly fucking stupid I really am.  
   

GUESSWORK & GAMES

I seriously hate when people say "vacay" (random thought) - but I'm not much in the mood to really care right now.  I'm going on one.  A solo vacay. 

Dipshit hasn't called at all.  Not even to say adios.  I did receive a short email with a brief update on his dad.  I sent a follow up email (remember...I'm a 'tard) and got no response.  Shocker.  His dad could be dead for all I know.  I mean, I hope not.  But the surgery was serious and I guess there were complications but I'm dealing with someone who has horrendous communication skills.  I should say I "was" dealing with him.  I just can't do it anymore.  The little snippets of hope he tosses out there are no longer big enough for even me to latch on to.  Yes, of course I hope his dad is recovering and doing well.  Yes, I get that is important.  Yes, I get it. 

I have most of my vacation planned out.  Rooms are reserved.  Even some tours are booked - and I don't even really like tours all that much.  But it's something to do that will keep me from sitting in a hotel room, hundreds of miles from home, and being more pathetic than I'm being now.  If that's even possible. 

I may be a very sensitive person (Mom says I always have been).  And I may be very emotional (hard for me to hide how I'm feeling).  I don't fall in love easily, but when I do I usually fall hard.  But I am NOT a weak person.  I am not dishonest.  And I try not to hurt those I care about.  And if I think something is worth fighting for, I will fight to the end.  I also (eventually) realize when I'm fighting a losing battle.  I may end up with the battle scars while my "foe" may be unscathed.  That's okay.  I know I was honest and true to myself and to them, and I won't apologize for that.  I also would not leave someone I care about in a painful limbo situation.  I believe very much in resolving issues and moving forward - even if it's painful for one or both parties.  Dragging it out is far more painful.  And why?  What's the point of avoiding it?  Really?  Deal with it and move on for Christ's sake!  I've been given nothing to really deal with but more assumptions.  Fuck assumptions.  I'm done with the guesswork and games.  Time for me to take the reins and steer my life in a more positive direction.  Away from Dipshit.

I am not weak.  I will survive.  

RAW RAMBLINGS

Along with the agonizing pain and seemingly endless heartache you have caused me with your promises that don't pan out and distance (literal and figurative), I feel so foolish.  I believed in you.  I trusted you.  I put my faith in you.  Again.  I was clear with my expectations.  You knew what I wanted.  I wasn't vague.

I supported your dream.  A dream I was not even a part of.  I was patient and understanding and happy for you.  I did it all with zero commitment from you.  Maybe that was my fault.  Clearly it was.  I did not hound you with phone calls and questions.  I gave you all the freedom you wanted.  I believed in you.  I trusted you.  I put my faith in you.  I feel so foolish.

All I asked of you, before you left, please do not avoid me.  Please. 

I got no thanks, no understanding, no appreciation.  No show of concern when I acted with a bit of seemingly unfounded irrationality. 

I told you I was having a hard time way down here without you, the man I love so much.  I was cracking.  Breaking.  You didn't even notice.  I wanted to be by your side.  The longer you were gone and the less I saw of you, the more I began to wonder why I was down here all alone.  The more I missed you.  If you had wanted me there, I'd be there.  If you missed me, you would have called me.  But that's not how it was.        

I snapped.  Almost completely in two.  This situation would have been difficult for many couples, and most would never have attempted it.  Most women would have walked away at the get-go.  Go ahead - ask your friends what their wives or girlfriends would have done.  I'm not most women.  But I am human.  Just not Super Woman.  I used about all the patience and inner strength I could muster up but still, I snapped.  Remember, I'm only human.  After snapping, I reached out to you...to apologize...to explain...to hear your voice.  You shut down.  Shut me out.  Shut off communication. 

Communication.  A word you hold so dear.

"We don't communicate well."  No, we don't.  You don't share your thoughts or ideas with me.  I find it difficult to guess what you are thinking.  I don't have a crystal ball.  Or even a Magic 8 Ball.  If an issue arises, you say we'll put it behind us and move forward.  You are unable to address it.  You never manage to really put it behind you.  Completely.  The issue never gets resolved.  You bring it up later.  And then you say, "We don't communicate well."  You use that as an excuse to kindly step out of the relationship.  "I'm sorry.  We don't communicate well.  We hold things in until one of us explodes.  This just isn't working."   YOU hold things in.  I attempt to get something out of you, you make yourself competely inaccessible, and then I explode.  Then you decide we don't have the right stuff for a relationship.  That I'm too emotional.  That's it.  End of discussion (before it even gets off the ground).  No communication.  And you walk away.  But couples have issues.  All couples.  They need to be addressed...through communication.  Open communication.  Listening and speaking.  Not avoiding.  Not by walking away.  Not if there is love.     

Where I am expressive and overflowing with emotion, you are stoic and composed.  When I hurt, I blurt it out.  When you hurt, you don't show it.  You won't share any of your inner workings with me.  But that's what we're here for.  To help each other through the hurts.  Not just for the happy times.

Your wall is so thick.  I promised you I would do my best to break through it.  Hard to do when you are many states away and keep deflecting, avoiding, ignoring my attempts.   Or are completely unaware of them.  But I never gave up.  You know me.  I'm not a quitter.  If anything, I'm a fixer. 

You have an incredible ability to supress your feelings, while I just vomit mine all over the place.  Sometimes I wish I was more like you in that regard.  But sometimes I wish you were a little more like me.  Just a little.

You're also a very proud man.  One of your many traits that I admire.  But sometimes you let your pride get in the way of every day life.  You took my foolish bit of insecurity, left for you in a short voice mail, as an attack on your integrity.  How?  How did that happen?  I don't understand that at all.  And you won't help me to understand.  You got angry and then, lo and behold, like clockwork, here comes the big "avoid."  You didn't put anything behind us - you didn't even give me an opportunity to "communicate" my feelings to you.  You didn't care enough about my feelings to listen to what was going on wtih me.  To find out what my needs were. 

You have an M.O.  Your big "avoid" is the precursor to the big "break-up."  The big "break-up" is based on our "poor communication."  I sensed the big "avoid" because, well, because it's impossible to miss.  Silence.  Sadly, because I so fear the big "break-up," my emotions take over.  Yes, and you fear my emotions so much that this causes you to further avoid.  Vicious cycle with no resolution.  What the hell happened to "communication"?

I've held on.  I would've held on forever.  I thought you were my forever.  But I am not a part of your bigger picture.  You haven't spoken to me in over a week.  You haven't spoken to me when all I needed from you was a simple "I love you."  You've no idea the calming effect that has on me.  Instead, while I was cracking, breaking, doing my damnedest to stay strong and put together, and failing miserably, you email me...email me...that we'll talk when it's convenient for you.  Not when I really needed it.  Message received loud and clear.

I know what's coming and I fear it.  It makes me very sad.  In fact, it breaks my heart.  I thought our love for each other was stronger than that.  Even now, I love you with all my heart - as broken as it is.  But I can't stop the inevitable.  I know you well enough now to know what's coming.  And it's too painful for me to deal with...because it is not what I want.  It's so far from what I want.  So it's my turn.

I have to "avoid" it. 
  

WHY AVOIDANCE?

Just a fleeting thought that is nagging at me right now...why do people avoid things.  I would never in a million years turn my back on, ignore or avoid someone I cared about in their time of need.  If I know someone I care about is in pain and they need me, I'm there for them.  Period!  If it's a rocky relationship, they may not exactly like what I have to say - but I would never just leave them answerless.  I'm having a helluva time understanding how this man can so easily ignore and avoid me, someone he said he loved and cared about.  Yeah, I know I need to move on.  Thank God for blogging.  It's sort of like sending that email but not.  It's safe.  It gets the feelings and thoughts out of my head yet I am not getting weak and begging someone for an answer I'll never get.  Trying to hang on to some of that dignity I've lost over the past 4+ years.  This is just the start of it all.  The healing process is long and painful in itself.  Weird, isn't it?  That healing hurts.  I guess I have to get it all out in the open in order for it to be addressed and, in a sense, dress the wound.  I'll never understand any of this.  The behavior is really very foreign to me.

Avoidance is not a solution.  It leaves things hanging to be handled later, when time has worked to make the situation fester and become larger than it was.  It creates barriers, walls.  People who once cared for each other become strangers.  Hearts ache until they finally break.  Avoidance doesn't mend anything or resolve issues.  It's cowardly.  If you've created a situation that has become ugly or painful because of your actions, then you do have some moral sense of obligation to right it, in the best way you can.  To the best of your ability.  That certainly doesn't mean that everything will become rosy again. It just means that you try to fix what you have broken.  Mend it.  Try to leave it as whole as you found it.  Relationships sometimes end.  Too often, maybe.  But if both parties have been open and honest, then no one really gets blindsided.  There are fewer surprises.  Fewer hurts.  Avoidance is cowardly.

I didn't handle this ending well.  I yelled and screamed and cursed and called names.  I can't take them back.  I did it out of pain.  It was a reaction to being caught completely unaware.  There are no more sorrys.  What's done is done and I need to move forward.  At least he knows how I feel.  I didn't avoid him.  I have NO idea what's going on with him.  I have to stop thinking about it.  It will stop hurting one day.                 

I GREW A PAIR

I did it!  After several messages to him asking him to throw me a bone, give me some idea of what's going on, help me confirm my vacation, etc., I received a teeny tiny email from him.  He said he obviously didn't feel like talking (I'm a grown man...I don't feel like talking and you can't make me) but that he'd be down this week for his dad's surgery and we'd talk then (guess again).  Typical, vague, containing nothing concrete, not addressing any of my concerns, and once again leaving me to wonder what the hell is going on.

And as vague and brief as it was...MESSAGE RECEIVED LOUD & CLEAR!

I did respond.  Initially with a voice mail or two of which I have little to no recollection of content other than they were not only laced with, but almost fully comprised of, expletives.  And I may have raised my voice.

I then was finally able to catch my breath and compose myself back into the lady that I am.  I left another voice mail.  Calmer.  More in control of my wavering voice.  I told him to concentrate on being with his family and making sure they were all taken care of.  After all, his father's health really IS the priority here.  But I did tell him NOT to contact me.  There's no point.  If he can't talk to me when I need him to, then he certainly isn't going to talk to me when he feels it's something he needs to do to make himself feel better.

If I had agreed to talk when he comes down it would have been one of three scenarios:
A)  He'd want to meet to tell me he's sorry that things just aren't working out.  I'd get the obligatory hug and pat on the head with and the, "Gee, you're a great gal.  You'll make someone very happy."  Bite me.
B)  I'd look forward to hearing from him, getting my hopes once again, only to be left hanging with no call or an email stating he's too busy to talk to me at this time.  Delay, delay, avoid. 
C)  We'd talk, smooth things over, put a little bandaid on the bigger issue, have sex, and then spend the next 6 months repeating what's gone on for the first 6 months of his sojourn.  Over it. 

Yeah, none of them sound super-duper enticing to me.  I think I'll continue working on Plan B.  I'll need some time to heal this broken heart of mine.  It'll take longer than two weeks.  But it's a start.  A step in the right direction.  

Yes, I do know that the next several days will be a real test of my strength.  I can't call or email him.  I simply can't.  Of course I'll check my voice mail and email every 3 minutes for the first couple of weeks but that's part of the healing process.  Sad way to watch four years of loving and trusting someone slip away.  But I was always honest with my feelings.  Straight forward with what I wanted.  Clear with my expectations.  There were no surprises.  I just believed when I should have walked away. 

The red flags were there.  I just refused to see them.  Wow - love really is blind.