Along with the agonizing pain and seemingly endless heartache you have caused me with your promises that don't pan out and distance (literal and figurative), I feel so foolish. I believed in you. I trusted you. I put my faith in you. Again. I was clear with my expectations. You knew what I wanted. I wasn't vague.
I supported your dream. A dream I was not even a part of. I was patient and understanding and happy for you. I did it all with zero commitment from you. Maybe that was my fault. Clearly it was. I did not hound you with phone calls and questions. I gave you all the freedom you wanted. I believed in you. I trusted you. I put my faith in you. I feel so foolish.
All I asked of you, before you left, please do not avoid me. Please.
I got no thanks, no understanding, no appreciation. No show of concern when I acted with a bit of seemingly unfounded irrationality.
I told you I was having a hard time way down here without you, the man I love so much. I was cracking. Breaking. You didn't even notice. I wanted to be by your side. The longer you were gone and the less I saw of you, the more I began to wonder why I was down here all alone. The more I missed you. If you had wanted me there, I'd be there. If you missed me, you would have called me. But that's not how it was.
I snapped. Almost completely in two. This situation would have been difficult for many couples, and most would never have attempted it. Most women would have walked away at the get-go. Go ahead - ask your friends what their wives or girlfriends would have done. I'm not most women. But I am human. Just not Super Woman. I used about all the patience and inner strength I could muster up but still, I snapped. Remember, I'm only human. After snapping, I reached out to you...to apologize...to explain...to hear your voice. You shut down. Shut me out. Shut off communication.
Communication. A word you hold so dear.
"We don't communicate well." No, we don't. You don't share your thoughts or ideas with me. I find it difficult to guess what you are thinking. I don't have a crystal ball. Or even a Magic 8 Ball. If an issue arises, you say we'll put it behind us and move forward. You are unable to address it. You never manage to really put it behind you. Completely. The issue never gets resolved. You bring it up later. And then you say, "We don't communicate well." You use that as an excuse to kindly step out of the relationship. "I'm sorry. We don't communicate well. We hold things in until one of us explodes. This just isn't working." YOU hold things in. I attempt to get something out of you, you make yourself competely inaccessible, and then I explode. Then you decide we don't have the right stuff for a relationship. That I'm too emotional. That's it. End of discussion (before it even gets off the ground). No communication. And you walk away. But couples have issues. All couples. They need to be addressed...through communication. Open communication. Listening and speaking. Not avoiding. Not by walking away. Not if there is love.
Where I am expressive and overflowing with emotion, you are stoic and composed. When I hurt, I blurt it out. When you hurt, you don't show it. You won't share any of your inner workings with me. But that's what we're here for. To help each other through the hurts. Not just for the happy times.
Your wall is so thick. I promised you I would do my best to break through it. Hard to do when you are many states away and keep deflecting, avoiding, ignoring my attempts. Or are completely unaware of them. But I never gave up. You know me. I'm not a quitter. If anything, I'm a fixer.
You have an incredible ability to supress your feelings, while I just vomit mine all over the place. Sometimes I wish I was more like you in that regard. But sometimes I wish you were a little more like me. Just a little.
You're also a very proud man. One of your many traits that I admire. But sometimes you let your pride get in the way of every day life. You took my foolish bit of insecurity, left for you in a short voice mail, as an attack on your integrity. How? How did that happen? I don't understand that at all. And you won't help me to understand. You got angry and then, lo and behold, like clockwork, here comes the big "avoid." You didn't put anything behind us - you didn't even give me an opportunity to "communicate" my feelings to you. You didn't care enough about my feelings to listen to what was going on wtih me. To find out what my needs were.
You have an M.O. Your big "avoid" is the precursor to the big "break-up." The big "break-up" is based on our "poor communication." I sensed the big "avoid" because, well, because it's impossible to miss. Silence. Sadly, because I so fear the big "break-up," my emotions take over. Yes, and you fear my emotions so much that this causes you to further avoid. Vicious cycle with no resolution. What the hell happened to "communication"?
I've held on. I would've held on forever. I thought you were my forever. But I am not a part of your bigger picture. You haven't spoken to me in over a week. You haven't spoken to me when all I needed from you was a simple "I love you." You've no idea the calming effect that has on me. Instead, while I was cracking, breaking, doing my damnedest to stay strong and put together, and failing miserably, you email me...email me...that we'll talk when it's convenient for you. Not when I really needed it. Message received loud and clear.
I know what's coming and I fear it. It makes me very sad. In fact, it breaks my heart. I thought our love for each other was stronger than that. Even now, I love you with all my heart - as broken as it is. But I can't stop the inevitable. I know you well enough now to know what's coming. And it's too painful for me to deal with...because it is not what I want. It's so far from what I want. So it's my turn.
I have to "avoid" it.
No comments:
Post a Comment