OWN YOUR SHIT LIKE A MAN

 

Really, this doesn't need much of a story or explanation to go along with it if you've read any of this blog.  You will totally get it! 

If you are a man and are going to enter yourself willingly into a relationship, watch it grow over a number of years, and perhaps even nurture it in your own stupid, lame-ass way, and then decide you have perhaps made a mistake, a very grave mistake, with nothing to support your decision (I love you, I love you not) and think perhaps it should no longer continue because you are just plain retarded, then have the effing decency to handle your shit like a man.  

Sending an email is being a pussy about it.  Period. 

You are a pussy. 

Any questions?     

WINNING

Every now and then a song is just what you need to hear over and over and loud and clear.  This is one among many of my archived faves...an oldie but a goodie...and fitting for the current circs.  The list of many is for another day.  But it includes Kelly Clarkson's "What Doesn't Kill Ya Makes Ya Stronger" and Sara Bareillies' "King of Anything."   I welcome suggestions for this category, too.  I do.  Really.

Random interjection:  A lady I work with asked me today if I had talked to "the jerk."  I said no.  She replied, "Good.  You're a fun person...you're a lot of fun to be around.  You need to find that person you think is a lot of fun to be around.  He's out there.  Go find him."  Hmmm, I think I will.       

 Go ahead...sing along.  You know the words!  Everyone does. 

THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKIN'

Nancy Sinatra

You keep saying you've got something for me.
Something you call love, but confess.
You've been messin' where you shouldn't have been a messin'
and now someone else is gettin' all your best.

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do.
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.  Yeah...

You keep lying when you oughta be truthin'
and you keep losin' when you oughta not bet.
You keep samin' when you oughta be a changin'.
Now what's right is right, but you ain't been right yet.

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do.
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

You keep playin' where you shouldn't be playin'
and you keep thinkin' that you´ll never get burned.  Ha!
I just found me a brand new box of matches yeah
and what he knows you ain't had time to learn.

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do.

One of these days these boot are gonna walk all over you.

Are you ready boots?  Start walkin'!

STARTING OVER

I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I am single.  Starting over.  Party of one.  Just me.  No, no one will be joining me this evening.  Or tomorrow.  But maybe in a while. 

So, what to do about it?  I got my hair cut and colored.  I've already spent too much money on clothes, but now I'm starting to put actual outfits together.  I'm working out again.  I'm in therapy to improve me.  Working on my outlook.  Taking some classes and taking up new hobbies.  Trying to figure out what really makes ME happy.   And trying to figure out what I want in a man.  Because I do enjoy the company of...the right man. 

Wonder if he's out there...maybe looking for me.   

THERAPY 'R' ME

Yep, it's been a while since I've blogged.  I know I talk all tough and everything but, honestly, I am really struggling with the situation I've been going through.  I decided on therapy.  Damn - she can't prescribe meds though.  I'll work on that one. 

I've been journaling so much I think I brought on premature arthritis in my writing hand.  It got all swollen, sore and claw-like.  Great.  I now have a hideous writer's bump on my middle finger with a nice little HUGE callous on it.  And I still don't have all the crap out of my head!!! 

I'm making a little scrapbook of motivational sayings.  Oh, so crafty.  And I'll probably throw it out before I ever finish it.  I'm reading self-help books like they're going out of style.  I even read them in the book store so I don't have to pay for any more of them (and so the cashier doesn't see me buying them and confirm what a loser in love I am).  I've written letters to him (that I will eventually burn but will never send).  I've talked to my friends so much they are beginning to avoid me (love you, Kristi!). 

My family is so over him.  They don't want to hear that I'm hung up on someone that is not hung up on me (I'm a 'tard).  My dad will immediately cut me off if I mention his name.  My dad thinks I should be as strong as he is.  I'm not.  I mean, I'm not weak.  But my dad is Mr. Unemotional.  And that is an understatement.

I cannot wait to get beyond this.  It's quite a bit more painful than the first go around.  Love sucks!  Losing love sucks even more. 

So, wish me luck on the therapy.  I'm gonna need it!

BREATHE...IT'S OVER

Here's the latest drama regarding the saga of "me" and "him."  IT'S OVER!!!  FINALLY!

I know that may sound funny now, after all this time.  But the truth is these past three months have been helacious!  Do I love the asshole?  Sadly, I still do.  But I imagine that will fade rather quickly this time around. 

Out of the blue, about two weeks ago, I got two emails from him.  They were sent at the beginning of my work week so I chose to NOT read them until the work week was done, in the event I got...that's right...let's all say it together...EMOTIONAL. 

Well, having NOT read the emails, I was unaware and unprepared for the first phone call I had received from him in 2 1/2 months.  My walls were waaaaay up high and very thick.  I was less than warm and fuzzy.  I was cautious and slightly cold.  I had NO idea why he was calling me.  I now have an idea, but I didn't have a clue at that time.

He asked how the weather was (so I knew he was back up north).  He wished me a BELATED birthday.  My birthday is in a few days.  In fact, it is 11 days after his.  That faux pas did not set well with me.  This would have been our 5th birthday celebration together.  I know.  It's very difficult to remember something like that, and I should be kinder, gentler, and more forgiving.  Ummm, yeah...NO!

He asked how I was doing.  I said I was okay.  I was still angry and in a decent amount of emotional pain.  I told him he managed to bring out the ugly in me.  He did say he had noticed that.  Things were somewhat cordial at this point.  But turning quickly.  He got a bit pissy.

Then he asked me if he should not have called me.  Hell, I don't even know why he was calling - but I told him he should have called me when he said he was going to.  He immediately got defensive and said that would have been difficult since he had been so sick.  What?  What the hell was he talking about?  I had no idea until later.

Oh, it went even more downhill from there, if possible. 

He then (wrongly) assumed that I wanted us to go our separate ways.  I responded with, "I thought you went your separate way back in November."   Yeah, I wasn't really being easy on him.  He didn't like that much.  Oh well, it was how I felt.   And after the crap he's put me through these past several months, I had every right to be bitchy.  In fact, he should have expected nothing less.

With an attitude he had developed rather quickly, he said, "I'm sorry I called."  I simply said, "I'm sure you are."  I'm pretty sure he was thinking I was going to relent and backtrack and apologize and become softer.  Nope...I just hung up.  I get stubborn just like he does at times.  Should I have hung up on him?  Probably not.  But I wasn't going to beg him to stay on the phone either.  Should he have maybe been more direct and actually TOLD me the purpose of the call?  Yes.  Don't call me after a few months of not even bothering to answer any of my calls and expect ME to guide the conversation.  Don't test the waters.  Use that spine and tell me what you called for.  Yeah, no such luck.

So...I opened the emails.  He missed me.  He hadn't given up on us.  He was finally coming out of his "cave."  Well, maybe I wish I'd have read those first.  Our conversation may have gone differently.  I'll never know. 

I feel kind of bad.  But only kind of.  The second email stated that he was sorry he wasn't calling that night but he was sick to his stomach and was going to bed.  So, he made himself physically ill just thinking about calling me.  But still, I only feel kind of bad.  Think about it.  Calling me was so difficult for him, yet he worked up the courage to do it.  Yet he never told me why he was calling.  And he's made me feel pretty crappy for quite some time now, so my sympathy for him was not as strong as maybe it could have been.  Does any of that make sense?  Oh, who cares.  It's my story.

I did try to call later to apologize for hanging up.  He had already gone back into his cave, I guess.  He had already resorted to avoidance.  God, he is so flippin' frustrating!  I tried a few more times and sent a few emails.  I was really getting tired of it all.   His immaturity is completely exhausting.  And it fuels mine.

So, fast forward two weeks.  I get an email from him asking me to not call him anymore.  He said I cannot make him love me.  Huh?  I thought he did love me because that's what he told me.  But I certainly was not trying to make him love me.  I may have been trying to make him respond to me, but I have no interest in trying to make a man love me.  Nor do I have any desire to be with a man who does not love me.  And now I know.  He does not love me.  He wishes he did...it would make life easier (???) but he does not.  Sorry.

What the fuck?  It was like a short Dr. Seuss story minus the rhyme.

His email has been blocked and his number purged from my phone.  I have, in a sense, deleted him from my life.  The memories will fade in time.  What a total waste of time these past three months have been.  Game over.

On the bright sde, I will NEVER have to hear him use the term "share toy" again.  Story for another day.

PARADIGM SHIFT

Well, well, well...guess who emailed me?  Yep!  When I got back to my desk after lunch yesterday, there it was just waiting for me to devour it.  But I didn't.  My heart didn't even skip a beat like it used to do when we were "together" and I'd get an email from him and felt like a schoolgirl in love.  

It's just sitting in my in-box...not even taunting me.  No, really, Bob...it's not.

I used to tell him, "If you are going to send me an email that might upset me, please, please, please do not send it on a Monday or in the middle of the day while I'm at work.  Please."  I really don't want to get any kind of bad news while I'm sitting at my desk and have hours to go before I can leave and have to pretend that those aren't tears...I have allergies.  No...I do.

So, what does he do?  Sends it at noon...on a Monday.  Really?

All I know is that it's quite short.  Truth is, I'm not really all that curious...which speaks volumes about the strides I am making in my own emotional healing.  He couldn't talk to me when I needed him to.  He sent me emails full of things he couldn't follow through on.  And he can't pick up the phone now to have a real adult "big person" conversation, so it really can't be all that important. 

Some friends have said to delete it immediately without reading it.  Others have said to open it immediately (they're more curious than I am).   And others have said to put it aside and save it for another day.  Although, to be honest, I'm leaning towards deletion.  But I think I'll just put it aside for now.  There is no need to make any decision on it today.  Or tomorrow.  Or even next week. 

Another friend said I should forward it to all of my friends and allow them to respond to him.  In any way they see fit.  No, I won't do that - but the idea is somewhat genius, if juvenile.  And would have been something I might have considered if I was a recently and unexpectedly dumped schoolgirl in love.

I'm not a schoolgirl.


UPDATED EMAIL ALERT:  07/11/12 - another email was received last night (about 7:30pm) - which also has remained unopened for the time being.

DIRE STRAITS

Well, your house was re-listed for rent yesterday.  Yes, I checked.  No rental income for April, May, June, July, and possibly August, depending on how quickly it rents.  That's a loss of somewhere between $15,000.00 - $20,000.00.  With the potential for that to go higher if you don't get renters in there fast.  The agonizing wait begins.

You had to pay an attorney to get the grifters out.  You have a property manager to pay.  You have a listing agent to pay.  You've had to pay for repairs to your home.  You still have to pay your mortage on that house and your rent in Jackson Hole.  You have a storage unit with all your belongings in it out in Banning that you have to pay for or risk losing your things.  You have property taxes to pay.  Not to mention your daily living expenses and two dogs to feed.

You said you depleted your savings prior to moving to Jackson Hole.

Your timeshare payment is coming due.   

You have a business with slow paying clients.  If they are even paying at all.  You have materials to buy in order to get the jobs done.  You have to pay the folks you contracted to do the work.  You have to pay your quarterly taxes.  You can't meet these obligations if you have no income from your clients.  It's probably not the best time, in this crappy economy, to drum up new clients.

You have two large dogs that can't stay at home and take care of themselves, so you have to travel to and from Jackson Hole via your automobile to check on things down here (home, family, business).  That can get expensive, factoring in gas, food and lodging for each trip.  And it's wear and tear on the car, which already has its share of miles on it.

Your father recently had a heart attack followed by heart valve surgery that nearly took his life.  You've had to spend time down here in California staying at your mom's during that difficult period.  That didn't help anything.  She was, in your words, a nightmare.  But at least now you have a better understanding of why.

Your girlfriend has been a raging lunatic brought on by lack of communication from you.  She inundated you with voicemails and emails while she was overcome with confusion and heartache and no real understanding of your avoidance of her.  She hit every emotion imaginable, from sadness to anger to compassion to sheer panic.  All the highs and lows and everything in between.  It has taken her nearly two months to be able to step outside of her own grief and figure out, on her own, the dire straits you are probably really in.  Because you never communicated to her what was happening or what you needed, even if it was space. 

The damage is done.  And still I hope it's not too late.  While suspecting that it is.

I hope someday you can understand that I was unaware of the possible devastating effects this has all had on you.  You did not confide in me the severity of your situation.  A short, vague email which did not convey much information at all was what I received.  How was I supposed to understand?  How was I supposed to provide you with support?  I'm guessing that at this point you are in the struggle of your lifetime trying to stay afloat financially.  And that is where your focus has been, is now, and will be for a while.  Survival. 

I am sorry that you are going through all of this.  I would never wish this on anyone.  It's a lot to handle each of these issues individually, and overwhelming, to say the least, to get hit with all of them at one time.  It would be enough to drive even the strongest of individuals to a breaking point.  You admittedly, historically, can handle only one issue at a time.  No wonder you have not wanted to deal with a relationship.  I do understand that, even though I'm still guessing at this situation, for the most part, as you've still not spoken with me.  And even though I would have done anything in the world to help you through it all.

I realize that you probably can't just move back in to your beautiful home at this point either, even if you wanted to.  You have no steady income from which to pay your mortgage and other financial obligations.  You need that rental income now to provide you with the income necessary to keep your head above water until somehow things turn around. 

Maybe you'll stay up there forever.  Maybe you'll rent or buy a place in the desert.  Maybe someday you'll come back.  I have no idea.  I'm still dealing with your lack of communication.  I'm dealing with my grief at the loss of "us."  And I'm trying so hard to understand it all.

Again, I am sorry you are going through this.  But I didn't cause your dire straits.  I contributed, perhaps, to your level of frustration by my relentless hounding of you while I was trying desperately to find some understanding, answer, resolution, closure...anything, really, to what was happening to us.  Maybe someday you will be able to step outside of your troubles and see that I was not your enemy.  I just wanted to understand. 

Communication is key.  It's critical.  With one single, simple phone call, I could have been your greatest support system and the least of your problems.

I MISSED YOU

I'm trying so hard to not be angry - but the fact is, I am.  Yes, I know you are numb to the entire world and don't feel anything...good for you.  But not, really.  It's kind of sad.  We talked about that 2 1/2 years ago.  How it's sad.  I can't seem to find that NUMB button on me...I'd turn it on in a hot second if I could.  But I still believe in love and all that crap.  I really do.  It's what I want so I am trying to heal and learn from this.  Not sure what I can learn though.  I've no idea what happened - hard to find the lesson in that. 

So here I am all permanently puffy-faced and teary-eyed and broken-hearted trying to stop the raging shitstorm in my head.  Is this what happens when you love someone?  I was not clingy or jealous (maybe once or twice).  Not demanding (or overly so).  Typically patient and supportive (typically).  Not looking for someone to pay my way through life.   Just someone to share it with me.  I was honest and clear with my desires.  No hidden agenda.  I'm gainfully employed, not bad looking, in pretty good shape.  Sometimes funny, fairly intelligent.  Can hold a conversation with some knowledge of what's currently going on in the world.  And have an opinion on it.  Have no giant hangups about sex.   I'm thoughtful and kind.  And I can cook.   Seriously...WTH?   I think I just wrote my singles ad.

I missed you.  You moved away and I missed you.  I had a brief moment of insecurity.  And I expressed it.  Exposed it.  And then the world as we know it went to shit.   You were so cold to me the last time we spoke.  "No initiative," you said, when I asked why you didn't call me back.  It was not a normal message for me to have left you.  A show of concern would have been more appropriate than the disdain and utter disgust you showed.  I missed you.  That was all. I was having a hard time with you being so far away.  Let's put it behind us and move forward.  Except that never actually happens.  It never gets put behind us.   It never gets forgotten.  It just grows. 

I'd rather address these seemingly little issues.  Figure out the why's and the what's and the let's see how we can fix it so it doesn't happen again.  So they don't grow.  And come back to destroy us.  Because they always do.  The little things.

I missed you.

DECENCY

A decent person does not treat another person poorly.  Nor does a decent person turn his back on a person in need.  And a decent person does not break up with you without letting you know about it.  Period.  End of story.

VENUS STATIONARY DIRECT

You know what today is, right?  Today is the last day of this current cycle of phase 3 of Venus in retrograde.  And you know what that means, right?  Yeah, neither do I.

So I Googled it and found this on the "Darkstar Astrology" website.  Of course I only copied and pasted the stuff I want to apply to me (and some random stuff I can't pronounce and don't understand).  But it might make me look smart.

I love where it says that the negative aspects of our relationships and own weaknesses in how we love has peaked.  No shit.  Like 73 times already since the end of April.  I'm flippin' worn out.  And my face is on permanent puff from all the lame ass crying I've been doing.  It's a miracle I can see out of my eyes.  (Little brother, do not say a word!)  

I'll let you know how this story ends...read the last sentence below in the first paragraph below.  Hard to imagine any evolution when the other half of the relationship has, for all intents and purposes, fallen off the face of the earth.  My earth anyway.

All I'm really hoping for is the opening up of communication channels, as suggested in the second paragraph.  And the affectionate sharing of thoughts.  See, I foolishly continue to hold out hope.  'Tard.

On June 27, Venus stations direct at 7°29′ Gemini on the fixed star Hyadum II, the same spot the journey started. Back then, Venus was conjunct the South Node and square Chiron. Now the only tight aspect is Venus quincunx Pluto. So we could say the pain at confronting the negative aspects of our relationships, and our own weaknesses in how we love has now peaked. This final phase is about adjusting to a new dynamic in relationships, the give and take, and then settling at a new power sharing arrangement. Venus is love, Pluto is transformation, the quincunx is an aspect of karmic readjustment. Our relationships and how we love each other and ourselves is evolving.

 

From July 2 to 16, Mercury sextile Venus again opens up the communication channels in our relationships. We had this aspect back in early May before Venus had turned retrograde. Now, in the final direct phase, it gives a much longer than usual time for affectionate sharing of thoughts, and for the resolving of the tension which has been ongoing for some time now. This will likely climax around July 5 with Venus at 8 degrees Gemini sextile Uranus.

The 28-Day Curse

Major emotional set back this weekend.  But guess what?  Oh, yeah...you're way ahead of  me.  I started my fucking period!  I started getting weirdly emotional on Thursday.  Couldn't figure out why.  I'd actually been holding up pretty well.  YES - I still miss the hell outta him.  Geez...it's only been a few weeks since his last email (the no-show let down one).  And, recall if you will, that I'm still holding on AND I'm a 'tard.  But still...I was actually really looking forward to seeing him.  I love him, okay?  Give me a break!  Was hoping maybe something would be cleared up.  Like maybe he'd have an epiphany and realize he loved me too.  Bahahahaaa!  But I digress...

Anyway, Thursday, I ended up going to Happy Hour with a good friend of mine.  She's very understanding...also a Leo.  We compare notes.   And we laugh.  So the night went by quickly and I was doing okay.  Went home and got a decent night's sleep.

Friday fucking sucked!  Anger at no response/resolution started kicking in.  Big time!  Confusion surrounded me.  Who to turn to?   Well, the person responsible for the pain and confusion, of course.  More emails and voicemails.  Now, I'm sure he doesn't listen to them or read them.  But still...I should not be sending them.  He doesn't care.  I have no control.  Seriously!  It's like I'm helpess. 

So, my period actually started on Saturday.  Wonderful.  There's been no stopping the emotional rollercoaster since then.  Wheeeeee...what a fun ride.  There's also been no stopping the voicemails or emails either.  God knows he will never answer his phone if he sees it's my number, meaning I will continue to call.  I leave ultra-pathetic messages and then I listen to them and then I erase them and start all over.  I do that about 7 times until I think it sounds just right.  Then I hit the dreaded send button.  And then I kick myself because I remember something really clever.  So I call back and do it again.  And then I kick myself for even doing it at all in the first place!  'Tard. 

Guess he's mad at a voicemail I may have left a couple of weeks back.  When I may have raised my voice.  And may have used a tone.  May have yelled into the phone something along the lines of, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!?!?"  Oh well, he'll get over it!  He's a grown man.  And he's dealing with a grown woman.  These things happen.  His overblown ego can't deal with that though.  I can hear him in his King Phillip voice..."Who does she think she is speaking to me that way?  Unacceptable, indeed."

So, I'm currently deciding if I really do need therapy or if I just need to let this cycle pass?  And if I let this cycle pass and I go all batshit psycho again in about 28 days?  Yep, therapy.

The thing is, I totally know he has no interest.  But the mere fact that he won't provide me with closure is enough to send me over the edge.  It's just enough to make me hold out hope.  Who doesn't see the simple answer there is to PROVIDE RESOLUTION!!!  Seriously, he acts like a fucking 15 year old boy by NOT providing a simple answer, and then I act like a 15 year old girl and get all stupid.  Really?  I need meds.

Someday I'll tell you about all the red flags.  You'll laugh at just how amazingly fucking stupid I really am.  
   

MYSTIC CRYSTAL REVELATIONS

Well, duh!  No wonder my relationship is sucking so badly.  Venus is in retrograde.  Of course.  I mean, who knew?  Certainly not me.  A sweet friend of mine suggested this was the reason that things are not going smoothly right now and to just let things ride for a bit until the phase ends.  Uh, sure.  Why not?  

Great.  I've already pretty much told him (via emails - remember...he won't have a grown-up, real person conversation with me) that I am through!         

This phase of the planetary movement (or whatever it is) will be ending on June 27th.  Yes, soon harmony, understanding, sympathy and trust will abound.  Peace will guide the planets, love will steer the stars.  Blah, blah, blah.  (Okay...yes.  I Googled it.)

Apparently, this is an extra special Venus in retrograde period (which started on May 15th and ends June 27th).  There was the solar eclipse on May 20th and the Transit of Venus on June 5th, both occurring smack dab in the middle of this Venus in retrograde period.  I saw both with my special eyes, in case you were curious. 

So stand by for the dawning of the Age of Aquarius...or the reawakening of the Cancer I've been dealing with. 



(Note:  Some lyrics and the title of this post were "borrowed" from the 5th Dimension's "Age of Aquarius" and slightly changed - I like to give credit where it's due so I don't get in trouble.)

LET HIM GO!

Wish I'd seen this BEFORE I made a huge jackass out of myself...LOL!!! 

DEFINITION OF CRAZY

So, I still haven't spoken to my "boyfriend" - term used super loosely because at this point I am soooo over it all and really consider him more a stranger than anyone I ever knew.  Guess I should say he hasn't spoken to me. 

I got an email...yes, an email...from him last weekend saying he'd be in town and we'd get together on that coming Friday.  He said he didn't know what the future held for us and he didn't know where we'd meet yet but "we'd" figure it out.  Hmmm, today is Monday.  Friday was a few days ago.  Still haven't heard a word from him.  There is no "we" in any of this.  Crazy thoughtless selfish cowardly bastard.

I finally called him and left a message (he refuses to actually answer my calls) and told him to not contact me via email ever again.  They are meaningless.  Also told him that unless he could muster the courage and decency to speak with me in person to apologize/explain this fucked up nightmare he created, then to not bother ever speaking with me again.  This simply means we will never speak again. 

I only wanted closure so I could move forward.  After nearly 5 years together, that is not an unreasonable request.  I have finally realized that, while closure/resolution would be nice, it is certainly not necessary.   

I read some of the old emails I sent him a few years ago.  Same shit, different day.  Time to change it up and stop the crazy, vicious cycle.   At a great emotional cost to me, I tried to continue fighting a losing battle.  Hey, wake up!  The war is finally over!! 

WHAT DOESN'T KILL YA...

I made it to St. George, Utah super fast!  I left at 7AM and I got here by 12:30 or so.  Very light traffic - couldn't have been any easier.  Checked into my room, layed out by the pool for a while, and now I need to get some food and take a nap.  I'm beat - emotionally and physically.  Yep - I'll harp on this situation a bit - I have absolutely NO understanding of what happened.  None.  I wish I could have gotten some closure but I suppose he got his and that's all that matters...to him.  

So, I guess I must be getting stronger - this jacked up "non-ending" to a 4+ year relationship hasn't killed me.  It just broke my heart. 

GUESSWORK & GAMES

I seriously hate when people say "vacay" (random thought) - but I'm not much in the mood to really care right now.  I'm going on one.  A solo vacay. 

Dipshit hasn't called at all.  Not even to say adios.  I did receive a short email with a brief update on his dad.  I sent a follow up email (remember...I'm a 'tard) and got no response.  Shocker.  His dad could be dead for all I know.  I mean, I hope not.  But the surgery was serious and I guess there were complications but I'm dealing with someone who has horrendous communication skills.  I should say I "was" dealing with him.  I just can't do it anymore.  The little snippets of hope he tosses out there are no longer big enough for even me to latch on to.  Yes, of course I hope his dad is recovering and doing well.  Yes, I get that is important.  Yes, I get it. 

I have most of my vacation planned out.  Rooms are reserved.  Even some tours are booked - and I don't even really like tours all that much.  But it's something to do that will keep me from sitting in a hotel room, hundreds of miles from home, and being more pathetic than I'm being now.  If that's even possible. 

I may be a very sensitive person (Mom says I always have been).  And I may be very emotional (hard for me to hide how I'm feeling).  I don't fall in love easily, but when I do I usually fall hard.  But I am NOT a weak person.  I am not dishonest.  And I try not to hurt those I care about.  And if I think something is worth fighting for, I will fight to the end.  I also (eventually) realize when I'm fighting a losing battle.  I may end up with the battle scars while my "foe" may be unscathed.  That's okay.  I know I was honest and true to myself and to them, and I won't apologize for that.  I also would not leave someone I care about in a painful limbo situation.  I believe very much in resolving issues and moving forward - even if it's painful for one or both parties.  Dragging it out is far more painful.  And why?  What's the point of avoiding it?  Really?  Deal with it and move on for Christ's sake!  I've been given nothing to really deal with but more assumptions.  Fuck assumptions.  I'm done with the guesswork and games.  Time for me to take the reins and steer my life in a more positive direction.  Away from Dipshit.

I am not weak.  I will survive.  

WHAT WAS THE POINT?

So I get an email from him on Friday morning saying he's en route and will be in the area around noonish on Saturday and will call me sometime over the weekend. 

Okay, here we go again. 

He doesn't know how long he'll be down here - his dad's post-op rehab (the purpose for the visit) may be difficult so he may be here a while.  He hopes I'm doing well and then he signs it how we always signed our emails to each other..."Me."

The email is, per usual, vague and non-committal.  No answers, no resolution, no comment regarding the "vacation" or if we are even together.  In other words, I still have no idea what the hell is going on!  None.

Oh, and it's now Monday afternoon and I've gotten no phone call.  Shocking.

And so I ask you...what the hell was the point?         

'TARD I AM

I am so anxiety ridden right now.  I feel like I'm going to vomit.  WHY AM I SUCH A FREAKING SPAZ????

Crap!  I bring this sh*t on myself.  Should have walked years ago...and then months ago...and now I'm going to be so heartbroken because I am so invested now.  What an emotional 'tard I am.

And all I wanted was a normal relationship - but I don't know what that is!!  And I love this guy - but can't be with him if he's going to stay up north.  Can't go through 6 more months of that.  Or three more months.  On that I'm firm.   And I can't be with him if he decides he doesn't want to be with me.  Duh!!  And that would hurt.  No one wants to be rejected.  Seriously. 

So now I'm just waiting...and I hate that.  And I feel like I'm going to to vomit.  Did I mention that?

RAW RAMBLINGS

Along with the agonizing pain and seemingly endless heartache you have caused me with your promises that don't pan out and distance (literal and figurative), I feel so foolish.  I believed in you.  I trusted you.  I put my faith in you.  Again.  I was clear with my expectations.  You knew what I wanted.  I wasn't vague.

I supported your dream.  A dream I was not even a part of.  I was patient and understanding and happy for you.  I did it all with zero commitment from you.  Maybe that was my fault.  Clearly it was.  I did not hound you with phone calls and questions.  I gave you all the freedom you wanted.  I believed in you.  I trusted you.  I put my faith in you.  I feel so foolish.

All I asked of you, before you left, please do not avoid me.  Please. 

I got no thanks, no understanding, no appreciation.  No show of concern when I acted with a bit of seemingly unfounded irrationality. 

I told you I was having a hard time way down here without you, the man I love so much.  I was cracking.  Breaking.  You didn't even notice.  I wanted to be by your side.  The longer you were gone and the less I saw of you, the more I began to wonder why I was down here all alone.  The more I missed you.  If you had wanted me there, I'd be there.  If you missed me, you would have called me.  But that's not how it was.        

I snapped.  Almost completely in two.  This situation would have been difficult for many couples, and most would never have attempted it.  Most women would have walked away at the get-go.  Go ahead - ask your friends what their wives or girlfriends would have done.  I'm not most women.  But I am human.  Just not Super Woman.  I used about all the patience and inner strength I could muster up but still, I snapped.  Remember, I'm only human.  After snapping, I reached out to you...to apologize...to explain...to hear your voice.  You shut down.  Shut me out.  Shut off communication. 

Communication.  A word you hold so dear.

"We don't communicate well."  No, we don't.  You don't share your thoughts or ideas with me.  I find it difficult to guess what you are thinking.  I don't have a crystal ball.  Or even a Magic 8 Ball.  If an issue arises, you say we'll put it behind us and move forward.  You are unable to address it.  You never manage to really put it behind you.  Completely.  The issue never gets resolved.  You bring it up later.  And then you say, "We don't communicate well."  You use that as an excuse to kindly step out of the relationship.  "I'm sorry.  We don't communicate well.  We hold things in until one of us explodes.  This just isn't working."   YOU hold things in.  I attempt to get something out of you, you make yourself competely inaccessible, and then I explode.  Then you decide we don't have the right stuff for a relationship.  That I'm too emotional.  That's it.  End of discussion (before it even gets off the ground).  No communication.  And you walk away.  But couples have issues.  All couples.  They need to be addressed...through communication.  Open communication.  Listening and speaking.  Not avoiding.  Not by walking away.  Not if there is love.     

Where I am expressive and overflowing with emotion, you are stoic and composed.  When I hurt, I blurt it out.  When you hurt, you don't show it.  You won't share any of your inner workings with me.  But that's what we're here for.  To help each other through the hurts.  Not just for the happy times.

Your wall is so thick.  I promised you I would do my best to break through it.  Hard to do when you are many states away and keep deflecting, avoiding, ignoring my attempts.   Or are completely unaware of them.  But I never gave up.  You know me.  I'm not a quitter.  If anything, I'm a fixer. 

You have an incredible ability to supress your feelings, while I just vomit mine all over the place.  Sometimes I wish I was more like you in that regard.  But sometimes I wish you were a little more like me.  Just a little.

You're also a very proud man.  One of your many traits that I admire.  But sometimes you let your pride get in the way of every day life.  You took my foolish bit of insecurity, left for you in a short voice mail, as an attack on your integrity.  How?  How did that happen?  I don't understand that at all.  And you won't help me to understand.  You got angry and then, lo and behold, like clockwork, here comes the big "avoid."  You didn't put anything behind us - you didn't even give me an opportunity to "communicate" my feelings to you.  You didn't care enough about my feelings to listen to what was going on wtih me.  To find out what my needs were. 

You have an M.O.  Your big "avoid" is the precursor to the big "break-up."  The big "break-up" is based on our "poor communication."  I sensed the big "avoid" because, well, because it's impossible to miss.  Silence.  Sadly, because I so fear the big "break-up," my emotions take over.  Yes, and you fear my emotions so much that this causes you to further avoid.  Vicious cycle with no resolution.  What the hell happened to "communication"?

I've held on.  I would've held on forever.  I thought you were my forever.  But I am not a part of your bigger picture.  You haven't spoken to me in over a week.  You haven't spoken to me when all I needed from you was a simple "I love you."  You've no idea the calming effect that has on me.  Instead, while I was cracking, breaking, doing my damnedest to stay strong and put together, and failing miserably, you email me...email me...that we'll talk when it's convenient for you.  Not when I really needed it.  Message received loud and clear.

I know what's coming and I fear it.  It makes me very sad.  In fact, it breaks my heart.  I thought our love for each other was stronger than that.  Even now, I love you with all my heart - as broken as it is.  But I can't stop the inevitable.  I know you well enough now to know what's coming.  And it's too painful for me to deal with...because it is not what I want.  It's so far from what I want.  So it's my turn.

I have to "avoid" it. 
  

WHY AVOIDANCE?

Just a fleeting thought that is nagging at me right now...why do people avoid things.  I would never in a million years turn my back on, ignore or avoid someone I cared about in their time of need.  If I know someone I care about is in pain and they need me, I'm there for them.  Period!  If it's a rocky relationship, they may not exactly like what I have to say - but I would never just leave them answerless.  I'm having a helluva time understanding how this man can so easily ignore and avoid me, someone he said he loved and cared about.  Yeah, I know I need to move on.  Thank God for blogging.  It's sort of like sending that email but not.  It's safe.  It gets the feelings and thoughts out of my head yet I am not getting weak and begging someone for an answer I'll never get.  Trying to hang on to some of that dignity I've lost over the past 4+ years.  This is just the start of it all.  The healing process is long and painful in itself.  Weird, isn't it?  That healing hurts.  I guess I have to get it all out in the open in order for it to be addressed and, in a sense, dress the wound.  I'll never understand any of this.  The behavior is really very foreign to me.

Avoidance is not a solution.  It leaves things hanging to be handled later, when time has worked to make the situation fester and become larger than it was.  It creates barriers, walls.  People who once cared for each other become strangers.  Hearts ache until they finally break.  Avoidance doesn't mend anything or resolve issues.  It's cowardly.  If you've created a situation that has become ugly or painful because of your actions, then you do have some moral sense of obligation to right it, in the best way you can.  To the best of your ability.  That certainly doesn't mean that everything will become rosy again. It just means that you try to fix what you have broken.  Mend it.  Try to leave it as whole as you found it.  Relationships sometimes end.  Too often, maybe.  But if both parties have been open and honest, then no one really gets blindsided.  There are fewer surprises.  Fewer hurts.  Avoidance is cowardly.

I didn't handle this ending well.  I yelled and screamed and cursed and called names.  I can't take them back.  I did it out of pain.  It was a reaction to being caught completely unaware.  There are no more sorrys.  What's done is done and I need to move forward.  At least he knows how I feel.  I didn't avoid him.  I have NO idea what's going on with him.  I have to stop thinking about it.  It will stop hurting one day.