Okay, this is a serious question. No, seriously. It is. What the hell is a fucking SHARE TOY? Bueller? Bueller? Anyone?
Yeah, see? You have no idea, do you? No, you don't. It's not in Webster's Dictionary. It's not in the Urban Dictionary. It's not even part of anyone's flippin' vocabulary! Except his. It was bad enough when he said it in conversations with me. But it was bloody embarrassing when he used that term in public. Made me cringe! Oh God, I was fearful he'd say it in front of my father. But since he rarely spent time with my family, there was little-to-no chance that my dad would ever hear that inane meaningless utterance come from a grown man's mouth. Share toy. Really. Sounds obscene.
Say it to yourself right now. Go ahead, say it. Share toy. No one's listening. Share toy. Share toy. Share toy. Just say it out loud and ask yourself, "What image does that conjure?" Well, I'll tell ya, it has nothing to do with some rubbery plastic device you might see in a porn movie (if you were to watch them...hey, I'm not judging). It sounds like it could be. Maybe. I guess. But it's not.
I've come to learn what he means by that expression. I'll try to explain. Say we're in a restaurant ("we're in a restaurant") and we order appetizers that we are going to split. Yep...share toy. Or a delicious dessert that is just too big for one of us after a big meal. You got it. Share toy. God, how ridiculous and retarded. And just plain stupid and wrong.
Share toy.
He almost ruined a trip to Kauai for me by using that term while engaged in conversation with a couple we did not know but accidentally bumped into as they were coming out of a restaurant that we were going in to. He asked them about the menu. They told us that the food was good and all served tapas-style. Yes, little appetizers. Uh oh, you already see where this is headed, don't you? Down that dangerous road called 'humiliation.' God, I prayed for him not to say it. I prayed and begged in silence. But...wait for it...wait for it..."Oh, share toys." He said it like it was the most natural response in the world. Oh, horror of horrors! I almost died on the spot. The couple just looked at him with blank expressions. I could almost hear the man thinking, "What the fuck did he just say?" They had NO idea what the hell he was talking about. And they turned and walked away without another word. Well, really, what could they have said to that? Really. Share toys?
I always figured maybe he got the term from some stupid little blonde cute-as-a-button girlfriend that may have said it to him in a little squeeky Mini-Mouse'ish voice. "Ooooh, look..a share toy...heeheehee." And she was probably just so damned hot that it didn't matter what blather she spewed, he would take it and accept it as real. Because he has a penis.
A man might accept a woman saying it...because of said dick...but no man in the history of the world would ever actually repeat it. Out loud. To another human being. No. Never! NEVER!!!
I don't make this shit up.
You're still here? It's over. Go home. Go.
Showing posts with label share toy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label share toy. Show all posts
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012
BREATHE...IT'S OVER
Here's the latest drama regarding the saga of "me" and "him." IT'S OVER!!! FINALLY!
I know that may sound funny now, after all this time. But the truth is these past three months have been helacious! Do I love the asshole? Sadly, I still do. But I imagine that will fade rather quickly this time around.
Out of the blue, about two weeks ago, I got two emails from him. They were sent at the beginning of my work week so I chose to NOT read them until the work week was done, in the event I got...that's right...let's all say it together...EMOTIONAL.
Well, having NOT read the emails, I was unaware and unprepared for the first phone call I had received from him in 2 1/2 months. My walls were waaaaay up high and very thick. I was less than warm and fuzzy. I was cautious and slightly cold. I had NO idea why he was calling me. I now have an idea, but I didn't have a clue at that time.
He asked how the weather was (so I knew he was back up north). He wished me a BELATED birthday. My birthday is in a few days. In fact, it is 11 days after his. That faux pas did not set well with me. This would have been our 5th birthday celebration together. I know. It's very difficult to remember something like that, and I should be kinder, gentler, and more forgiving. Ummm, yeah...NO!
He asked how I was doing. I said I was okay. I was still angry and in a decent amount of emotional pain. I told him he managed to bring out the ugly in me. He did say he had noticed that. Things were somewhat cordial at this point. But turning quickly. He got a bit pissy.
Then he asked me if he should not have called me. Hell, I don't even know why he was calling - but I told him he should have called me when he said he was going to. He immediately got defensive and said that would have been difficult since he had been so sick. What? What the hell was he talking about? I had no idea until later.
Oh, it went even more downhill from there, if possible.
He then (wrongly) assumed that I wanted us to go our separate ways. I responded with, "I thought you went your separate way back in November." Yeah, I wasn't really being easy on him. He didn't like that much. Oh well, it was how I felt. And after the crap he's put me through these past several months, I had every right to be bitchy. In fact, he should have expected nothing less.
With an attitude he had developed rather quickly, he said, "I'm sorry I called." I simply said, "I'm sure you are." I'm pretty sure he was thinking I was going to relent and backtrack and apologize and become softer. Nope...I just hung up. I get stubborn just like he does at times. Should I have hung up on him? Probably not. But I wasn't going to beg him to stay on the phone either. Should he have maybe been more direct and actually TOLD me the purpose of the call? Yes. Don't call me after a few months of not even bothering to answer any of my calls and expect ME to guide the conversation. Don't test the waters. Use that spine and tell me what you called for. Yeah, no such luck.
So...I opened the emails. He missed me. He hadn't given up on us. He was finally coming out of his "cave." Well, maybe I wish I'd have read those first. Our conversation may have gone differently. I'll never know.
I feel kind of bad. But only kind of. The second email stated that he was sorry he wasn't calling that night but he was sick to his stomach and was going to bed. So, he made himself physically ill just thinking about calling me. But still, I only feel kind of bad. Think about it. Calling me was so difficult for him, yet he worked up the courage to do it. Yet he never told me why he was calling. And he's made me feel pretty crappy for quite some time now, so my sympathy for him was not as strong as maybe it could have been. Does any of that make sense? Oh, who cares. It's my story.
I did try to call later to apologize for hanging up. He had already gone back into his cave, I guess. He had already resorted to avoidance. God, he is so flippin' frustrating! I tried a few more times and sent a few emails. I was really getting tired of it all. His immaturity is completely exhausting. And it fuels mine.
So, fast forward two weeks. I get an email from him asking me to not call him anymore. He said I cannot make him love me. Huh? I thought he did love me because that's what he told me. But I certainly was not trying to make him love me. I may have been trying to make him respond to me, but I have no interest in trying to make a man love me. Nor do I have any desire to be with a man who does not love me. And now I know. He does not love me. He wishes he did...it would make life easier (???) but he does not. Sorry.
What the fuck? It was like a short Dr. Seuss story minus the rhyme.
His email has been blocked and his number purged from my phone. I have, in a sense, deleted him from my life. The memories will fade in time. What a total waste of time these past three months have been. Game over.
On the bright sde, I will NEVER have to hear him use the term "share toy" again. Story for another day.
I know that may sound funny now, after all this time. But the truth is these past three months have been helacious! Do I love the asshole? Sadly, I still do. But I imagine that will fade rather quickly this time around.
Out of the blue, about two weeks ago, I got two emails from him. They were sent at the beginning of my work week so I chose to NOT read them until the work week was done, in the event I got...that's right...let's all say it together...EMOTIONAL.
Well, having NOT read the emails, I was unaware and unprepared for the first phone call I had received from him in 2 1/2 months. My walls were waaaaay up high and very thick. I was less than warm and fuzzy. I was cautious and slightly cold. I had NO idea why he was calling me. I now have an idea, but I didn't have a clue at that time.
He asked how the weather was (so I knew he was back up north). He wished me a BELATED birthday. My birthday is in a few days. In fact, it is 11 days after his. That faux pas did not set well with me. This would have been our 5th birthday celebration together. I know. It's very difficult to remember something like that, and I should be kinder, gentler, and more forgiving. Ummm, yeah...NO!
He asked how I was doing. I said I was okay. I was still angry and in a decent amount of emotional pain. I told him he managed to bring out the ugly in me. He did say he had noticed that. Things were somewhat cordial at this point. But turning quickly. He got a bit pissy.
Then he asked me if he should not have called me. Hell, I don't even know why he was calling - but I told him he should have called me when he said he was going to. He immediately got defensive and said that would have been difficult since he had been so sick. What? What the hell was he talking about? I had no idea until later.
Oh, it went even more downhill from there, if possible.
He then (wrongly) assumed that I wanted us to go our separate ways. I responded with, "I thought you went your separate way back in November." Yeah, I wasn't really being easy on him. He didn't like that much. Oh well, it was how I felt. And after the crap he's put me through these past several months, I had every right to be bitchy. In fact, he should have expected nothing less.
With an attitude he had developed rather quickly, he said, "I'm sorry I called." I simply said, "I'm sure you are." I'm pretty sure he was thinking I was going to relent and backtrack and apologize and become softer. Nope...I just hung up. I get stubborn just like he does at times. Should I have hung up on him? Probably not. But I wasn't going to beg him to stay on the phone either. Should he have maybe been more direct and actually TOLD me the purpose of the call? Yes. Don't call me after a few months of not even bothering to answer any of my calls and expect ME to guide the conversation. Don't test the waters. Use that spine and tell me what you called for. Yeah, no such luck.
So...I opened the emails. He missed me. He hadn't given up on us. He was finally coming out of his "cave." Well, maybe I wish I'd have read those first. Our conversation may have gone differently. I'll never know.
I feel kind of bad. But only kind of. The second email stated that he was sorry he wasn't calling that night but he was sick to his stomach and was going to bed. So, he made himself physically ill just thinking about calling me. But still, I only feel kind of bad. Think about it. Calling me was so difficult for him, yet he worked up the courage to do it. Yet he never told me why he was calling. And he's made me feel pretty crappy for quite some time now, so my sympathy for him was not as strong as maybe it could have been. Does any of that make sense? Oh, who cares. It's my story.
I did try to call later to apologize for hanging up. He had already gone back into his cave, I guess. He had already resorted to avoidance. God, he is so flippin' frustrating! I tried a few more times and sent a few emails. I was really getting tired of it all. His immaturity is completely exhausting. And it fuels mine.
So, fast forward two weeks. I get an email from him asking me to not call him anymore. He said I cannot make him love me. Huh? I thought he did love me because that's what he told me. But I certainly was not trying to make him love me. I may have been trying to make him respond to me, but I have no interest in trying to make a man love me. Nor do I have any desire to be with a man who does not love me. And now I know. He does not love me. He wishes he did...it would make life easier (???) but he does not. Sorry.
What the fuck? It was like a short Dr. Seuss story minus the rhyme.
His email has been blocked and his number purged from my phone. I have, in a sense, deleted him from my life. The memories will fade in time. What a total waste of time these past three months have been. Game over.
On the bright sde, I will NEVER have to hear him use the term "share toy" again. Story for another day.
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