BREATHE...IT'S OVER

Here's the latest drama regarding the saga of "me" and "him."  IT'S OVER!!!  FINALLY!

I know that may sound funny now, after all this time.  But the truth is these past three months have been helacious!  Do I love the asshole?  Sadly, I still do.  But I imagine that will fade rather quickly this time around. 

Out of the blue, about two weeks ago, I got two emails from him.  They were sent at the beginning of my work week so I chose to NOT read them until the work week was done, in the event I got...that's right...let's all say it together...EMOTIONAL. 

Well, having NOT read the emails, I was unaware and unprepared for the first phone call I had received from him in 2 1/2 months.  My walls were waaaaay up high and very thick.  I was less than warm and fuzzy.  I was cautious and slightly cold.  I had NO idea why he was calling me.  I now have an idea, but I didn't have a clue at that time.

He asked how the weather was (so I knew he was back up north).  He wished me a BELATED birthday.  My birthday is in a few days.  In fact, it is 11 days after his.  That faux pas did not set well with me.  This would have been our 5th birthday celebration together.  I know.  It's very difficult to remember something like that, and I should be kinder, gentler, and more forgiving.  Ummm, yeah...NO!

He asked how I was doing.  I said I was okay.  I was still angry and in a decent amount of emotional pain.  I told him he managed to bring out the ugly in me.  He did say he had noticed that.  Things were somewhat cordial at this point.  But turning quickly.  He got a bit pissy.

Then he asked me if he should not have called me.  Hell, I don't even know why he was calling - but I told him he should have called me when he said he was going to.  He immediately got defensive and said that would have been difficult since he had been so sick.  What?  What the hell was he talking about?  I had no idea until later.

Oh, it went even more downhill from there, if possible. 

He then (wrongly) assumed that I wanted us to go our separate ways.  I responded with, "I thought you went your separate way back in November."   Yeah, I wasn't really being easy on him.  He didn't like that much.  Oh well, it was how I felt.   And after the crap he's put me through these past several months, I had every right to be bitchy.  In fact, he should have expected nothing less.

With an attitude he had developed rather quickly, he said, "I'm sorry I called."  I simply said, "I'm sure you are."  I'm pretty sure he was thinking I was going to relent and backtrack and apologize and become softer.  Nope...I just hung up.  I get stubborn just like he does at times.  Should I have hung up on him?  Probably not.  But I wasn't going to beg him to stay on the phone either.  Should he have maybe been more direct and actually TOLD me the purpose of the call?  Yes.  Don't call me after a few months of not even bothering to answer any of my calls and expect ME to guide the conversation.  Don't test the waters.  Use that spine and tell me what you called for.  Yeah, no such luck.

So...I opened the emails.  He missed me.  He hadn't given up on us.  He was finally coming out of his "cave."  Well, maybe I wish I'd have read those first.  Our conversation may have gone differently.  I'll never know. 

I feel kind of bad.  But only kind of.  The second email stated that he was sorry he wasn't calling that night but he was sick to his stomach and was going to bed.  So, he made himself physically ill just thinking about calling me.  But still, I only feel kind of bad.  Think about it.  Calling me was so difficult for him, yet he worked up the courage to do it.  Yet he never told me why he was calling.  And he's made me feel pretty crappy for quite some time now, so my sympathy for him was not as strong as maybe it could have been.  Does any of that make sense?  Oh, who cares.  It's my story.

I did try to call later to apologize for hanging up.  He had already gone back into his cave, I guess.  He had already resorted to avoidance.  God, he is so flippin' frustrating!  I tried a few more times and sent a few emails.  I was really getting tired of it all.   His immaturity is completely exhausting.  And it fuels mine.

So, fast forward two weeks.  I get an email from him asking me to not call him anymore.  He said I cannot make him love me.  Huh?  I thought he did love me because that's what he told me.  But I certainly was not trying to make him love me.  I may have been trying to make him respond to me, but I have no interest in trying to make a man love me.  Nor do I have any desire to be with a man who does not love me.  And now I know.  He does not love me.  He wishes he did...it would make life easier (???) but he does not.  Sorry.

What the fuck?  It was like a short Dr. Seuss story minus the rhyme.

His email has been blocked and his number purged from my phone.  I have, in a sense, deleted him from my life.  The memories will fade in time.  What a total waste of time these past three months have been.  Game over.

On the bright sde, I will NEVER have to hear him use the term "share toy" again.  Story for another day.

RUN, FORREST, RUN

Great - now I'm having dreams about this guy.  I'm trying to get him to sit down and talk to me but he keeps coming up with excuses to AVOID the "talk."  Even in the dreams!  It's awful.  A simple adult conversation would have resolved all of this.  Maybe the dreams are a way of getting it out of my system.

I will never understand a grown man who is unable and/or unwilling to address the situation he has created.   Even if he has to stand there and take what he deserves.  Deal with it.

That's right, big man, run away.

DIRE STRAITS

Well, your house was re-listed for rent yesterday.  Yes, I checked.  No rental income for April, May, June, July, and possibly August, depending on how quickly it rents.  That's a loss of somewhere between $15,000.00 - $20,000.00.  With the potential for that to go higher if you don't get renters in there fast.  The agonizing wait begins.

You had to pay an attorney to get the grifters out.  You have a property manager to pay.  You have a listing agent to pay.  You've had to pay for repairs to your home.  You still have to pay your mortage on that house and your rent in Jackson Hole.  You have a storage unit with all your belongings in it out in Banning that you have to pay for or risk losing your things.  You have property taxes to pay.  Not to mention your daily living expenses and two dogs to feed.

You said you depleted your savings prior to moving to Jackson Hole.

Your timeshare payment is coming due.   

You have a business with slow paying clients.  If they are even paying at all.  You have materials to buy in order to get the jobs done.  You have to pay the folks you contracted to do the work.  You have to pay your quarterly taxes.  You can't meet these obligations if you have no income from your clients.  It's probably not the best time, in this crappy economy, to drum up new clients.

You have two large dogs that can't stay at home and take care of themselves, so you have to travel to and from Jackson Hole via your automobile to check on things down here (home, family, business).  That can get expensive, factoring in gas, food and lodging for each trip.  And it's wear and tear on the car, which already has its share of miles on it.

Your father recently had a heart attack followed by heart valve surgery that nearly took his life.  You've had to spend time down here in California staying at your mom's during that difficult period.  That didn't help anything.  She was, in your words, a nightmare.  But at least now you have a better understanding of why.

Your girlfriend has been a raging lunatic brought on by lack of communication from you.  She inundated you with voicemails and emails while she was overcome with confusion and heartache and no real understanding of your avoidance of her.  She hit every emotion imaginable, from sadness to anger to compassion to sheer panic.  All the highs and lows and everything in between.  It has taken her nearly two months to be able to step outside of her own grief and figure out, on her own, the dire straits you are probably really in.  Because you never communicated to her what was happening or what you needed, even if it was space. 

The damage is done.  And still I hope it's not too late.  While suspecting that it is.

I hope someday you can understand that I was unaware of the possible devastating effects this has all had on you.  You did not confide in me the severity of your situation.  A short, vague email which did not convey much information at all was what I received.  How was I supposed to understand?  How was I supposed to provide you with support?  I'm guessing that at this point you are in the struggle of your lifetime trying to stay afloat financially.  And that is where your focus has been, is now, and will be for a while.  Survival. 

I am sorry that you are going through all of this.  I would never wish this on anyone.  It's a lot to handle each of these issues individually, and overwhelming, to say the least, to get hit with all of them at one time.  It would be enough to drive even the strongest of individuals to a breaking point.  You admittedly, historically, can handle only one issue at a time.  No wonder you have not wanted to deal with a relationship.  I do understand that, even though I'm still guessing at this situation, for the most part, as you've still not spoken with me.  And even though I would have done anything in the world to help you through it all.

I realize that you probably can't just move back in to your beautiful home at this point either, even if you wanted to.  You have no steady income from which to pay your mortgage and other financial obligations.  You need that rental income now to provide you with the income necessary to keep your head above water until somehow things turn around. 

Maybe you'll stay up there forever.  Maybe you'll rent or buy a place in the desert.  Maybe someday you'll come back.  I have no idea.  I'm still dealing with your lack of communication.  I'm dealing with my grief at the loss of "us."  And I'm trying so hard to understand it all.

Again, I am sorry you are going through this.  But I didn't cause your dire straits.  I contributed, perhaps, to your level of frustration by my relentless hounding of you while I was trying desperately to find some understanding, answer, resolution, closure...anything, really, to what was happening to us.  Maybe someday you will be able to step outside of your troubles and see that I was not your enemy.  I just wanted to understand. 

Communication is key.  It's critical.  With one single, simple phone call, I could have been your greatest support system and the least of your problems.

WHAT WAS THE POINT?

So I get an email from him on Friday morning saying he's en route and will be in the area around noonish on Saturday and will call me sometime over the weekend. 

Okay, here we go again. 

He doesn't know how long he'll be down here - his dad's post-op rehab (the purpose for the visit) may be difficult so he may be here a while.  He hopes I'm doing well and then he signs it how we always signed our emails to each other..."Me."

The email is, per usual, vague and non-committal.  No answers, no resolution, no comment regarding the "vacation" or if we are even together.  In other words, I still have no idea what the hell is going on!  None.

Oh, and it's now Monday afternoon and I've gotten no phone call.  Shocking.

And so I ask you...what the hell was the point?         

RAW RAMBLINGS

Along with the agonizing pain and seemingly endless heartache you have caused me with your promises that don't pan out and distance (literal and figurative), I feel so foolish.  I believed in you.  I trusted you.  I put my faith in you.  Again.  I was clear with my expectations.  You knew what I wanted.  I wasn't vague.

I supported your dream.  A dream I was not even a part of.  I was patient and understanding and happy for you.  I did it all with zero commitment from you.  Maybe that was my fault.  Clearly it was.  I did not hound you with phone calls and questions.  I gave you all the freedom you wanted.  I believed in you.  I trusted you.  I put my faith in you.  I feel so foolish.

All I asked of you, before you left, please do not avoid me.  Please. 

I got no thanks, no understanding, no appreciation.  No show of concern when I acted with a bit of seemingly unfounded irrationality. 

I told you I was having a hard time way down here without you, the man I love so much.  I was cracking.  Breaking.  You didn't even notice.  I wanted to be by your side.  The longer you were gone and the less I saw of you, the more I began to wonder why I was down here all alone.  The more I missed you.  If you had wanted me there, I'd be there.  If you missed me, you would have called me.  But that's not how it was.        

I snapped.  Almost completely in two.  This situation would have been difficult for many couples, and most would never have attempted it.  Most women would have walked away at the get-go.  Go ahead - ask your friends what their wives or girlfriends would have done.  I'm not most women.  But I am human.  Just not Super Woman.  I used about all the patience and inner strength I could muster up but still, I snapped.  Remember, I'm only human.  After snapping, I reached out to you...to apologize...to explain...to hear your voice.  You shut down.  Shut me out.  Shut off communication. 

Communication.  A word you hold so dear.

"We don't communicate well."  No, we don't.  You don't share your thoughts or ideas with me.  I find it difficult to guess what you are thinking.  I don't have a crystal ball.  Or even a Magic 8 Ball.  If an issue arises, you say we'll put it behind us and move forward.  You are unable to address it.  You never manage to really put it behind you.  Completely.  The issue never gets resolved.  You bring it up later.  And then you say, "We don't communicate well."  You use that as an excuse to kindly step out of the relationship.  "I'm sorry.  We don't communicate well.  We hold things in until one of us explodes.  This just isn't working."   YOU hold things in.  I attempt to get something out of you, you make yourself competely inaccessible, and then I explode.  Then you decide we don't have the right stuff for a relationship.  That I'm too emotional.  That's it.  End of discussion (before it even gets off the ground).  No communication.  And you walk away.  But couples have issues.  All couples.  They need to be addressed...through communication.  Open communication.  Listening and speaking.  Not avoiding.  Not by walking away.  Not if there is love.     

Where I am expressive and overflowing with emotion, you are stoic and composed.  When I hurt, I blurt it out.  When you hurt, you don't show it.  You won't share any of your inner workings with me.  But that's what we're here for.  To help each other through the hurts.  Not just for the happy times.

Your wall is so thick.  I promised you I would do my best to break through it.  Hard to do when you are many states away and keep deflecting, avoiding, ignoring my attempts.   Or are completely unaware of them.  But I never gave up.  You know me.  I'm not a quitter.  If anything, I'm a fixer. 

You have an incredible ability to supress your feelings, while I just vomit mine all over the place.  Sometimes I wish I was more like you in that regard.  But sometimes I wish you were a little more like me.  Just a little.

You're also a very proud man.  One of your many traits that I admire.  But sometimes you let your pride get in the way of every day life.  You took my foolish bit of insecurity, left for you in a short voice mail, as an attack on your integrity.  How?  How did that happen?  I don't understand that at all.  And you won't help me to understand.  You got angry and then, lo and behold, like clockwork, here comes the big "avoid."  You didn't put anything behind us - you didn't even give me an opportunity to "communicate" my feelings to you.  You didn't care enough about my feelings to listen to what was going on wtih me.  To find out what my needs were. 

You have an M.O.  Your big "avoid" is the precursor to the big "break-up."  The big "break-up" is based on our "poor communication."  I sensed the big "avoid" because, well, because it's impossible to miss.  Silence.  Sadly, because I so fear the big "break-up," my emotions take over.  Yes, and you fear my emotions so much that this causes you to further avoid.  Vicious cycle with no resolution.  What the hell happened to "communication"?

I've held on.  I would've held on forever.  I thought you were my forever.  But I am not a part of your bigger picture.  You haven't spoken to me in over a week.  You haven't spoken to me when all I needed from you was a simple "I love you."  You've no idea the calming effect that has on me.  Instead, while I was cracking, breaking, doing my damnedest to stay strong and put together, and failing miserably, you email me...email me...that we'll talk when it's convenient for you.  Not when I really needed it.  Message received loud and clear.

I know what's coming and I fear it.  It makes me very sad.  In fact, it breaks my heart.  I thought our love for each other was stronger than that.  Even now, I love you with all my heart - as broken as it is.  But I can't stop the inevitable.  I know you well enough now to know what's coming.  And it's too painful for me to deal with...because it is not what I want.  It's so far from what I want.  So it's my turn.

I have to "avoid" it. 
  

WHY AVOIDANCE?

Just a fleeting thought that is nagging at me right now...why do people avoid things.  I would never in a million years turn my back on, ignore or avoid someone I cared about in their time of need.  If I know someone I care about is in pain and they need me, I'm there for them.  Period!  If it's a rocky relationship, they may not exactly like what I have to say - but I would never just leave them answerless.  I'm having a helluva time understanding how this man can so easily ignore and avoid me, someone he said he loved and cared about.  Yeah, I know I need to move on.  Thank God for blogging.  It's sort of like sending that email but not.  It's safe.  It gets the feelings and thoughts out of my head yet I am not getting weak and begging someone for an answer I'll never get.  Trying to hang on to some of that dignity I've lost over the past 4+ years.  This is just the start of it all.  The healing process is long and painful in itself.  Weird, isn't it?  That healing hurts.  I guess I have to get it all out in the open in order for it to be addressed and, in a sense, dress the wound.  I'll never understand any of this.  The behavior is really very foreign to me.

Avoidance is not a solution.  It leaves things hanging to be handled later, when time has worked to make the situation fester and become larger than it was.  It creates barriers, walls.  People who once cared for each other become strangers.  Hearts ache until they finally break.  Avoidance doesn't mend anything or resolve issues.  It's cowardly.  If you've created a situation that has become ugly or painful because of your actions, then you do have some moral sense of obligation to right it, in the best way you can.  To the best of your ability.  That certainly doesn't mean that everything will become rosy again. It just means that you try to fix what you have broken.  Mend it.  Try to leave it as whole as you found it.  Relationships sometimes end.  Too often, maybe.  But if both parties have been open and honest, then no one really gets blindsided.  There are fewer surprises.  Fewer hurts.  Avoidance is cowardly.

I didn't handle this ending well.  I yelled and screamed and cursed and called names.  I can't take them back.  I did it out of pain.  It was a reaction to being caught completely unaware.  There are no more sorrys.  What's done is done and I need to move forward.  At least he knows how I feel.  I didn't avoid him.  I have NO idea what's going on with him.  I have to stop thinking about it.  It will stop hurting one day.                 

A Hiccup in My Strength

I think I am beginning to realize that he really only wants to be with me if I somehow fit into his mold of "perfection."  Don't get me wrong - he knows I'm not perfect, but as long as I don't rock his boat then I'm close enough.  You know, if I go with the flow...his flow.  If I stick with the plan...his plan.  If I'm happy 24/7.  But, if I happen to show signs of emotion or the slightest hint of insecurity, well, all bets are off.

Here's the deal - he moved to another state so he could ski all season (he's self-employed and can work remotely, for the most part).  I've tried the long distance relationship thing before and it failed miserably.  I told him this.  Told him I wasn't really okay with the long distance thing.  I got upset.  Things were just starting to get really good between us.  He'd asked me to move in with him just a matter of weeks before throwing this idea at me.  I took it kind of hard.  I got "emotional."   I wasn't really okay with it but he somehow presented it in such a way that I thought I might be able to handle it.  He couldn't understand my resistance to this.  Told me he wasn't breaking up with me but knew this was something he had to do or he'd regret it forever.  And he could NOT understand why I was getting upset.

Let's break this down, shall we?  He asked me to move in with him.  There's a step in the right direction.  It was never mentioned again.  Two steps back.  He told me he was thinking about moving out of state for the ski season.  Four months maybe.  That turned into six months.  And that quickly turned into a full year in another state because the condo he was going to rent was only going to take him if he signed a one-year lease.  And the home he owns down here and was going to put on the corporate rental market could only be rented out successfully if it was done in one-year increments.  No month-to-month or 6 month leases, apparently.  That's about twelve steps back.

So, he tells me it won't be that bad.  I can visit him whenever I want to, and he'll be down here to visit more often than I think he will be.  Wrong on both counts.  I work.  I can't just take vacations at the drop of a hat. He's been gone six months already.  I've been up to visit once, with another visit planned for 2 weeks from tomorrow.  He's been down 3 times.  Once around Christmastime - he was two hours late because he had to golf with his buddies.  That visit lasted one night.  Two more steps back.  He also came down the week before Valentine's Day.  He called to see if I wanted to spend an early Valentine's Day with him.  Of course I did.  Turns out he was already in town, thought he'd surprise me, and wanted me to meet him that night at his hotel.  For a one night visit.  No dinner.  I told him I couldn't make it but that he did indeed manage to surprise me.  I don't do booty calls.  Eight more giant steps back.

Let's see...that brings us to about twenty-three steps back.  I'm not sure if there will ever be enough steps forward to get back to "even."

Wait, he was down here about 2 1/2 weeks ago.  We did spend a bit of time together before he had to head back home.  Just a little bit of time.  But it was "good" time.  And we started working on my plans to visit him.  Four steps forward, bringing us to about negative nineteen.

But...something happened.  My period was about to start.  This never used to affect my mood or make my body bloat or hurt.  Well, I'm getting older.  That flippin' period is becoming more unpredictable, and so are my mood swings.  I got...emotional.  There.  I said it.  I got upset that my boyfriend moved out of state, has been gone for 6 months, and is not very accessible to me anymore.  I called him to talk about my travel plans.  His phone was turned off.  I got the dreaded voice mail.  Normally, this would have been fine.  But my period  was set to start any day and I was...emotional.  Perhaps even a little psychotic.  I left a brief message.  Not a very nice one.  But it could have been worse.  There was no swearing and I didn't call him any names.  I was just feeling a little, oh...I don't know...EMOTIONAL!!!

Seems he didn't like it.  See, I shook things up a little.  He doesn't like that and doesn't know how to handle it.  So he just doesn't.

Bottom line, I'm supposed to leave for another state many hundreds of miles away in about two weeks.  We haven't spoken all week, and I don't know if we will.  He said he'd call a few nights ago and hasn't.  Two more steps back.  Negative twenty-one.  Twenty-one is a good number for some.  But I think that's supposed to be twenty-one on the positive side, right?  What do I know?

He has not taken into account that I'm dealing pretty well, for the most part, with him being very far away.  He hasn't recognized my patience.  I've gotten zero credit for my (somewhat reluctant) support for his selfish pursuit of a dream that does not even include me.  Many guys I've talked to said their girlfriends wouldn't be thrilled if they went away for a week, much less a year.  Most guys said their girlfriends would have left them if they did this.  All I left was a pathetic voice mail because I was having a moment of doubt brought on by my menstrual cycle.  It was a brief moment.  A hiccup in my strength.  It was followed by a short apology/explanation the following day via email.  Yes, impersonal, but his phone was still off.  Better than nothing, I thought.  I did get ahold of him Monday morning.  We had a brief conversation and he said, "Let's put it behind us and I'll call you tonight."  But he didn't call.  And I'm supposed to go up there in 2 weeks?  Hmmm, I might want to rethink that.

Some might think he's seeing someone else.  I don't.  My mom does.  She thinks he's a player.  Sounds funny to hear her say it.  She might be right.  She's outside looking in.  I'm too close to see things clearly. 

Is he looking for a way out of the relationship but doesn't want to deal with confrontation, and this minor outburst of mine gave him the perfect out?  Maybe. If so, that's totally lame.  He is a master "avoider" though.  Will he call this weekend?  He might.  If he does and he still wants me to visit, will I go?  I really don't know at this point and wouldn't bet on it.  Just the fact that I'm "guessing" at where our relationship stands should give me some indication of the right answer.  As much as I can't make him love me, he can't make me perfect.

That's right - I'm not perfect.  And I'm good with that.  I am, however, perfectly normal...perfectly human.  I will very likely have more "emotional" episodes.  My best guess at this point is that those will happen, to some degree or another, approximately every thirty days...I'm also a woman.

I'm not twenty-one any more either.  I want to be in a grown-up relationship.  With a grown up man.