CHOICES

So, I'm thinking I'm going to try to turn over a new leaf.  Swear a little less, laugh a little more.  Focus more on the good people in my life.  My family and friends are the best.  Not focus so much on the King of Douchetown.

It's been three months since I went on my last road trip so I'm planning another getaway.  Choices, choices. 

Somewhere along the coast where it's a little cool and maybe even drizzly?  Curl up near a window with a good book and a hot cup of booze..er...coffee.   Watch it rain on the ocean.  If it's raining.  Dare to eat in a decent restaurant...alone.  Smile at strangers.  Maybe even wink at them, if I'm in the mood to wink.  Drink some more.  Hmmm...maybe.

Or perhaps I'll try another state.  State of awareness?  Consciousness?  Kidding.  Texas sounds good.  Or at least big.  I've never been there.  But I hear they have cowboys and bars.  The San Antonio River Walk sounds interesting.  I could walk along the river.  The San Antonio River.  Since it's right there.  Right?  And the Alamo is, too.  Remember that?  The Alamo?  Austin's only an hour or so away.  They have celebrities and bars.  And celebrities that own bars. 

Maybe the local mountains.  Cozy up in a cabin with a nice bottle of wine.  Or two.  Watch movies instead of Fox News.  I watched enough Fox News with the Douche King to last a freaking lifetime!  No wonder he's so angry.  Oh,  heaven...I love cabins!  And there's a bar nearby.  No cowboys...but that's okay.

Choices.  I am lucky I have them.
   

DIRE STRAITS

Well, your house was re-listed for rent yesterday.  Yes, I checked.  No rental income for April, May, June, July, and possibly August, depending on how quickly it rents.  That's a loss of somewhere between $15,000.00 - $20,000.00.  With the potential for that to go higher if you don't get renters in there fast.  The agonizing wait begins.

You had to pay an attorney to get the grifters out.  You have a property manager to pay.  You have a listing agent to pay.  You've had to pay for repairs to your home.  You still have to pay your mortage on that house and your rent in Jackson Hole.  You have a storage unit with all your belongings in it out in Banning that you have to pay for or risk losing your things.  You have property taxes to pay.  Not to mention your daily living expenses and two dogs to feed.

You said you depleted your savings prior to moving to Jackson Hole.

Your timeshare payment is coming due.   

You have a business with slow paying clients.  If they are even paying at all.  You have materials to buy in order to get the jobs done.  You have to pay the folks you contracted to do the work.  You have to pay your quarterly taxes.  You can't meet these obligations if you have no income from your clients.  It's probably not the best time, in this crappy economy, to drum up new clients.

You have two large dogs that can't stay at home and take care of themselves, so you have to travel to and from Jackson Hole via your automobile to check on things down here (home, family, business).  That can get expensive, factoring in gas, food and lodging for each trip.  And it's wear and tear on the car, which already has its share of miles on it.

Your father recently had a heart attack followed by heart valve surgery that nearly took his life.  You've had to spend time down here in California staying at your mom's during that difficult period.  That didn't help anything.  She was, in your words, a nightmare.  But at least now you have a better understanding of why.

Your girlfriend has been a raging lunatic brought on by lack of communication from you.  She inundated you with voicemails and emails while she was overcome with confusion and heartache and no real understanding of your avoidance of her.  She hit every emotion imaginable, from sadness to anger to compassion to sheer panic.  All the highs and lows and everything in between.  It has taken her nearly two months to be able to step outside of her own grief and figure out, on her own, the dire straits you are probably really in.  Because you never communicated to her what was happening or what you needed, even if it was space. 

The damage is done.  And still I hope it's not too late.  While suspecting that it is.

I hope someday you can understand that I was unaware of the possible devastating effects this has all had on you.  You did not confide in me the severity of your situation.  A short, vague email which did not convey much information at all was what I received.  How was I supposed to understand?  How was I supposed to provide you with support?  I'm guessing that at this point you are in the struggle of your lifetime trying to stay afloat financially.  And that is where your focus has been, is now, and will be for a while.  Survival. 

I am sorry that you are going through all of this.  I would never wish this on anyone.  It's a lot to handle each of these issues individually, and overwhelming, to say the least, to get hit with all of them at one time.  It would be enough to drive even the strongest of individuals to a breaking point.  You admittedly, historically, can handle only one issue at a time.  No wonder you have not wanted to deal with a relationship.  I do understand that, even though I'm still guessing at this situation, for the most part, as you've still not spoken with me.  And even though I would have done anything in the world to help you through it all.

I realize that you probably can't just move back in to your beautiful home at this point either, even if you wanted to.  You have no steady income from which to pay your mortgage and other financial obligations.  You need that rental income now to provide you with the income necessary to keep your head above water until somehow things turn around. 

Maybe you'll stay up there forever.  Maybe you'll rent or buy a place in the desert.  Maybe someday you'll come back.  I have no idea.  I'm still dealing with your lack of communication.  I'm dealing with my grief at the loss of "us."  And I'm trying so hard to understand it all.

Again, I am sorry you are going through this.  But I didn't cause your dire straits.  I contributed, perhaps, to your level of frustration by my relentless hounding of you while I was trying desperately to find some understanding, answer, resolution, closure...anything, really, to what was happening to us.  Maybe someday you will be able to step outside of your troubles and see that I was not your enemy.  I just wanted to understand. 

Communication is key.  It's critical.  With one single, simple phone call, I could have been your greatest support system and the least of your problems.

"EMBARK"ing on a New Journey

Okay, I've found the home of my dreams.  I can't actually afford to purchase it for about another 8-10 years, but that's okay.  I have the purchase of the home sort of lined up with my retirement.  I am motivated.  I will be saving like crazy now.  If at all possible, I am aiming to purchase even sooner.  But since it's in a new retirement community, I will be somewhat dependent upon the, uh, health, so to speak, of the current owner.

I LOVE the floor plan.  Love it!!!  The model is called Embark.  It's not big.  But it's big enough.  For me.  I will have a place for family and friends to come and stay a while...and feel welcome!  I will have a kitchen where I can bake all the Christmas cookies I want to, and won't be hindered by lack of counter space.  I will no longer struggle with where to hang my clothes - the walk-in closet is perfect.  I can finally get rid of the many storage tubs I have...and the ones I keep will fit easily into the garage.  I will have a manageable yard that I can turn into my very own Eden.  And maybe a place for a small dog to play.  No shared walls with noisy neighbors.  Oh, happiness.   

There probably won't be room for any man to live with me.  For now that sounds devine!  For right now, after this past relationship and its magnificent "non-ending," it really IS all about me.

Yes, it's my 10-year plan.  I know lots can happen in that time.  But it's my dream and my plan and my goal.

Now...SAVE, SAVE, SAVE!!!

ROAD TRIP TO REALITY

Just got home from a fantastic road trip!  It was sort of a detour in my life...a turning point, so to speak.  I saw some beautiful places in this great country of ours.  I traveled 1360 miles in about 10 days. 

I think this is a good time to mention that it is Memorial Day.  I would not have been able to do this if it were not for the courageous men and women who fought, many sacrificing their lives, for this country and our freedoms.  We cannot take those freedoms for granted.

I'll keep this short, but will share some photos of some of the beautiful scenery I was fortunate enough to see.

I hiked in beautiful Zion National Park (Utah) and saw the solar eclipse (photo was not so good so I'm sparing you), which won't happen again there for another 12 years...

I also hiked and experienced the amazing beauty and the unique "hoodoos" of Bryce Canyon National Park (also in Utah)...

And to top it all off, I got to finally see the first Natural Wonder of the World...the awe-inspiring Grand Canyon (Arizona).  Photos do NOT do it justice.  It's not just a big hole in the ground...

I finished my trip with a visit to see my father.  I needed a good strong dose of Dad.  He won't let me waste time feeling sorry for myself or being pathetic, and he tells it like it is.  It was what I needed.  I spent a few days with him and his wonderful wife before heading home. 

There is a great big beautiful world out there just waiting to be seen.  I intend to see as much as I can...with or without a man by my side.   What a great trip!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

It's Mother's Day.  My son recently moved to Austin, Texas with his girlfriend.  I miss them both.  Today will be a good day to reflect on this job called 'motherhood,' and to thank my son for providing me with another place to visit in the near future!

Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there and to all you dads who were both mom and dad to your kids!