I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I am single. Starting over. Party of one. Just me. No, no one will be joining me this evening. Or tomorrow. But maybe in a while.
So, what to do about it? I got my hair cut and colored. I've already spent too much money on clothes, but now I'm starting to put actual outfits together. I'm working out again. I'm in therapy to improve me. Working on my outlook. Taking some classes and taking up new hobbies. Trying to figure out what really makes ME happy. And trying to figure out what I want in a man. Because I do enjoy the company of...the right man.
Wonder if he's out there...maybe looking for me.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
THERAPY 'R' ME
Yep, it's been a while since I've blogged. I know I talk all tough and everything but, honestly, I am really struggling with the situation I've been going through. I decided on therapy. Damn - she can't prescribe meds though. I'll work on that one.
I've been journaling so much I think I brought on premature arthritis in my writing hand. It got all swollen, sore and claw-like. Great. I now have a hideous writer's bump on my middle finger with a nice little HUGE callous on it. And I still don't have all the crap out of my head!!!
I'm making a little scrapbook of motivational sayings. Oh, so crafty. And I'll probably throw it out before I ever finish it. I'm reading self-help books like they're going out of style. I even read them in the book store so I don't have to pay for any more of them (and so the cashier doesn't see me buying them and confirm what a loser in love I am). I've written letters to him (that I will eventually burn but will never send). I've talked to my friends so much they are beginning to avoid me (love you, Kristi!).
My family is so over him. They don't want to hear that I'm hung up on someone that is not hung up on me (I'm a 'tard). My dad will immediately cut me off if I mention his name. My dad thinks I should be as strong as he is. I'm not. I mean, I'm not weak. But my dad is Mr. Unemotional. And that is an understatement.
I cannot wait to get beyond this. It's quite a bit more painful than the first go around. Love sucks! Losing love sucks even more.
So, wish me luck on the therapy. I'm gonna need it!
I've been journaling so much I think I brought on premature arthritis in my writing hand. It got all swollen, sore and claw-like. Great. I now have a hideous writer's bump on my middle finger with a nice little HUGE callous on it. And I still don't have all the crap out of my head!!!
I'm making a little scrapbook of motivational sayings. Oh, so crafty. And I'll probably throw it out before I ever finish it. I'm reading self-help books like they're going out of style. I even read them in the book store so I don't have to pay for any more of them (and so the cashier doesn't see me buying them and confirm what a loser in love I am). I've written letters to him (that I will eventually burn but will never send). I've talked to my friends so much they are beginning to avoid me (love you, Kristi!).
My family is so over him. They don't want to hear that I'm hung up on someone that is not hung up on me (I'm a 'tard). My dad will immediately cut me off if I mention his name. My dad thinks I should be as strong as he is. I'm not. I mean, I'm not weak. But my dad is Mr. Unemotional. And that is an understatement.
I cannot wait to get beyond this. It's quite a bit more painful than the first go around. Love sucks! Losing love sucks even more.
So, wish me luck on the therapy. I'm gonna need it!
Thursday, July 26, 2012
BREATHE...IT'S OVER
Here's the latest drama regarding the saga of "me" and "him." IT'S OVER!!! FINALLY!
I know that may sound funny now, after all this time. But the truth is these past three months have been helacious! Do I love the asshole? Sadly, I still do. But I imagine that will fade rather quickly this time around.
Out of the blue, about two weeks ago, I got two emails from him. They were sent at the beginning of my work week so I chose to NOT read them until the work week was done, in the event I got...that's right...let's all say it together...EMOTIONAL.
Well, having NOT read the emails, I was unaware and unprepared for the first phone call I had received from him in 2 1/2 months. My walls were waaaaay up high and very thick. I was less than warm and fuzzy. I was cautious and slightly cold. I had NO idea why he was calling me. I now have an idea, but I didn't have a clue at that time.
He asked how the weather was (so I knew he was back up north). He wished me a BELATED birthday. My birthday is in a few days. In fact, it is 11 days after his. That faux pas did not set well with me. This would have been our 5th birthday celebration together. I know. It's very difficult to remember something like that, and I should be kinder, gentler, and more forgiving. Ummm, yeah...NO!
He asked how I was doing. I said I was okay. I was still angry and in a decent amount of emotional pain. I told him he managed to bring out the ugly in me. He did say he had noticed that. Things were somewhat cordial at this point. But turning quickly. He got a bit pissy.
Then he asked me if he should not have called me. Hell, I don't even know why he was calling - but I told him he should have called me when he said he was going to. He immediately got defensive and said that would have been difficult since he had been so sick. What? What the hell was he talking about? I had no idea until later.
Oh, it went even more downhill from there, if possible.
He then (wrongly) assumed that I wanted us to go our separate ways. I responded with, "I thought you went your separate way back in November." Yeah, I wasn't really being easy on him. He didn't like that much. Oh well, it was how I felt. And after the crap he's put me through these past several months, I had every right to be bitchy. In fact, he should have expected nothing less.
With an attitude he had developed rather quickly, he said, "I'm sorry I called." I simply said, "I'm sure you are." I'm pretty sure he was thinking I was going to relent and backtrack and apologize and become softer. Nope...I just hung up. I get stubborn just like he does at times. Should I have hung up on him? Probably not. But I wasn't going to beg him to stay on the phone either. Should he have maybe been more direct and actually TOLD me the purpose of the call? Yes. Don't call me after a few months of not even bothering to answer any of my calls and expect ME to guide the conversation. Don't test the waters. Use that spine and tell me what you called for. Yeah, no such luck.
So...I opened the emails. He missed me. He hadn't given up on us. He was finally coming out of his "cave." Well, maybe I wish I'd have read those first. Our conversation may have gone differently. I'll never know.
I feel kind of bad. But only kind of. The second email stated that he was sorry he wasn't calling that night but he was sick to his stomach and was going to bed. So, he made himself physically ill just thinking about calling me. But still, I only feel kind of bad. Think about it. Calling me was so difficult for him, yet he worked up the courage to do it. Yet he never told me why he was calling. And he's made me feel pretty crappy for quite some time now, so my sympathy for him was not as strong as maybe it could have been. Does any of that make sense? Oh, who cares. It's my story.
I did try to call later to apologize for hanging up. He had already gone back into his cave, I guess. He had already resorted to avoidance. God, he is so flippin' frustrating! I tried a few more times and sent a few emails. I was really getting tired of it all. His immaturity is completely exhausting. And it fuels mine.
So, fast forward two weeks. I get an email from him asking me to not call him anymore. He said I cannot make him love me. Huh? I thought he did love me because that's what he told me. But I certainly was not trying to make him love me. I may have been trying to make him respond to me, but I have no interest in trying to make a man love me. Nor do I have any desire to be with a man who does not love me. And now I know. He does not love me. He wishes he did...it would make life easier (???) but he does not. Sorry.
What the fuck? It was like a short Dr. Seuss story minus the rhyme.
His email has been blocked and his number purged from my phone. I have, in a sense, deleted him from my life. The memories will fade in time. What a total waste of time these past three months have been. Game over.
On the bright sde, I will NEVER have to hear him use the term "share toy" again. Story for another day.
I know that may sound funny now, after all this time. But the truth is these past three months have been helacious! Do I love the asshole? Sadly, I still do. But I imagine that will fade rather quickly this time around.
Out of the blue, about two weeks ago, I got two emails from him. They were sent at the beginning of my work week so I chose to NOT read them until the work week was done, in the event I got...that's right...let's all say it together...EMOTIONAL.
Well, having NOT read the emails, I was unaware and unprepared for the first phone call I had received from him in 2 1/2 months. My walls were waaaaay up high and very thick. I was less than warm and fuzzy. I was cautious and slightly cold. I had NO idea why he was calling me. I now have an idea, but I didn't have a clue at that time.
He asked how the weather was (so I knew he was back up north). He wished me a BELATED birthday. My birthday is in a few days. In fact, it is 11 days after his. That faux pas did not set well with me. This would have been our 5th birthday celebration together. I know. It's very difficult to remember something like that, and I should be kinder, gentler, and more forgiving. Ummm, yeah...NO!
He asked how I was doing. I said I was okay. I was still angry and in a decent amount of emotional pain. I told him he managed to bring out the ugly in me. He did say he had noticed that. Things were somewhat cordial at this point. But turning quickly. He got a bit pissy.
Then he asked me if he should not have called me. Hell, I don't even know why he was calling - but I told him he should have called me when he said he was going to. He immediately got defensive and said that would have been difficult since he had been so sick. What? What the hell was he talking about? I had no idea until later.
Oh, it went even more downhill from there, if possible.
He then (wrongly) assumed that I wanted us to go our separate ways. I responded with, "I thought you went your separate way back in November." Yeah, I wasn't really being easy on him. He didn't like that much. Oh well, it was how I felt. And after the crap he's put me through these past several months, I had every right to be bitchy. In fact, he should have expected nothing less.
With an attitude he had developed rather quickly, he said, "I'm sorry I called." I simply said, "I'm sure you are." I'm pretty sure he was thinking I was going to relent and backtrack and apologize and become softer. Nope...I just hung up. I get stubborn just like he does at times. Should I have hung up on him? Probably not. But I wasn't going to beg him to stay on the phone either. Should he have maybe been more direct and actually TOLD me the purpose of the call? Yes. Don't call me after a few months of not even bothering to answer any of my calls and expect ME to guide the conversation. Don't test the waters. Use that spine and tell me what you called for. Yeah, no such luck.
So...I opened the emails. He missed me. He hadn't given up on us. He was finally coming out of his "cave." Well, maybe I wish I'd have read those first. Our conversation may have gone differently. I'll never know.
I feel kind of bad. But only kind of. The second email stated that he was sorry he wasn't calling that night but he was sick to his stomach and was going to bed. So, he made himself physically ill just thinking about calling me. But still, I only feel kind of bad. Think about it. Calling me was so difficult for him, yet he worked up the courage to do it. Yet he never told me why he was calling. And he's made me feel pretty crappy for quite some time now, so my sympathy for him was not as strong as maybe it could have been. Does any of that make sense? Oh, who cares. It's my story.
I did try to call later to apologize for hanging up. He had already gone back into his cave, I guess. He had already resorted to avoidance. God, he is so flippin' frustrating! I tried a few more times and sent a few emails. I was really getting tired of it all. His immaturity is completely exhausting. And it fuels mine.
So, fast forward two weeks. I get an email from him asking me to not call him anymore. He said I cannot make him love me. Huh? I thought he did love me because that's what he told me. But I certainly was not trying to make him love me. I may have been trying to make him respond to me, but I have no interest in trying to make a man love me. Nor do I have any desire to be with a man who does not love me. And now I know. He does not love me. He wishes he did...it would make life easier (???) but he does not. Sorry.
What the fuck? It was like a short Dr. Seuss story minus the rhyme.
His email has been blocked and his number purged from my phone. I have, in a sense, deleted him from my life. The memories will fade in time. What a total waste of time these past three months have been. Game over.
On the bright sde, I will NEVER have to hear him use the term "share toy" again. Story for another day.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
VENUS STATIONARY DIRECT
You know what today is, right? Today is the last day of this current cycle of phase 3 of Venus in retrograde. And you know what that means, right? Yeah, neither do I.
So I Googled it and found this on the "Darkstar Astrology" website. Of course I only copied and pasted the stuff I want to apply to me (and some random stuff I can't pronounce and don't understand). But it might make me look smart.
I love where it says that the negative aspects of our relationships and own weaknesses in how we love has peaked. No shit. Like 73 times already since the end of April. I'm flippin' worn out. And my face is on permanent puff from all the lame ass crying I've been doing. It's a miracle I can see out of my eyes. (Little brother, do not say a word!)
I'll let you know how this story ends...read the last sentence below in the first paragraph below. Hard to imagine any evolution when the other half of the relationship has, for all intents and purposes, fallen off the face of the earth. My earth anyway.
All I'm really hoping for is the opening up of communication channels, as suggested in the second paragraph. And the affectionate sharing of thoughts. See, I foolishly continue to hold out hope. 'Tard.
So I Googled it and found this on the "Darkstar Astrology" website. Of course I only copied and pasted the stuff I want to apply to me (and some random stuff I can't pronounce and don't understand). But it might make me look smart.
I love where it says that the negative aspects of our relationships and own weaknesses in how we love has peaked. No shit. Like 73 times already since the end of April. I'm flippin' worn out. And my face is on permanent puff from all the lame ass crying I've been doing. It's a miracle I can see out of my eyes. (Little brother, do not say a word!)
I'll let you know how this story ends...read the last sentence below in the first paragraph below. Hard to imagine any evolution when the other half of the relationship has, for all intents and purposes, fallen off the face of the earth. My earth anyway.
All I'm really hoping for is the opening up of communication channels, as suggested in the second paragraph. And the affectionate sharing of thoughts. See, I foolishly continue to hold out hope. 'Tard.
On June 27, Venus stations direct at 7°29′ Gemini on the fixed star Hyadum II, the same spot the journey started. Back then, Venus was conjunct the South Node and square Chiron. Now the only tight aspect is Venus quincunx Pluto. So we could say the pain at confronting the negative aspects of our relationships, and our own weaknesses in how we love has now peaked. This final phase is about adjusting to a new dynamic in relationships, the give and take, and then settling at a new power sharing arrangement. Venus is love, Pluto is transformation, the quincunx is an aspect of karmic readjustment. Our relationships and how we love each other and ourselves is evolving.
From July 2 to 16, Mercury sextile Venus again opens up the communication channels in our relationships. We had this aspect back in early May before Venus had turned retrograde. Now, in the final direct phase, it gives a much longer than usual time for affectionate sharing of thoughts, and for the resolving of the tension which has been ongoing for some time now. This will likely climax around July 5 with Venus at 8 degrees Gemini sextile Uranus.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
BEST FRIENDS
One thing, well I guess two things, I will really miss about this relationship...
these dogs.
Buddy Dumbass and Sophie.
Two beautiful Golden Retrievers
(although we think one has an awful lot of Irish Setter in her).
Silly, loving, full of energy. Check out these faces. Sweetest things ever!
So happy I have these pictures and the memories of them.
Yes...I will miss them very much.
That's Buddy at the top and Sophie on the bottom.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY
It's Mother's Day. My son recently moved to Austin, Texas with his girlfriend. I miss them both. Today will be a good day to reflect on this job called 'motherhood,' and to thank my son for providing me with another place to visit in the near future!
Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there and to all you dads who were both mom and dad to your kids!
Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there and to all you dads who were both mom and dad to your kids!
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
'TARD I AM
I am so anxiety ridden right now. I feel like I'm going to vomit. WHY AM I SUCH A FREAKING SPAZ????
Crap! I bring this sh*t on myself. Should have walked years ago...and then months ago...and now I'm going to be so heartbroken because I am so invested now. What an emotional 'tard I am.
And all I wanted was a normal relationship - but I don't know what that is!! And I love this guy - but can't be with him if he's going to stay up north. Can't go through 6 more months of that. Or three more months. On that I'm firm. And I can't be with him if he decides he doesn't want to be with me. Duh!! And that would hurt. No one wants to be rejected. Seriously.
So now I'm just waiting...and I hate that. And I feel like I'm going to to vomit. Did I mention that?
Crap! I bring this sh*t on myself. Should have walked years ago...and then months ago...and now I'm going to be so heartbroken because I am so invested now. What an emotional 'tard I am.
And all I wanted was a normal relationship - but I don't know what that is!! And I love this guy - but can't be with him if he's going to stay up north. Can't go through 6 more months of that. Or three more months. On that I'm firm. And I can't be with him if he decides he doesn't want to be with me. Duh!! And that would hurt. No one wants to be rejected. Seriously.
So now I'm just waiting...and I hate that. And I feel like I'm going to to vomit. Did I mention that?
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
RAW RAMBLINGS
Along with the agonizing pain and seemingly endless heartache you have caused me with your promises that don't pan out and distance (literal and figurative), I feel so foolish. I believed in you. I trusted you. I put my faith in you. Again. I was clear with my expectations. You knew what I wanted. I wasn't vague.
I supported your dream. A dream I was not even a part of. I was patient and understanding and happy for you. I did it all with zero commitment from you. Maybe that was my fault. Clearly it was. I did not hound you with phone calls and questions. I gave you all the freedom you wanted. I believed in you. I trusted you. I put my faith in you. I feel so foolish.
All I asked of you, before you left, please do not avoid me. Please.
I got no thanks, no understanding, no appreciation. No show of concern when I acted with a bit of seemingly unfounded irrationality.
I told you I was having a hard time way down here without you, the man I love so much. I was cracking. Breaking. You didn't even notice. I wanted to be by your side. The longer you were gone and the less I saw of you, the more I began to wonder why I was down here all alone. The more I missed you. If you had wanted me there, I'd be there. If you missed me, you would have called me. But that's not how it was.
I snapped. Almost completely in two. This situation would have been difficult for many couples, and most would never have attempted it. Most women would have walked away at the get-go. Go ahead - ask your friends what their wives or girlfriends would have done. I'm not most women. But I am human. Just not Super Woman. I used about all the patience and inner strength I could muster up but still, I snapped. Remember, I'm only human. After snapping, I reached out to you...to apologize...to explain...to hear your voice. You shut down. Shut me out. Shut off communication.
Communication. A word you hold so dear.
"We don't communicate well." No, we don't. You don't share your thoughts or ideas with me. I find it difficult to guess what you are thinking. I don't have a crystal ball. Or even a Magic 8 Ball. If an issue arises, you say we'll put it behind us and move forward. You are unable to address it. You never manage to really put it behind you. Completely. The issue never gets resolved. You bring it up later. And then you say, "We don't communicate well." You use that as an excuse to kindly step out of the relationship. "I'm sorry. We don't communicate well. We hold things in until one of us explodes. This just isn't working." YOU hold things in. I attempt to get something out of you, you make yourself competely inaccessible, and then I explode. Then you decide we don't have the right stuff for a relationship. That I'm too emotional. That's it. End of discussion (before it even gets off the ground). No communication. And you walk away. But couples have issues. All couples. They need to be addressed...through communication. Open communication. Listening and speaking. Not avoiding. Not by walking away. Not if there is love.
Where I am expressive and overflowing with emotion, you are stoic and composed. When I hurt, I blurt it out. When you hurt, you don't show it. You won't share any of your inner workings with me. But that's what we're here for. To help each other through the hurts. Not just for the happy times.
Your wall is so thick. I promised you I would do my best to break through it. Hard to do when you are many states away and keep deflecting, avoiding, ignoring my attempts. Or are completely unaware of them. But I never gave up. You know me. I'm not a quitter. If anything, I'm a fixer.
You have an incredible ability to supress your feelings, while I just vomit mine all over the place. Sometimes I wish I was more like you in that regard. But sometimes I wish you were a little more like me. Just a little.
You're also a very proud man. One of your many traits that I admire. But sometimes you let your pride get in the way of every day life. You took my foolish bit of insecurity, left for you in a short voice mail, as an attack on your integrity. How? How did that happen? I don't understand that at all. And you won't help me to understand. You got angry and then, lo and behold, like clockwork, here comes the big "avoid." You didn't put anything behind us - you didn't even give me an opportunity to "communicate" my feelings to you. You didn't care enough about my feelings to listen to what was going on wtih me. To find out what my needs were.
You have an M.O. Your big "avoid" is the precursor to the big "break-up." The big "break-up" is based on our "poor communication." I sensed the big "avoid" because, well, because it's impossible to miss. Silence. Sadly, because I so fear the big "break-up," my emotions take over. Yes, and you fear my emotions so much that this causes you to further avoid. Vicious cycle with no resolution. What the hell happened to "communication"?
I've held on. I would've held on forever. I thought you were my forever. But I am not a part of your bigger picture. You haven't spoken to me in over a week. You haven't spoken to me when all I needed from you was a simple "I love you." You've no idea the calming effect that has on me. Instead, while I was cracking, breaking, doing my damnedest to stay strong and put together, and failing miserably, you email me...email me...that we'll talk when it's convenient for you. Not when I really needed it. Message received loud and clear.
I know what's coming and I fear it. It makes me very sad. In fact, it breaks my heart. I thought our love for each other was stronger than that. Even now, I love you with all my heart - as broken as it is. But I can't stop the inevitable. I know you well enough now to know what's coming. And it's too painful for me to deal with...because it is not what I want. It's so far from what I want. So it's my turn.
I have to "avoid" it.
I supported your dream. A dream I was not even a part of. I was patient and understanding and happy for you. I did it all with zero commitment from you. Maybe that was my fault. Clearly it was. I did not hound you with phone calls and questions. I gave you all the freedom you wanted. I believed in you. I trusted you. I put my faith in you. I feel so foolish.
All I asked of you, before you left, please do not avoid me. Please.
I got no thanks, no understanding, no appreciation. No show of concern when I acted with a bit of seemingly unfounded irrationality.
I told you I was having a hard time way down here without you, the man I love so much. I was cracking. Breaking. You didn't even notice. I wanted to be by your side. The longer you were gone and the less I saw of you, the more I began to wonder why I was down here all alone. The more I missed you. If you had wanted me there, I'd be there. If you missed me, you would have called me. But that's not how it was.
I snapped. Almost completely in two. This situation would have been difficult for many couples, and most would never have attempted it. Most women would have walked away at the get-go. Go ahead - ask your friends what their wives or girlfriends would have done. I'm not most women. But I am human. Just not Super Woman. I used about all the patience and inner strength I could muster up but still, I snapped. Remember, I'm only human. After snapping, I reached out to you...to apologize...to explain...to hear your voice. You shut down. Shut me out. Shut off communication.
Communication. A word you hold so dear.
"We don't communicate well." No, we don't. You don't share your thoughts or ideas with me. I find it difficult to guess what you are thinking. I don't have a crystal ball. Or even a Magic 8 Ball. If an issue arises, you say we'll put it behind us and move forward. You are unable to address it. You never manage to really put it behind you. Completely. The issue never gets resolved. You bring it up later. And then you say, "We don't communicate well." You use that as an excuse to kindly step out of the relationship. "I'm sorry. We don't communicate well. We hold things in until one of us explodes. This just isn't working." YOU hold things in. I attempt to get something out of you, you make yourself competely inaccessible, and then I explode. Then you decide we don't have the right stuff for a relationship. That I'm too emotional. That's it. End of discussion (before it even gets off the ground). No communication. And you walk away. But couples have issues. All couples. They need to be addressed...through communication. Open communication. Listening and speaking. Not avoiding. Not by walking away. Not if there is love.
Where I am expressive and overflowing with emotion, you are stoic and composed. When I hurt, I blurt it out. When you hurt, you don't show it. You won't share any of your inner workings with me. But that's what we're here for. To help each other through the hurts. Not just for the happy times.
Your wall is so thick. I promised you I would do my best to break through it. Hard to do when you are many states away and keep deflecting, avoiding, ignoring my attempts. Or are completely unaware of them. But I never gave up. You know me. I'm not a quitter. If anything, I'm a fixer.
You have an incredible ability to supress your feelings, while I just vomit mine all over the place. Sometimes I wish I was more like you in that regard. But sometimes I wish you were a little more like me. Just a little.
You're also a very proud man. One of your many traits that I admire. But sometimes you let your pride get in the way of every day life. You took my foolish bit of insecurity, left for you in a short voice mail, as an attack on your integrity. How? How did that happen? I don't understand that at all. And you won't help me to understand. You got angry and then, lo and behold, like clockwork, here comes the big "avoid." You didn't put anything behind us - you didn't even give me an opportunity to "communicate" my feelings to you. You didn't care enough about my feelings to listen to what was going on wtih me. To find out what my needs were.
You have an M.O. Your big "avoid" is the precursor to the big "break-up." The big "break-up" is based on our "poor communication." I sensed the big "avoid" because, well, because it's impossible to miss. Silence. Sadly, because I so fear the big "break-up," my emotions take over. Yes, and you fear my emotions so much that this causes you to further avoid. Vicious cycle with no resolution. What the hell happened to "communication"?
I've held on. I would've held on forever. I thought you were my forever. But I am not a part of your bigger picture. You haven't spoken to me in over a week. You haven't spoken to me when all I needed from you was a simple "I love you." You've no idea the calming effect that has on me. Instead, while I was cracking, breaking, doing my damnedest to stay strong and put together, and failing miserably, you email me...email me...that we'll talk when it's convenient for you. Not when I really needed it. Message received loud and clear.
I know what's coming and I fear it. It makes me very sad. In fact, it breaks my heart. I thought our love for each other was stronger than that. Even now, I love you with all my heart - as broken as it is. But I can't stop the inevitable. I know you well enough now to know what's coming. And it's too painful for me to deal with...because it is not what I want. It's so far from what I want. So it's my turn.
I have to "avoid" it.
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