QUIT BUGGING ME!

Walked down the street this morning to the local coffee shop to grab a little morning wake up.  As I was lazily strolling back home, sipping my cup of deliciousness, minding my own damn business for a change, blissfully unaware of the current craziness in my life (which I'd somehow managed to back-burner for a brief moment), I got jolted awake by...

WINNING

Every now and then a song is just what you need to hear over and over and loud and clear.  This is one among many of my archived faves...an oldie but a goodie...and fitting for the current circs.  The list of many is for another day.  But it includes Kelly Clarkson's "What Doesn't Kill Ya Makes Ya Stronger" and Sara Bareillies' "King of Anything."   I welcome suggestions for this category, too.  I do.  Really.

Random interjection:  A lady I work with asked me today if I had talked to "the jerk."  I said no.  She replied, "Good.  You're a fun person...you're a lot of fun to be around.  You need to find that person you think is a lot of fun to be around.  He's out there.  Go find him."  Hmmm, I think I will.       

 Go ahead...sing along.  You know the words!  Everyone does. 

THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKIN'

Nancy Sinatra

You keep saying you've got something for me.
Something you call love, but confess.
You've been messin' where you shouldn't have been a messin'
and now someone else is gettin' all your best.

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do.
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.  Yeah...

You keep lying when you oughta be truthin'
and you keep losin' when you oughta not bet.
You keep samin' when you oughta be a changin'.
Now what's right is right, but you ain't been right yet.

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do.
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

You keep playin' where you shouldn't be playin'
and you keep thinkin' that you´ll never get burned.  Ha!
I just found me a brand new box of matches yeah
and what he knows you ain't had time to learn.

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do.

One of these days these boot are gonna walk all over you.

Are you ready boots?  Start walkin'!

STARTING OVER

I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I am single.  Starting over.  Party of one.  Just me.  No, no one will be joining me this evening.  Or tomorrow.  But maybe in a while. 

So, what to do about it?  I got my hair cut and colored.  I've already spent too much money on clothes, but now I'm starting to put actual outfits together.  I'm working out again.  I'm in therapy to improve me.  Working on my outlook.  Taking some classes and taking up new hobbies.  Trying to figure out what really makes ME happy.   And trying to figure out what I want in a man.  Because I do enjoy the company of...the right man. 

Wonder if he's out there...maybe looking for me.   

WHASSUP? NO, WHAT'S SUP?

In case you've never heard of it, SUP is short for Stand Up Paddling.  It's the new craze where you go out on the water on a board somewhat similar to a surfboard and you stand up on it and maneuver yourself around using a paddle.  It's wider than a surfboard and constructed a little differently.  You're given a long pole with a paddle on the end of it, and about two minutes of instruction, and off you go.  And I tried it today for the first time.  What a great experience.  I liked it so much I'm considering buying a board of my own so I can go whenever I want to, weather and time permitting.

I was a little timid at first.  When you first stand up on the board, it seems so unsteady and unnatural.  But within a matter of about 5-10 minutes, you begin to get a little more used to it and a bit more comfortable standing and paddling your way around the harbor.  I guess you get your sea legs.

It was a very warm day.  Of course I put sunscreen on, but realized in no time that I put the NON-sport type on my forehead and the crap was running into my eyes like nobody's business.  And I just had to suffer through the burn because I had nothing to wipe the stuff out of my eyes.  Next time I think I'll just wear a hat. 

Anyway, it's a good workout.  Good for your arms, legs and core.  I managed to stay topside.  My friend, on the other hand, forgot for a moment that he was on a board on the water, and turned his head a little too quickly to see where I was.  That movement was just enough to catch him off guard, throw him off balance, and he took a slow motion spill into the harbor.  I actually thought he was just joking around.  But he says no. 

We finished the day at our local brewery for some cold beer and munchies.  We had a great time and will definitely do it again! 

(I wonder how this old body is going to feel when I try to get out of bed tomorrow morning.)

SHARE TOY

Okay, this is a serious question.  No, seriously.  It is.  What the hell is a fucking SHARE TOY?  Bueller?  Bueller?  Anyone?

Yeah, see?  You have no idea, do you?  No, you don't.  It's not in Webster's Dictionary.  It's not in the Urban Dictionary.  It's not even part of anyone's flippin' vocabulary!  Except his.  It was bad enough when he said it in conversations with me.  But it was bloody embarrassing when he used that term in public.  Made me cringe!  Oh God, I was fearful he'd say it in front of my father.  But since he rarely spent time with my family, there was little-to-no chance that my dad would ever hear that inane meaningless utterance come from a grown man's mouth.  Share toy.  Really.  Sounds obscene.

Say it to yourself right now.  Go ahead, say it.  Share toy.  No one's listening.  Share toy.  Share toy.  Share toy.  Just say it out loud and ask yourself, "What image does that conjure?"   Well, I'll tell ya, it has nothing to do with some rubbery plastic device you might see in a porn movie (if you were to watch them...hey, I'm not judging).  It sounds like it could be.  Maybe.  I guess.  But it's not.

I've come to learn what he means by that expression.  I'll try to explain.  Say we're in a restaurant ("we're in a restaurant") and we order appetizers that we are going to split.  Yep...share toy.  Or a delicious dessert that is just too big for one of us after a big meal.  You got it.  Share toy.  God, how ridiculous and retarded.  And just plain stupid and wrong. 

Share toy. 

He almost ruined a trip to Kauai for me by using that term while engaged in conversation with a couple we did not know but accidentally bumped into as they were coming out of a restaurant that we were going in to.  He asked them about the menu.  They told us that the food was good and all served tapas-style.  Yes, little appetizers.  Uh oh, you already see where this is headed, don't you?  Down that dangerous road called 'humiliation.'  God, I prayed for him not to say it.   I prayed and begged in silence.  But...wait for it...wait for it..."Oh, share toys."   He said it like it was the most natural response in the world.  Oh, horror of horrors!  I almost died on the spot.  The couple just looked at him with blank expressions.  I could almost hear the man thinking, "What the fuck did he just say?"  They had NO idea what the hell he was talking about.  And they turned and walked away without another word.  Well, really, what could they have said to that?  Really.  Share toys?

I always figured maybe he got the term from some stupid little blonde cute-as-a-button girlfriend that may have said it to him in a little squeeky Mini-Mouse'ish voice.  "Ooooh, look..a share toy...heeheehee."  And she was probably just so damned hot that it didn't matter what blather she spewed, he would take it and accept it as real.  Because he has a penis.

A man might accept a woman saying it...because of said dick...but no man in the history of the world would ever actually repeat it.  Out loud.  To another human being.  No.  Never!  NEVER!!!    

I don't make this shit up.

You're still here?  It's over.  Go home.  Go.

THERAPY 'R' ME

Yep, it's been a while since I've blogged.  I know I talk all tough and everything but, honestly, I am really struggling with the situation I've been going through.  I decided on therapy.  Damn - she can't prescribe meds though.  I'll work on that one. 

I've been journaling so much I think I brought on premature arthritis in my writing hand.  It got all swollen, sore and claw-like.  Great.  I now have a hideous writer's bump on my middle finger with a nice little HUGE callous on it.  And I still don't have all the crap out of my head!!! 

I'm making a little scrapbook of motivational sayings.  Oh, so crafty.  And I'll probably throw it out before I ever finish it.  I'm reading self-help books like they're going out of style.  I even read them in the book store so I don't have to pay for any more of them (and so the cashier doesn't see me buying them and confirm what a loser in love I am).  I've written letters to him (that I will eventually burn but will never send).  I've talked to my friends so much they are beginning to avoid me (love you, Kristi!). 

My family is so over him.  They don't want to hear that I'm hung up on someone that is not hung up on me (I'm a 'tard).  My dad will immediately cut me off if I mention his name.  My dad thinks I should be as strong as he is.  I'm not.  I mean, I'm not weak.  But my dad is Mr. Unemotional.  And that is an understatement.

I cannot wait to get beyond this.  It's quite a bit more painful than the first go around.  Love sucks!  Losing love sucks even more. 

So, wish me luck on the therapy.  I'm gonna need it!

BREATHE...IT'S OVER

Here's the latest drama regarding the saga of "me" and "him."  IT'S OVER!!!  FINALLY!

I know that may sound funny now, after all this time.  But the truth is these past three months have been helacious!  Do I love the asshole?  Sadly, I still do.  But I imagine that will fade rather quickly this time around. 

Out of the blue, about two weeks ago, I got two emails from him.  They were sent at the beginning of my work week so I chose to NOT read them until the work week was done, in the event I got...that's right...let's all say it together...EMOTIONAL. 

Well, having NOT read the emails, I was unaware and unprepared for the first phone call I had received from him in 2 1/2 months.  My walls were waaaaay up high and very thick.  I was less than warm and fuzzy.  I was cautious and slightly cold.  I had NO idea why he was calling me.  I now have an idea, but I didn't have a clue at that time.

He asked how the weather was (so I knew he was back up north).  He wished me a BELATED birthday.  My birthday is in a few days.  In fact, it is 11 days after his.  That faux pas did not set well with me.  This would have been our 5th birthday celebration together.  I know.  It's very difficult to remember something like that, and I should be kinder, gentler, and more forgiving.  Ummm, yeah...NO!

He asked how I was doing.  I said I was okay.  I was still angry and in a decent amount of emotional pain.  I told him he managed to bring out the ugly in me.  He did say he had noticed that.  Things were somewhat cordial at this point.  But turning quickly.  He got a bit pissy.

Then he asked me if he should not have called me.  Hell, I don't even know why he was calling - but I told him he should have called me when he said he was going to.  He immediately got defensive and said that would have been difficult since he had been so sick.  What?  What the hell was he talking about?  I had no idea until later.

Oh, it went even more downhill from there, if possible. 

He then (wrongly) assumed that I wanted us to go our separate ways.  I responded with, "I thought you went your separate way back in November."   Yeah, I wasn't really being easy on him.  He didn't like that much.  Oh well, it was how I felt.   And after the crap he's put me through these past several months, I had every right to be bitchy.  In fact, he should have expected nothing less.

With an attitude he had developed rather quickly, he said, "I'm sorry I called."  I simply said, "I'm sure you are."  I'm pretty sure he was thinking I was going to relent and backtrack and apologize and become softer.  Nope...I just hung up.  I get stubborn just like he does at times.  Should I have hung up on him?  Probably not.  But I wasn't going to beg him to stay on the phone either.  Should he have maybe been more direct and actually TOLD me the purpose of the call?  Yes.  Don't call me after a few months of not even bothering to answer any of my calls and expect ME to guide the conversation.  Don't test the waters.  Use that spine and tell me what you called for.  Yeah, no such luck.

So...I opened the emails.  He missed me.  He hadn't given up on us.  He was finally coming out of his "cave."  Well, maybe I wish I'd have read those first.  Our conversation may have gone differently.  I'll never know. 

I feel kind of bad.  But only kind of.  The second email stated that he was sorry he wasn't calling that night but he was sick to his stomach and was going to bed.  So, he made himself physically ill just thinking about calling me.  But still, I only feel kind of bad.  Think about it.  Calling me was so difficult for him, yet he worked up the courage to do it.  Yet he never told me why he was calling.  And he's made me feel pretty crappy for quite some time now, so my sympathy for him was not as strong as maybe it could have been.  Does any of that make sense?  Oh, who cares.  It's my story.

I did try to call later to apologize for hanging up.  He had already gone back into his cave, I guess.  He had already resorted to avoidance.  God, he is so flippin' frustrating!  I tried a few more times and sent a few emails.  I was really getting tired of it all.   His immaturity is completely exhausting.  And it fuels mine.

So, fast forward two weeks.  I get an email from him asking me to not call him anymore.  He said I cannot make him love me.  Huh?  I thought he did love me because that's what he told me.  But I certainly was not trying to make him love me.  I may have been trying to make him respond to me, but I have no interest in trying to make a man love me.  Nor do I have any desire to be with a man who does not love me.  And now I know.  He does not love me.  He wishes he did...it would make life easier (???) but he does not.  Sorry.

What the fuck?  It was like a short Dr. Seuss story minus the rhyme.

His email has been blocked and his number purged from my phone.  I have, in a sense, deleted him from my life.  The memories will fade in time.  What a total waste of time these past three months have been.  Game over.

On the bright sde, I will NEVER have to hear him use the term "share toy" again.  Story for another day.