Yep, it's been a while since I've blogged. I know I talk all tough and everything but, honestly, I am really struggling with the situation I've been going through. I decided on therapy. Damn - she can't prescribe meds though. I'll work on that one.
I've been journaling so much I think I brought on premature arthritis in my writing hand. It got all swollen, sore and claw-like. Great. I now have a hideous writer's bump on my middle finger with a nice little HUGE callous on it. And I still don't have all the crap out of my head!!!
I'm making a little scrapbook of motivational sayings. Oh, so crafty. And I'll probably throw it out before I ever finish it. I'm reading self-help books like they're going out of style. I even read them in the book store so I don't have to pay for any more of them (and so the cashier doesn't see me buying them and confirm what a loser in love I am). I've written letters to him (that I will eventually burn but will never send). I've talked to my friends so much they are beginning to avoid me (love you, Kristi!).
My family is so over him. They don't want to hear that I'm hung up on someone that is not hung up on me (I'm a 'tard). My dad will immediately cut me off if I mention his name. My dad thinks I should be as strong as he is. I'm not. I mean, I'm not weak. But my dad is Mr. Unemotional. And that is an understatement.
I cannot wait to get beyond this. It's quite a bit more painful than the first go around. Love sucks! Losing love sucks even more.
So, wish me luck on the therapy. I'm gonna need it!
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012
BREATHE...IT'S OVER
Here's the latest drama regarding the saga of "me" and "him." IT'S OVER!!! FINALLY!
I know that may sound funny now, after all this time. But the truth is these past three months have been helacious! Do I love the asshole? Sadly, I still do. But I imagine that will fade rather quickly this time around.
Out of the blue, about two weeks ago, I got two emails from him. They were sent at the beginning of my work week so I chose to NOT read them until the work week was done, in the event I got...that's right...let's all say it together...EMOTIONAL.
Well, having NOT read the emails, I was unaware and unprepared for the first phone call I had received from him in 2 1/2 months. My walls were waaaaay up high and very thick. I was less than warm and fuzzy. I was cautious and slightly cold. I had NO idea why he was calling me. I now have an idea, but I didn't have a clue at that time.
He asked how the weather was (so I knew he was back up north). He wished me a BELATED birthday. My birthday is in a few days. In fact, it is 11 days after his. That faux pas did not set well with me. This would have been our 5th birthday celebration together. I know. It's very difficult to remember something like that, and I should be kinder, gentler, and more forgiving. Ummm, yeah...NO!
He asked how I was doing. I said I was okay. I was still angry and in a decent amount of emotional pain. I told him he managed to bring out the ugly in me. He did say he had noticed that. Things were somewhat cordial at this point. But turning quickly. He got a bit pissy.
Then he asked me if he should not have called me. Hell, I don't even know why he was calling - but I told him he should have called me when he said he was going to. He immediately got defensive and said that would have been difficult since he had been so sick. What? What the hell was he talking about? I had no idea until later.
Oh, it went even more downhill from there, if possible.
He then (wrongly) assumed that I wanted us to go our separate ways. I responded with, "I thought you went your separate way back in November." Yeah, I wasn't really being easy on him. He didn't like that much. Oh well, it was how I felt. And after the crap he's put me through these past several months, I had every right to be bitchy. In fact, he should have expected nothing less.
With an attitude he had developed rather quickly, he said, "I'm sorry I called." I simply said, "I'm sure you are." I'm pretty sure he was thinking I was going to relent and backtrack and apologize and become softer. Nope...I just hung up. I get stubborn just like he does at times. Should I have hung up on him? Probably not. But I wasn't going to beg him to stay on the phone either. Should he have maybe been more direct and actually TOLD me the purpose of the call? Yes. Don't call me after a few months of not even bothering to answer any of my calls and expect ME to guide the conversation. Don't test the waters. Use that spine and tell me what you called for. Yeah, no such luck.
So...I opened the emails. He missed me. He hadn't given up on us. He was finally coming out of his "cave." Well, maybe I wish I'd have read those first. Our conversation may have gone differently. I'll never know.
I feel kind of bad. But only kind of. The second email stated that he was sorry he wasn't calling that night but he was sick to his stomach and was going to bed. So, he made himself physically ill just thinking about calling me. But still, I only feel kind of bad. Think about it. Calling me was so difficult for him, yet he worked up the courage to do it. Yet he never told me why he was calling. And he's made me feel pretty crappy for quite some time now, so my sympathy for him was not as strong as maybe it could have been. Does any of that make sense? Oh, who cares. It's my story.
I did try to call later to apologize for hanging up. He had already gone back into his cave, I guess. He had already resorted to avoidance. God, he is so flippin' frustrating! I tried a few more times and sent a few emails. I was really getting tired of it all. His immaturity is completely exhausting. And it fuels mine.
So, fast forward two weeks. I get an email from him asking me to not call him anymore. He said I cannot make him love me. Huh? I thought he did love me because that's what he told me. But I certainly was not trying to make him love me. I may have been trying to make him respond to me, but I have no interest in trying to make a man love me. Nor do I have any desire to be with a man who does not love me. And now I know. He does not love me. He wishes he did...it would make life easier (???) but he does not. Sorry.
What the fuck? It was like a short Dr. Seuss story minus the rhyme.
His email has been blocked and his number purged from my phone. I have, in a sense, deleted him from my life. The memories will fade in time. What a total waste of time these past three months have been. Game over.
On the bright sde, I will NEVER have to hear him use the term "share toy" again. Story for another day.
I know that may sound funny now, after all this time. But the truth is these past three months have been helacious! Do I love the asshole? Sadly, I still do. But I imagine that will fade rather quickly this time around.
Out of the blue, about two weeks ago, I got two emails from him. They were sent at the beginning of my work week so I chose to NOT read them until the work week was done, in the event I got...that's right...let's all say it together...EMOTIONAL.
Well, having NOT read the emails, I was unaware and unprepared for the first phone call I had received from him in 2 1/2 months. My walls were waaaaay up high and very thick. I was less than warm and fuzzy. I was cautious and slightly cold. I had NO idea why he was calling me. I now have an idea, but I didn't have a clue at that time.
He asked how the weather was (so I knew he was back up north). He wished me a BELATED birthday. My birthday is in a few days. In fact, it is 11 days after his. That faux pas did not set well with me. This would have been our 5th birthday celebration together. I know. It's very difficult to remember something like that, and I should be kinder, gentler, and more forgiving. Ummm, yeah...NO!
He asked how I was doing. I said I was okay. I was still angry and in a decent amount of emotional pain. I told him he managed to bring out the ugly in me. He did say he had noticed that. Things were somewhat cordial at this point. But turning quickly. He got a bit pissy.
Then he asked me if he should not have called me. Hell, I don't even know why he was calling - but I told him he should have called me when he said he was going to. He immediately got defensive and said that would have been difficult since he had been so sick. What? What the hell was he talking about? I had no idea until later.
Oh, it went even more downhill from there, if possible.
He then (wrongly) assumed that I wanted us to go our separate ways. I responded with, "I thought you went your separate way back in November." Yeah, I wasn't really being easy on him. He didn't like that much. Oh well, it was how I felt. And after the crap he's put me through these past several months, I had every right to be bitchy. In fact, he should have expected nothing less.
With an attitude he had developed rather quickly, he said, "I'm sorry I called." I simply said, "I'm sure you are." I'm pretty sure he was thinking I was going to relent and backtrack and apologize and become softer. Nope...I just hung up. I get stubborn just like he does at times. Should I have hung up on him? Probably not. But I wasn't going to beg him to stay on the phone either. Should he have maybe been more direct and actually TOLD me the purpose of the call? Yes. Don't call me after a few months of not even bothering to answer any of my calls and expect ME to guide the conversation. Don't test the waters. Use that spine and tell me what you called for. Yeah, no such luck.
So...I opened the emails. He missed me. He hadn't given up on us. He was finally coming out of his "cave." Well, maybe I wish I'd have read those first. Our conversation may have gone differently. I'll never know.
I feel kind of bad. But only kind of. The second email stated that he was sorry he wasn't calling that night but he was sick to his stomach and was going to bed. So, he made himself physically ill just thinking about calling me. But still, I only feel kind of bad. Think about it. Calling me was so difficult for him, yet he worked up the courage to do it. Yet he never told me why he was calling. And he's made me feel pretty crappy for quite some time now, so my sympathy for him was not as strong as maybe it could have been. Does any of that make sense? Oh, who cares. It's my story.
I did try to call later to apologize for hanging up. He had already gone back into his cave, I guess. He had already resorted to avoidance. God, he is so flippin' frustrating! I tried a few more times and sent a few emails. I was really getting tired of it all. His immaturity is completely exhausting. And it fuels mine.
So, fast forward two weeks. I get an email from him asking me to not call him anymore. He said I cannot make him love me. Huh? I thought he did love me because that's what he told me. But I certainly was not trying to make him love me. I may have been trying to make him respond to me, but I have no interest in trying to make a man love me. Nor do I have any desire to be with a man who does not love me. And now I know. He does not love me. He wishes he did...it would make life easier (???) but he does not. Sorry.
What the fuck? It was like a short Dr. Seuss story minus the rhyme.
His email has been blocked and his number purged from my phone. I have, in a sense, deleted him from my life. The memories will fade in time. What a total waste of time these past three months have been. Game over.
On the bright sde, I will NEVER have to hear him use the term "share toy" again. Story for another day.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
THIS OTHER GIRL'S HAIR
Okay, so a friend and I at work were talking about her hair one day and how she was worried that it looked like this other girl's hair. It doesn't. Not even remotely. But she was concerned. And rightly so, if she was having those thoughts. Her hair is pretty and shiny and she has nothing to worry about. Nothing like this other girl's hair. I did suggest some hair colors she could ask for at the salon if she was going in to get it colored and for some bizarro reason decided she really wanted it to look like this other girl's hair.
Here's some of the selection:
Here's some of the selection:
Weathered Broom Stick
Broken Twig
Old Wooden Fence
Tumbleweed
Camel's Butt
50 Shades of Hay
Touch of Old Gray Mare
Rusted Dust Pan
Strawberry Blah
Betty GRAY-ble
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
50 SHADES OF WASTE OF MY TIME
So I heard all the fuss about E. L. James' "50 Shades of Grey." Well, who hasn't, right? As luck would have it, one of the ladies I work with was just finishing up the book and told me she'd lend it to me as soon as she was done with it.
I'm a big reader and can go through a good book super fast. I look forward to indulging that simple pleasure for about 20 minutes or so almost nightly before I go to sleep.
Anyway, she lends me the book and I start in on it that night. I cheated though. I read several of the online reviews before I borrowed it. The reviews mostly said the book was awful, but I figured I'd give it a shot and make up my own mind.
Well, what a seriously stupid effing book it turned out to be. A complete and total waste of my time. Thank God I didn't pay for that crap. I did read up to, and including, the much talked about Chapter 8...well, I merely skimmed Chapter 8, it was so retarded I couldn't bear to read every stupid word of it. Or even one more.
First off, I could not get beyond the utter Britishness of the main female character - yes, the author is from London or somewhere where they are British. Problem is, the main female character is supposed to be from somewhere like Georgia, I think, where they are not at all British. And she is living in the Pacific Northwest, which is not a particularly British-speaking part of the United States, is it? At least not when last I visited. I tried my best to relocate, in my mind, the story to a London town, of which I've been to exactly none. It made it difficult for me to see this story in my head, as I like to do when I read a good book.
And then, the plot (term used extremely loosely) of the story is so lame. Young plain'ish looking virgin just entering the real world meets slightly older gorgeous hunk of a humanitarian billionaire man who never works and all they do is fuck (blushing). That's about all I know. Maybe there is no plot or storyline. It was just too stupid for me to read anymore of it.
I didn't spend a dime of my money on it and not too much of my time, thankfully. And this was actually the first book in the Trilogy of Trash! Yes, there are two others out there! Lord help us - there must be a world of sex-starved, low-readers out there. This really is an awful book. Most of the reviews were "spot on" accurate!
I'm a big reader and can go through a good book super fast. I look forward to indulging that simple pleasure for about 20 minutes or so almost nightly before I go to sleep.
Anyway, she lends me the book and I start in on it that night. I cheated though. I read several of the online reviews before I borrowed it. The reviews mostly said the book was awful, but I figured I'd give it a shot and make up my own mind.
Well, what a seriously stupid effing book it turned out to be. A complete and total waste of my time. Thank God I didn't pay for that crap. I did read up to, and including, the much talked about Chapter 8...well, I merely skimmed Chapter 8, it was so retarded I couldn't bear to read every stupid word of it. Or even one more.
First off, I could not get beyond the utter Britishness of the main female character - yes, the author is from London or somewhere where they are British. Problem is, the main female character is supposed to be from somewhere like Georgia, I think, where they are not at all British. And she is living in the Pacific Northwest, which is not a particularly British-speaking part of the United States, is it? At least not when last I visited. I tried my best to relocate, in my mind, the story to a London town, of which I've been to exactly none. It made it difficult for me to see this story in my head, as I like to do when I read a good book.
And then, the plot (term used extremely loosely) of the story is so lame. Young plain'ish looking virgin just entering the real world meets slightly older gorgeous hunk of a humanitarian billionaire man who never works and all they do is fuck (blushing). That's about all I know. Maybe there is no plot or storyline. It was just too stupid for me to read anymore of it.
I didn't spend a dime of my money on it and not too much of my time, thankfully. And this was actually the first book in the Trilogy of Trash! Yes, there are two others out there! Lord help us - there must be a world of sex-starved, low-readers out there. This really is an awful book. Most of the reviews were "spot on" accurate!
SERIOUSLY? WHO DOESN'T LOVE FART JOKES!?
Well, besides my parents.
What are you waiting for? Check out this blog!
http://whofartedphotos.blogspot.com/ (free plug)
Don't just look at the pictures. Read it. Take it all in. All of it. Even the labels.
Freaking genius. Wish I'd thought of this! I've passed the link around the office and I can totally tell who's actually perusing it by the uncontrolled outbursts and the attempts at stifled laughter.
But then I'm really immature and so is my little brother.
What are you waiting for? Check out this blog!
http://whofartedphotos.blogspot.com/ (free plug)
Don't just look at the pictures. Read it. Take it all in. All of it. Even the labels.
Freaking genius. Wish I'd thought of this! I've passed the link around the office and I can totally tell who's actually perusing it by the uncontrolled outbursts and the attempts at stifled laughter.
But then I'm really immature and so is my little brother.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
PARADIGM SHIFT
Well, well, well...guess who emailed me? Yep! When I got back to my desk after lunch yesterday, there it was just waiting for me to devour it. But I didn't. My heart didn't even skip a beat like it used to do when we were "together" and I'd get an email from him and felt like a schoolgirl in love.
It's just sitting in my in-box...not even taunting me. No, really, Bob...it's not.
I used to tell him, "If you are going to send me an email that might upset me, please, please, please do not send it on a Monday or in the middle of the day while I'm at work. Please." I really don't want to get any kind of bad news while I'm sitting at my desk and have hours to go before I can leave and have to pretend that those aren't tears...I have allergies. No...I do.
So, what does he do? Sends it at noon...on a Monday. Really?
All I know is that it's quite short. Truth is, I'm not really all that curious...which speaks volumes about the strides I am making in my own emotional healing. He couldn't talk to me when I needed him to. He sent me emails full of things he couldn't follow through on. And he can't pick up the phone now to have a real adult "big person" conversation, so it really can't be all that important.
Some friends have said to delete it immediately without reading it. Others have said to open it immediately (they're more curious than I am). And others have said to put it aside and save it for another day. Although, to be honest, I'm leaning towards deletion. But I think I'll just put it aside for now. There is no need to make any decision on it today. Or tomorrow. Or even next week.
Another friend said I should forward it to all of my friends and allow them to respond to him. In any way they see fit. No, I won't do that - but the idea is somewhat genius, if juvenile. And would have been something I might have considered if I was a recently and unexpectedly dumped schoolgirl in love.
I'm not a schoolgirl.
UPDATED EMAIL ALERT: 07/11/12 - another email was received last night (about 7:30pm) - which also has remained unopened for the time being.
It's just sitting in my in-box...not even taunting me. No, really, Bob...it's not.
I used to tell him, "If you are going to send me an email that might upset me, please, please, please do not send it on a Monday or in the middle of the day while I'm at work. Please." I really don't want to get any kind of bad news while I'm sitting at my desk and have hours to go before I can leave and have to pretend that those aren't tears...I have allergies. No...I do.
So, what does he do? Sends it at noon...on a Monday. Really?
All I know is that it's quite short. Truth is, I'm not really all that curious...which speaks volumes about the strides I am making in my own emotional healing. He couldn't talk to me when I needed him to. He sent me emails full of things he couldn't follow through on. And he can't pick up the phone now to have a real adult "big person" conversation, so it really can't be all that important.
Some friends have said to delete it immediately without reading it. Others have said to open it immediately (they're more curious than I am). And others have said to put it aside and save it for another day. Although, to be honest, I'm leaning towards deletion. But I think I'll just put it aside for now. There is no need to make any decision on it today. Or tomorrow. Or even next week.
Another friend said I should forward it to all of my friends and allow them to respond to him. In any way they see fit. No, I won't do that - but the idea is somewhat genius, if juvenile. And would have been something I might have considered if I was a recently and unexpectedly dumped schoolgirl in love.
I'm not a schoolgirl.
UPDATED EMAIL ALERT: 07/11/12 - another email was received last night (about 7:30pm) - which also has remained unopened for the time being.
Friday, July 6, 2012
RUN, FORREST, RUN
Great - now I'm having dreams about this guy. I'm trying to get him to sit down and talk to me but he keeps coming up with excuses to AVOID the "talk." Even in the dreams! It's awful. A simple adult conversation would have resolved all of this. Maybe the dreams are a way of getting it out of my system.
I will never understand a grown man who is unable and/or unwilling to address the situation he has created. Even if he has to stand there and take what he deserves. Deal with it.
That's right, big man, run away.
I will never understand a grown man who is unable and/or unwilling to address the situation he has created. Even if he has to stand there and take what he deserves. Deal with it.
That's right, big man, run away.
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