ROAD TRIP TO REALITY

Just got home from a fantastic road trip!  It was sort of a detour in my life...a turning point, so to speak.  I saw some beautiful places in this great country of ours.  I traveled 1360 miles in about 10 days. 

I think this is a good time to mention that it is Memorial Day.  I would not have been able to do this if it were not for the courageous men and women who fought, many sacrificing their lives, for this country and our freedoms.  We cannot take those freedoms for granted.

I'll keep this short, but will share some photos of some of the beautiful scenery I was fortunate enough to see.

I hiked in beautiful Zion National Park (Utah) and saw the solar eclipse (photo was not so good so I'm sparing you), which won't happen again there for another 12 years...

I also hiked and experienced the amazing beauty and the unique "hoodoos" of Bryce Canyon National Park (also in Utah)...

And to top it all off, I got to finally see the first Natural Wonder of the World...the awe-inspiring Grand Canyon (Arizona).  Photos do NOT do it justice.  It's not just a big hole in the ground...

I finished my trip with a visit to see my father.  I needed a good strong dose of Dad.  He won't let me waste time feeling sorry for myself or being pathetic, and he tells it like it is.  It was what I needed.  I spent a few days with him and his wonderful wife before heading home. 

There is a great big beautiful world out there just waiting to be seen.  I intend to see as much as I can...with or without a man by my side.   What a great trip!

WHAT DOESN'T KILL YA...

I made it to St. George, Utah super fast!  I left at 7AM and I got here by 12:30 or so.  Very light traffic - couldn't have been any easier.  Checked into my room, layed out by the pool for a while, and now I need to get some food and take a nap.  I'm beat - emotionally and physically.  Yep - I'll harp on this situation a bit - I have absolutely NO understanding of what happened.  None.  I wish I could have gotten some closure but I suppose he got his and that's all that matters...to him.  

So, I guess I must be getting stronger - this jacked up "non-ending" to a 4+ year relationship hasn't killed me.  It just broke my heart. 

BEST FRIENDS

One thing, well I guess two things, I will really miss about this relationship...

these dogs. 

Buddy Dumbass and Sophie.

Two beautiful Golden Retrievers

 (although we think one has an awful lot of Irish Setter in her). 

Silly, loving, full of energy.  Check out these faces.  Sweetest things ever!  

So happy I have these pictures and the memories of them.

Yes...I will miss them very much. 

That's Buddy at the top and Sophie on the bottom.  

GUESSWORK & GAMES

I seriously hate when people say "vacay" (random thought) - but I'm not much in the mood to really care right now.  I'm going on one.  A solo vacay. 

Dipshit hasn't called at all.  Not even to say adios.  I did receive a short email with a brief update on his dad.  I sent a follow up email (remember...I'm a 'tard) and got no response.  Shocker.  His dad could be dead for all I know.  I mean, I hope not.  But the surgery was serious and I guess there were complications but I'm dealing with someone who has horrendous communication skills.  I should say I "was" dealing with him.  I just can't do it anymore.  The little snippets of hope he tosses out there are no longer big enough for even me to latch on to.  Yes, of course I hope his dad is recovering and doing well.  Yes, I get that is important.  Yes, I get it. 

I have most of my vacation planned out.  Rooms are reserved.  Even some tours are booked - and I don't even really like tours all that much.  But it's something to do that will keep me from sitting in a hotel room, hundreds of miles from home, and being more pathetic than I'm being now.  If that's even possible. 

I may be a very sensitive person (Mom says I always have been).  And I may be very emotional (hard for me to hide how I'm feeling).  I don't fall in love easily, but when I do I usually fall hard.  But I am NOT a weak person.  I am not dishonest.  And I try not to hurt those I care about.  And if I think something is worth fighting for, I will fight to the end.  I also (eventually) realize when I'm fighting a losing battle.  I may end up with the battle scars while my "foe" may be unscathed.  That's okay.  I know I was honest and true to myself and to them, and I won't apologize for that.  I also would not leave someone I care about in a painful limbo situation.  I believe very much in resolving issues and moving forward - even if it's painful for one or both parties.  Dragging it out is far more painful.  And why?  What's the point of avoiding it?  Really?  Deal with it and move on for Christ's sake!  I've been given nothing to really deal with but more assumptions.  Fuck assumptions.  I'm done with the guesswork and games.  Time for me to take the reins and steer my life in a more positive direction.  Away from Dipshit.

I am not weak.  I will survive.  

WHAT WAS THE POINT?

So I get an email from him on Friday morning saying he's en route and will be in the area around noonish on Saturday and will call me sometime over the weekend. 

Okay, here we go again. 

He doesn't know how long he'll be down here - his dad's post-op rehab (the purpose for the visit) may be difficult so he may be here a while.  He hopes I'm doing well and then he signs it how we always signed our emails to each other..."Me."

The email is, per usual, vague and non-committal.  No answers, no resolution, no comment regarding the "vacation" or if we are even together.  In other words, I still have no idea what the hell is going on!  None.

Oh, and it's now Monday afternoon and I've gotten no phone call.  Shocking.

And so I ask you...what the hell was the point?         

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

It's Mother's Day.  My son recently moved to Austin, Texas with his girlfriend.  I miss them both.  Today will be a good day to reflect on this job called 'motherhood,' and to thank my son for providing me with another place to visit in the near future!

Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there and to all you dads who were both mom and dad to your kids!

A DUST BUNNY'S PAL

Was doing some cleaning today.  You know...laundry, dusting, vacuuming.  Listening to '80s music and singing along.  I pulled some things out from under my bed that I had stored under there, always trying to make the best use of what little space I have.  Anyway, as I was retrieving "stuff" and dusting it off, I was reminded of when my brothers and sister and I were kids and we would try to find places to hide and then scare the bejeesus out of each other.  One of the great hiding spaces was under my parents' bed.  Oh lord...if I only knew then what I know now I would NEVER have crawled under anyone's bed.  NEVER!!!  For starters, I wouldn't fit under a bed now.  But that, and dust bunnies aside, have you seen a magnified photo of a dust mite?

'TARD I AM

I am so anxiety ridden right now.  I feel like I'm going to vomit.  WHY AM I SUCH A FREAKING SPAZ????

Crap!  I bring this sh*t on myself.  Should have walked years ago...and then months ago...and now I'm going to be so heartbroken because I am so invested now.  What an emotional 'tard I am.

And all I wanted was a normal relationship - but I don't know what that is!!  And I love this guy - but can't be with him if he's going to stay up north.  Can't go through 6 more months of that.  Or three more months.  On that I'm firm.   And I can't be with him if he decides he doesn't want to be with me.  Duh!!  And that would hurt.  No one wants to be rejected.  Seriously. 

So now I'm just waiting...and I hate that.  And I feel like I'm going to to vomit.  Did I mention that?

RAW RAMBLINGS

Along with the agonizing pain and seemingly endless heartache you have caused me with your promises that don't pan out and distance (literal and figurative), I feel so foolish.  I believed in you.  I trusted you.  I put my faith in you.  Again.  I was clear with my expectations.  You knew what I wanted.  I wasn't vague.

I supported your dream.  A dream I was not even a part of.  I was patient and understanding and happy for you.  I did it all with zero commitment from you.  Maybe that was my fault.  Clearly it was.  I did not hound you with phone calls and questions.  I gave you all the freedom you wanted.  I believed in you.  I trusted you.  I put my faith in you.  I feel so foolish.

All I asked of you, before you left, please do not avoid me.  Please. 

I got no thanks, no understanding, no appreciation.  No show of concern when I acted with a bit of seemingly unfounded irrationality. 

I told you I was having a hard time way down here without you, the man I love so much.  I was cracking.  Breaking.  You didn't even notice.  I wanted to be by your side.  The longer you were gone and the less I saw of you, the more I began to wonder why I was down here all alone.  The more I missed you.  If you had wanted me there, I'd be there.  If you missed me, you would have called me.  But that's not how it was.        

I snapped.  Almost completely in two.  This situation would have been difficult for many couples, and most would never have attempted it.  Most women would have walked away at the get-go.  Go ahead - ask your friends what their wives or girlfriends would have done.  I'm not most women.  But I am human.  Just not Super Woman.  I used about all the patience and inner strength I could muster up but still, I snapped.  Remember, I'm only human.  After snapping, I reached out to you...to apologize...to explain...to hear your voice.  You shut down.  Shut me out.  Shut off communication. 

Communication.  A word you hold so dear.

"We don't communicate well."  No, we don't.  You don't share your thoughts or ideas with me.  I find it difficult to guess what you are thinking.  I don't have a crystal ball.  Or even a Magic 8 Ball.  If an issue arises, you say we'll put it behind us and move forward.  You are unable to address it.  You never manage to really put it behind you.  Completely.  The issue never gets resolved.  You bring it up later.  And then you say, "We don't communicate well."  You use that as an excuse to kindly step out of the relationship.  "I'm sorry.  We don't communicate well.  We hold things in until one of us explodes.  This just isn't working."   YOU hold things in.  I attempt to get something out of you, you make yourself competely inaccessible, and then I explode.  Then you decide we don't have the right stuff for a relationship.  That I'm too emotional.  That's it.  End of discussion (before it even gets off the ground).  No communication.  And you walk away.  But couples have issues.  All couples.  They need to be addressed...through communication.  Open communication.  Listening and speaking.  Not avoiding.  Not by walking away.  Not if there is love.     

Where I am expressive and overflowing with emotion, you are stoic and composed.  When I hurt, I blurt it out.  When you hurt, you don't show it.  You won't share any of your inner workings with me.  But that's what we're here for.  To help each other through the hurts.  Not just for the happy times.

Your wall is so thick.  I promised you I would do my best to break through it.  Hard to do when you are many states away and keep deflecting, avoiding, ignoring my attempts.   Or are completely unaware of them.  But I never gave up.  You know me.  I'm not a quitter.  If anything, I'm a fixer. 

You have an incredible ability to supress your feelings, while I just vomit mine all over the place.  Sometimes I wish I was more like you in that regard.  But sometimes I wish you were a little more like me.  Just a little.

You're also a very proud man.  One of your many traits that I admire.  But sometimes you let your pride get in the way of every day life.  You took my foolish bit of insecurity, left for you in a short voice mail, as an attack on your integrity.  How?  How did that happen?  I don't understand that at all.  And you won't help me to understand.  You got angry and then, lo and behold, like clockwork, here comes the big "avoid."  You didn't put anything behind us - you didn't even give me an opportunity to "communicate" my feelings to you.  You didn't care enough about my feelings to listen to what was going on wtih me.  To find out what my needs were. 

You have an M.O.  Your big "avoid" is the precursor to the big "break-up."  The big "break-up" is based on our "poor communication."  I sensed the big "avoid" because, well, because it's impossible to miss.  Silence.  Sadly, because I so fear the big "break-up," my emotions take over.  Yes, and you fear my emotions so much that this causes you to further avoid.  Vicious cycle with no resolution.  What the hell happened to "communication"?

I've held on.  I would've held on forever.  I thought you were my forever.  But I am not a part of your bigger picture.  You haven't spoken to me in over a week.  You haven't spoken to me when all I needed from you was a simple "I love you."  You've no idea the calming effect that has on me.  Instead, while I was cracking, breaking, doing my damnedest to stay strong and put together, and failing miserably, you email me...email me...that we'll talk when it's convenient for you.  Not when I really needed it.  Message received loud and clear.

I know what's coming and I fear it.  It makes me very sad.  In fact, it breaks my heart.  I thought our love for each other was stronger than that.  Even now, I love you with all my heart - as broken as it is.  But I can't stop the inevitable.  I know you well enough now to know what's coming.  And it's too painful for me to deal with...because it is not what I want.  It's so far from what I want.  So it's my turn.

I have to "avoid" it. 
  

WHY AVOIDANCE?

Just a fleeting thought that is nagging at me right now...why do people avoid things.  I would never in a million years turn my back on, ignore or avoid someone I cared about in their time of need.  If I know someone I care about is in pain and they need me, I'm there for them.  Period!  If it's a rocky relationship, they may not exactly like what I have to say - but I would never just leave them answerless.  I'm having a helluva time understanding how this man can so easily ignore and avoid me, someone he said he loved and cared about.  Yeah, I know I need to move on.  Thank God for blogging.  It's sort of like sending that email but not.  It's safe.  It gets the feelings and thoughts out of my head yet I am not getting weak and begging someone for an answer I'll never get.  Trying to hang on to some of that dignity I've lost over the past 4+ years.  This is just the start of it all.  The healing process is long and painful in itself.  Weird, isn't it?  That healing hurts.  I guess I have to get it all out in the open in order for it to be addressed and, in a sense, dress the wound.  I'll never understand any of this.  The behavior is really very foreign to me.

Avoidance is not a solution.  It leaves things hanging to be handled later, when time has worked to make the situation fester and become larger than it was.  It creates barriers, walls.  People who once cared for each other become strangers.  Hearts ache until they finally break.  Avoidance doesn't mend anything or resolve issues.  It's cowardly.  If you've created a situation that has become ugly or painful because of your actions, then you do have some moral sense of obligation to right it, in the best way you can.  To the best of your ability.  That certainly doesn't mean that everything will become rosy again. It just means that you try to fix what you have broken.  Mend it.  Try to leave it as whole as you found it.  Relationships sometimes end.  Too often, maybe.  But if both parties have been open and honest, then no one really gets blindsided.  There are fewer surprises.  Fewer hurts.  Avoidance is cowardly.

I didn't handle this ending well.  I yelled and screamed and cursed and called names.  I can't take them back.  I did it out of pain.  It was a reaction to being caught completely unaware.  There are no more sorrys.  What's done is done and I need to move forward.  At least he knows how I feel.  I didn't avoid him.  I have NO idea what's going on with him.  I have to stop thinking about it.  It will stop hurting one day.                 

I GREW A PAIR

I did it!  After several messages to him asking him to throw me a bone, give me some idea of what's going on, help me confirm my vacation, etc., I received a teeny tiny email from him.  He said he obviously didn't feel like talking (I'm a grown man...I don't feel like talking and you can't make me) but that he'd be down this week for his dad's surgery and we'd talk then (guess again).  Typical, vague, containing nothing concrete, not addressing any of my concerns, and once again leaving me to wonder what the hell is going on.

And as vague and brief as it was...MESSAGE RECEIVED LOUD & CLEAR!

I did respond.  Initially with a voice mail or two of which I have little to no recollection of content other than they were not only laced with, but almost fully comprised of, expletives.  And I may have raised my voice.

I then was finally able to catch my breath and compose myself back into the lady that I am.  I left another voice mail.  Calmer.  More in control of my wavering voice.  I told him to concentrate on being with his family and making sure they were all taken care of.  After all, his father's health really IS the priority here.  But I did tell him NOT to contact me.  There's no point.  If he can't talk to me when I need him to, then he certainly isn't going to talk to me when he feels it's something he needs to do to make himself feel better.

If I had agreed to talk when he comes down it would have been one of three scenarios:
A)  He'd want to meet to tell me he's sorry that things just aren't working out.  I'd get the obligatory hug and pat on the head with and the, "Gee, you're a great gal.  You'll make someone very happy."  Bite me.
B)  I'd look forward to hearing from him, getting my hopes once again, only to be left hanging with no call or an email stating he's too busy to talk to me at this time.  Delay, delay, avoid. 
C)  We'd talk, smooth things over, put a little bandaid on the bigger issue, have sex, and then spend the next 6 months repeating what's gone on for the first 6 months of his sojourn.  Over it. 

Yeah, none of them sound super-duper enticing to me.  I think I'll continue working on Plan B.  I'll need some time to heal this broken heart of mine.  It'll take longer than two weeks.  But it's a start.  A step in the right direction.  

Yes, I do know that the next several days will be a real test of my strength.  I can't call or email him.  I simply can't.  Of course I'll check my voice mail and email every 3 minutes for the first couple of weeks but that's part of the healing process.  Sad way to watch four years of loving and trusting someone slip away.  But I was always honest with my feelings.  Straight forward with what I wanted.  Clear with my expectations.  There were no surprises.  I just believed when I should have walked away. 

The red flags were there.  I just refused to see them.  Wow - love really is blind.

PLAN B

The countdown to vacation time has begun.  Less than two weeks away.  Beats the hell outta me where I'll be going, but I'm currently working on Plan B because Plan A has yet to return a phone call.  What the fuck?  Yeah, sorry for swearing.  Get used to it.

First of all, I'm completely confused as to why HE is mad at ME?  And secondly, why he said we'd put last weekend's weird phone call behind us and that he'd call but hasn't.  He knows the one way to drive me absolutely batshit insane is to make himself completely inaccessible.  He may not even be doing it intentionally, but that he's doing it at all is completely 100% wrong and, even more than that, it's fucked up.  He knows he'll have to deal with it sooner or later.  These things don't go away quietly.

Avoidance of a situation is such chicken shit.  Really.  Grow a pair.  Unless, of course, you really don't care.  And then the absolute least one could do is send an "adios" email.  Just out of common courtesy.  But don't leave a person you "say" you love and care about just hanging in endless limbo.  That is cruel.  It's torture.  And it's very junior high school.  

We've been together over 4 years.  To not bother to make a promised call or to return a call is really so immature.  So thoughtless.  Inconsiderate.  To leave someone dangling off the side of the bridge without any idea if there's a safety net way down there is just crap.

I cannot deal with "guessing" what the hell is happening or what he's thinking.  Yeah, yeah, yeah...it's right in front of my face, right?   Well, I handle it better if I'm TOLD the situation.  I like things straight up!  Shouldn't have to guess at this point.  My currently messed up head will conjure up all sorts of variables and what-ifs.  It's not like it's a first date and I'm waiting, hoping for that second call and it doesn't come.  I get that one.  This is an established relationship where we've talked about spending our lives together.  Where we're discussing where we want to settle down.  Working on that next step.  You know what I'm talking about.

If the commitment-phobe can't take the next big-boy step, then he should at least be able to address the situation like an adult.

Wish I could grow a pair.

MANDATORY TEAM BUILDING

Yesterday at work I had to attend one of those mandated "training" days where you really don't learn much of anything but HAVE to attend.  I work in a small'ish unit of a large'ish agency.  There's a lot of shift work so we don't have a whole lot of interaction amongst each other (think ships passing in the night), which is perfect because most of us don't really care for each other.  That's okay.  It's sort of the nature of the beast and we'd all agree with that statement.  Funny, because we'd be hard-pressed to agree on anything else.  

Anyway, we were told to wear black and white, not to whine, and to be prompt.  Told to.  Really?  What the hell do we need to wear black and white for?  Oh...photo fun time.  OMG.  Seriously?  Most of us loathe having our photos taken.  Boy, this will be fun.     

Well, it was okay.  Not exactly fun.  Not what I would have chosen to do.  It wasn't the worst thing we could have done, I guess.  And it's not like we had a choice in the matter.  Or did we?

We were placed (forced) into different scenarios around our town.   A few times we were told to do something funny (the AT&T Dancing Squirrel commercial comes to mind).  We didn't want to do anything funny.  It was drizzling.  We hadn't had our coffee.  We don't really like each other.

At one point, the photographer (a supervisor from another unit) was telling us how to stand and pose.  One girl flat out refused.  "No, I'm not doing it.  I'm NOT doing it."  You could hear a collective gasp from all of us.  This particular photographer/supervisor is not known to be particularly kind or tolerant and this particular girl has a slight reputation for creating unnecessary conflict.  Needless to say, we didn't get that "posing" shot.  But in a way, it sort of made me secretly happy.  None of us wanted to have these photos taken and one person was strong enough to stand up for herself and say no.  It's not a job requirement.  Turns out the photos are for a Christmas card that we will send to other agencies that will look at them briefly, post them for the Christmas season, and then shred them. 

The purpose of this little exercise (the jumping off point for a "fun-filled" day of Team Building) was not for the benefit of the girls who work in this unit, but more to the point of making our unit's supervisor simply shine in the eyes of her superiors.  It's all a load of crap. We still don't really like each other.   

A Hiccup in My Strength

I think I am beginning to realize that he really only wants to be with me if I somehow fit into his mold of "perfection."  Don't get me wrong - he knows I'm not perfect, but as long as I don't rock his boat then I'm close enough.  You know, if I go with the flow...his flow.  If I stick with the plan...his plan.  If I'm happy 24/7.  But, if I happen to show signs of emotion or the slightest hint of insecurity, well, all bets are off.

Here's the deal - he moved to another state so he could ski all season (he's self-employed and can work remotely, for the most part).  I've tried the long distance relationship thing before and it failed miserably.  I told him this.  Told him I wasn't really okay with the long distance thing.  I got upset.  Things were just starting to get really good between us.  He'd asked me to move in with him just a matter of weeks before throwing this idea at me.  I took it kind of hard.  I got "emotional."   I wasn't really okay with it but he somehow presented it in such a way that I thought I might be able to handle it.  He couldn't understand my resistance to this.  Told me he wasn't breaking up with me but knew this was something he had to do or he'd regret it forever.  And he could NOT understand why I was getting upset.

Let's break this down, shall we?  He asked me to move in with him.  There's a step in the right direction.  It was never mentioned again.  Two steps back.  He told me he was thinking about moving out of state for the ski season.  Four months maybe.  That turned into six months.  And that quickly turned into a full year in another state because the condo he was going to rent was only going to take him if he signed a one-year lease.  And the home he owns down here and was going to put on the corporate rental market could only be rented out successfully if it was done in one-year increments.  No month-to-month or 6 month leases, apparently.  That's about twelve steps back.

So, he tells me it won't be that bad.  I can visit him whenever I want to, and he'll be down here to visit more often than I think he will be.  Wrong on both counts.  I work.  I can't just take vacations at the drop of a hat. He's been gone six months already.  I've been up to visit once, with another visit planned for 2 weeks from tomorrow.  He's been down 3 times.  Once around Christmastime - he was two hours late because he had to golf with his buddies.  That visit lasted one night.  Two more steps back.  He also came down the week before Valentine's Day.  He called to see if I wanted to spend an early Valentine's Day with him.  Of course I did.  Turns out he was already in town, thought he'd surprise me, and wanted me to meet him that night at his hotel.  For a one night visit.  No dinner.  I told him I couldn't make it but that he did indeed manage to surprise me.  I don't do booty calls.  Eight more giant steps back.

Let's see...that brings us to about twenty-three steps back.  I'm not sure if there will ever be enough steps forward to get back to "even."

Wait, he was down here about 2 1/2 weeks ago.  We did spend a bit of time together before he had to head back home.  Just a little bit of time.  But it was "good" time.  And we started working on my plans to visit him.  Four steps forward, bringing us to about negative nineteen.

But...something happened.  My period was about to start.  This never used to affect my mood or make my body bloat or hurt.  Well, I'm getting older.  That flippin' period is becoming more unpredictable, and so are my mood swings.  I got...emotional.  There.  I said it.  I got upset that my boyfriend moved out of state, has been gone for 6 months, and is not very accessible to me anymore.  I called him to talk about my travel plans.  His phone was turned off.  I got the dreaded voice mail.  Normally, this would have been fine.  But my period  was set to start any day and I was...emotional.  Perhaps even a little psychotic.  I left a brief message.  Not a very nice one.  But it could have been worse.  There was no swearing and I didn't call him any names.  I was just feeling a little, oh...I don't know...EMOTIONAL!!!

Seems he didn't like it.  See, I shook things up a little.  He doesn't like that and doesn't know how to handle it.  So he just doesn't.

Bottom line, I'm supposed to leave for another state many hundreds of miles away in about two weeks.  We haven't spoken all week, and I don't know if we will.  He said he'd call a few nights ago and hasn't.  Two more steps back.  Negative twenty-one.  Twenty-one is a good number for some.  But I think that's supposed to be twenty-one on the positive side, right?  What do I know?

He has not taken into account that I'm dealing pretty well, for the most part, with him being very far away.  He hasn't recognized my patience.  I've gotten zero credit for my (somewhat reluctant) support for his selfish pursuit of a dream that does not even include me.  Many guys I've talked to said their girlfriends wouldn't be thrilled if they went away for a week, much less a year.  Most guys said their girlfriends would have left them if they did this.  All I left was a pathetic voice mail because I was having a moment of doubt brought on by my menstrual cycle.  It was a brief moment.  A hiccup in my strength.  It was followed by a short apology/explanation the following day via email.  Yes, impersonal, but his phone was still off.  Better than nothing, I thought.  I did get ahold of him Monday morning.  We had a brief conversation and he said, "Let's put it behind us and I'll call you tonight."  But he didn't call.  And I'm supposed to go up there in 2 weeks?  Hmmm, I might want to rethink that.

Some might think he's seeing someone else.  I don't.  My mom does.  She thinks he's a player.  Sounds funny to hear her say it.  She might be right.  She's outside looking in.  I'm too close to see things clearly. 

Is he looking for a way out of the relationship but doesn't want to deal with confrontation, and this minor outburst of mine gave him the perfect out?  Maybe. If so, that's totally lame.  He is a master "avoider" though.  Will he call this weekend?  He might.  If he does and he still wants me to visit, will I go?  I really don't know at this point and wouldn't bet on it.  Just the fact that I'm "guessing" at where our relationship stands should give me some indication of the right answer.  As much as I can't make him love me, he can't make me perfect.

That's right - I'm not perfect.  And I'm good with that.  I am, however, perfectly normal...perfectly human.  I will very likely have more "emotional" episodes.  My best guess at this point is that those will happen, to some degree or another, approximately every thirty days...I'm also a woman.

I'm not twenty-one any more either.  I want to be in a grown-up relationship.  With a grown up man.

COMPUTERS AND MEN

Computers and men.  Right now I hate them both with a burning passion.  Right now, for the life of me, I can't figure either one out.  Right now I wish they had manuals that explained, in simple English, their inner workings and what buttons should and should not be pushed because I am clearly hitting the wrong ones...over and over again...with the same results.  Wait...what?  Anyway, right now I can't get either one to respond to me.  Right now they are both making me feel very helpless and sort of really stupid.  Right now I just want to yell at them with choppy sentences laced with expletives.  And right now I really need both of them in my life.  But right now they are both making me cry like a nine year old and feel super pathetic.  So, right now I am going to go to bed.  Alone.  Maybe tomorrow will be better than right now.