Sunday, May 6, 2012

I GREW A PAIR

I did it!  After several messages to him asking him to throw me a bone, give me some idea of what's going on, help me confirm my vacation, etc., I received a teeny tiny email from him.  He said he obviously didn't feel like talking (I'm a grown man...I don't feel like talking and you can't make me) but that he'd be down this week for his dad's surgery and we'd talk then (guess again).  Typical, vague, containing nothing concrete, not addressing any of my concerns, and once again leaving me to wonder what the hell is going on.

And as vague and brief as it was...MESSAGE RECEIVED LOUD & CLEAR!

I did respond.  Initially with a voice mail or two of which I have little to no recollection of content other than they were not only laced with, but almost fully comprised of, expletives.  And I may have raised my voice.

I then was finally able to catch my breath and compose myself back into the lady that I am.  I left another voice mail.  Calmer.  More in control of my wavering voice.  I told him to concentrate on being with his family and making sure they were all taken care of.  After all, his father's health really IS the priority here.  But I did tell him NOT to contact me.  There's no point.  If he can't talk to me when I need him to, then he certainly isn't going to talk to me when he feels it's something he needs to do to make himself feel better.

If I had agreed to talk when he comes down it would have been one of three scenarios:
A)  He'd want to meet to tell me he's sorry that things just aren't working out.  I'd get the obligatory hug and pat on the head with and the, "Gee, you're a great gal.  You'll make someone very happy."  Bite me.
B)  I'd look forward to hearing from him, getting my hopes once again, only to be left hanging with no call or an email stating he's too busy to talk to me at this time.  Delay, delay, avoid. 
C)  We'd talk, smooth things over, put a little bandaid on the bigger issue, have sex, and then spend the next 6 months repeating what's gone on for the first 6 months of his sojourn.  Over it. 

Yeah, none of them sound super-duper enticing to me.  I think I'll continue working on Plan B.  I'll need some time to heal this broken heart of mine.  It'll take longer than two weeks.  But it's a start.  A step in the right direction.  

Yes, I do know that the next several days will be a real test of my strength.  I can't call or email him.  I simply can't.  Of course I'll check my voice mail and email every 3 minutes for the first couple of weeks but that's part of the healing process.  Sad way to watch four years of loving and trusting someone slip away.  But I was always honest with my feelings.  Straight forward with what I wanted.  Clear with my expectations.  There were no surprises.  I just believed when I should have walked away. 

The red flags were there.  I just refused to see them.  Wow - love really is blind.

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