I think I am beginning to realize that he really only wants to be with me if I somehow fit into his mold of "perfection." Don't get me wrong - he knows I'm not perfect, but as long as I don't rock his boat then I'm close enough. You know, if I go with the flow...his flow. If I stick with the plan...his plan. If I'm happy 24/7. But, if I happen to show signs of emotion or the slightest hint of insecurity, well, all bets are off.
Here's the deal - he moved to another state so he could ski all season (he's self-employed and can work remotely, for the most part). I've tried the long distance relationship thing before and it failed miserably. I told him this. Told him I wasn't really okay with the long distance thing. I got upset. Things were just starting to get really good between us. He'd asked me to move in with him just a matter of weeks before throwing this idea at me. I took it kind of hard. I got "emotional." I wasn't really okay with it but he somehow presented it in such a way that I thought I might be able to handle it. He couldn't understand my resistance to this. Told me he wasn't breaking up with me but knew this was something he had to do or he'd regret it forever. And he could NOT understand why I was getting upset.
Let's break this down, shall we? He asked me to move in with him. There's a step in the right direction. It was never mentioned again. Two steps back. He told me he was thinking about moving out of state for the ski season. Four months maybe. That turned into six months. And that quickly turned into a full year in another state because the condo he was going to rent was only going to take him if he signed a one-year lease. And the home he owns down here and was going to put on the corporate rental market could only be rented out successfully if it was done in one-year increments. No month-to-month or 6 month leases, apparently. That's about twelve steps back.
So, he tells me it won't be that bad. I can visit him whenever I want to, and he'll be down here to visit more often than I think he will be. Wrong on both counts. I work. I can't just take vacations at the drop of a hat. He's been gone six months already. I've been up to visit once, with another visit planned for 2 weeks from tomorrow. He's been down 3 times. Once around Christmastime - he was two hours late because he had to golf with his buddies. That visit lasted one night. Two more steps back. He also came down the week before Valentine's Day. He called to see if I wanted to spend an early Valentine's Day with him. Of course I did. Turns out he was already in town, thought he'd surprise me, and wanted me to meet him that night at his hotel. For a one night visit. No dinner. I told him I couldn't make it but that he did indeed manage to surprise me. I don't do booty calls. Eight more giant steps back.
Let's see...that brings us to about twenty-three steps back. I'm not sure if there will ever be enough steps forward to get back to "even."
Wait, he was down here about 2 1/2 weeks ago. We did spend a bit of time together before he had to head back home. Just a little bit of time. But it was "good" time. And we started working on my plans to visit him. Four steps forward, bringing us to about negative nineteen.
But...something happened. My period was about to start. This never used to affect my mood or make my body bloat or hurt. Well, I'm getting older. That flippin' period is becoming more unpredictable, and so are my mood swings. I got...emotional. There. I said it. I got upset that my boyfriend moved out of state, has been gone for 6 months, and is not very accessible to me anymore. I called him to talk about my travel plans. His phone was turned off. I got the dreaded voice mail. Normally, this would have been fine. But my period was set to start any day and I was...emotional. Perhaps even a little psychotic. I left a brief message. Not a very nice one. But it could have been worse. There was no swearing and I didn't call him any names. I was just feeling a little, oh...I don't know...EMOTIONAL!!!
Seems he didn't like it. See, I shook things up a little. He doesn't like that and doesn't know how to handle it. So he just doesn't.
Bottom line, I'm supposed to leave for another state many hundreds of miles away in about two weeks. We haven't spoken all week, and I don't know if we will. He said he'd call a few nights ago and hasn't. Two more steps back. Negative twenty-one. Twenty-one is a good number for some. But I think that's supposed to be twenty-one on the positive side, right? What do I know?
He has not taken into account that I'm dealing pretty well, for the most part, with him being very far away. He hasn't recognized my patience. I've gotten zero credit for my (somewhat reluctant) support for his selfish pursuit of a dream that does not even include me. Many guys I've talked to said their girlfriends wouldn't be thrilled if they went away for a week, much less a year. Most guys said their girlfriends would have left them if they did this. All I left was a pathetic voice mail because I was having a moment of doubt brought on by my menstrual cycle. It was a brief moment. A hiccup in my strength. It was followed by a short apology/explanation the following day via email. Yes, impersonal, but his phone was still off. Better than nothing, I thought. I did get ahold of him Monday morning. We had a brief conversation and he said, "Let's put it behind us and I'll call you tonight." But he didn't call. And I'm supposed to go up there in 2 weeks? Hmmm, I might want to rethink that.
Some might think he's seeing someone else. I don't. My mom does. She thinks he's a player. Sounds funny to hear her say it. She might be right. She's outside looking in. I'm too close to see things clearly.
Is he looking for a way out of the relationship but doesn't want to deal with confrontation, and this minor outburst of mine gave him the perfect out? Maybe. If so, that's totally lame. He is a master "avoider" though. Will he call this weekend? He might. If he does and he still wants me to visit, will I go? I really don't know at this point and wouldn't bet on it. Just the fact that I'm "guessing" at where our relationship stands should give me some indication of the right answer. As much as I can't make him love me, he can't make me perfect.
That's right - I'm not perfect. And I'm good with that. I am, however, perfectly normal...perfectly human. I will very likely have more "emotional" episodes. My best guess at this point is that those will happen, to some degree or another, approximately every thirty days...I'm also a woman.
I'm not twenty-one any more either. I want to be in a grown-up relationship. With a grown up man.
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